#thirties

Either way we’re here because idk I’m 33 and I feel completely lost. I have a great job, I am making great money, six figures, just closed a quarterly bonus of 5.3K! If I keep performing well I can potentially see bonuses that size every quarter which is amazing.

Everything else in my life is just pieces. My love life are collections of failures and missteps that I don’t understand. I just met someone on Hinge recently, we vibed, all was good, had sex first night things seemed fine. Next day communication was iffy, but the following day I went out and I said some playful things about her communication, chatted with my normal wit, sarcasm, and banter and basically was told I don’t think this is going to work and she wish me the best.

This also happened with someone I liked a lot flew down to Orlando to see, also from Hinge, and we went out and things just got weird at points in conversation and was told no romantic connection there either. These are new experiences with rejection I am facing this year.

On top of that I have legal cases and fees to pay, car note to pay, and have to get my car fixed. So big financial payments, little to no savings STILL. Dating and going out to drink often is really costing me from getting ahead, but sitting inside feels so lonely and like I’m not doing something or enough. My friends are all in their lives, which I get, some married, some still figuring it out. I feel like none of my priorities are in order.

I have terrible credit, also still. And I have not made any significant move to improve critical areas in my life outside of work and mainly because it takes massive effort to do. I don’t know if I want a relationship, love, sex, a cure of the aloneness I feel sometimes, I truly do not know. Something is missing, I am confused, I am empty and unfulfilled some days, most days.

I feel like I lost who I am often and I am a former shell of myself sometimes. Idk how to get back to me, hopefully I’ll keep dumping these thoughts here and get somewhere at some point. It did feel good just to type exactly what I think.