holtcoma

A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns her own feelings. No one "makes" you feel jealos or insecure -- the person who makes you feel that way is you. No matter what the other person is doing, what you feel in response is determined inside you. Even when somebody deliberately tries to hurt you, you make a choice about how you feel. You might feel angry, or hurt, or frightened, or guilty (one of your authors was raised Catholic, so she was trained to feel guilty about astonishing stuff). The choice, not usually conscious, happens inside you.

Find your feelings - hurt or anger or whatever - and let them flow through you, like a river. […] You hurt a lot, so surely it must be somebody’s fault! But sometimes there is great pain and there is no villain.

If you pretend that you have no needs, for sex, for affection, for emotional support, you are lying to yourself, and you will wind up trying to get your needs met by indirect methods that won't work very well. People who do this often get called manipulative or passive-aggressive; terms, in our opinion, for people who have not figured out how to get their needs met in a straightforward manner. Do not commit yourself to a lifetime of hinting and hoping.

Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.