BUCKETMOUSE PRESENTS

The Team knocks out a security guard and steals their radio. The team mimic can perfectly replicate the knocked out guard’s voice. They get caught because they pronounced the name of the company correctly.

The Team disables an alarm. The only way to do this is to rip it out of the wall and disassemble it until it physically can’t make noise anymore. This very loud process is clearly heard by the posted security guard nearby, who rolls their eyes and text their supervisor that the logistics contractors are fooling with the alarms again.

The Team breaks into the facility at night. There they meet a single security guard who is chanting potential names for NPCs in their DnD campaign out loud while they do their patrols. They encounter a fire extinguisher. They pause in their chanting to check that it is properly charged and to apply a sticker that reads, “Anal use only”. This guy is disgustingly good at their job. There’s no way around it, they’re going to catch you. And you’re going to have to deal with the fact that you’ve been had by someone who has a supply of stickers that say “Anal use only” and who unironically wanted to name their NPC shopkeep Mammogrammus.

The Team attempts to bribe a security guard. This is its own post but know there’s no way in hell that would work.

The Team breaks into the high security room and disables all the alarms. Security control sends several guards to investigate why there are no alarms going off.

The Team attempts to break into the high security room but can’t because it’s randomly decided not to let anyone at all in today.

The Team steals a keycard with “””””unlimited””””” access to the facility and gets caught because the computer system that manages keycards randomly revokes access for no reason.

Training consisted of a number of retired high ranking New York State Troopers very earnestly trying to convince a room of “dudes who desperately wanted to be a cop but couldn’t jump even that low hurdle” and also “one increasingly incredulous 19 year old girl who could only hear a loud high pitched note in one ear because she stood too close to her amps at the punk show last night” not to bring swords, shurukens, or butterfly knives into work.

We went over the “do not bring in your own weapons” lecture for the majority of day 1 of training. Day 2 was also “do not bring in your own weapons” for a lot of the day, then we moved onto “identifying the different types of fire extinguisher,” and wrapped up the day with “wasp stings.” Well, actually during “wasp stings” we had a sidebar when this one guard who looked like Ben Franklin raised his hand and shared that he, personally, took care of wasps by blowing their nests up with improvised gasoline-based explosives, so technically we wrapped up the day with “do not bring in your own weapons even if those weapons are to harm a wasp.”

Day 3 was a half day, where we reviewed everything we’d learned about no weapons, fire extinguishers, and wasps, and then we took a written test, which I finished with a perfect score in three minutes so Sargeant Minetti made me grade everyone else’s. After that, I was a full ass security guard; I picked up my fake cop uniform, badge(!!!), tiny notebook, strapped a walkie to my belt, and was given my assignment. My beat was very very literally the most public facing one that existed; while most of my colleagues were posted at gates that might never get opened for the entire summer, I had “the wholeass quarter mile of pavement abutting the chain link fence that separated the public from the ponies.” My responsibilities were simple:

1. tell people to move their rolling coolers out of the fire lane

2. take people with wasp stings to the nurse

and oh yeah

3. every time a clerk at a betting window in my section accumulated more than $10,000 dollars in cash, I had to escort them for ½ of a mile through the incredibly dense crowd of drunk people, any of whom might be interested in stealing more than $10,000 dollars, and get the money safely into the giant vault.

I remember the very first run i made. The betting clerk looked at me, the 19 year old responsible for protecting both them and $10,000. I looked back at him through the mirrored aviators that I’d bought at a gas station for 5 bucks because I thought it was very very funny and good fake cop cosplay. My walkie hissed ominously.

“…Uh, so if someone tries to take the money, what are you going to do?” He asked.

“Well, I get paid 12 bucks an hour, so… nothing.” I responded. “How about you?”

We quickly arrived at an understanding.

Two of the guards from my training group got fired that summer for bringing in their own weapons, and at least one of them had both a butterfly knife and at least one shuruken. Many more dropped out as they discovered that they would not actually be doing Die Hard shit. As for me, I did literally nothing to prevent crime all summer, but I also halfheartedly cleared a path through the crowd at the front of a very sad “St. Patrick’s Day In July” parade, which made me enough of a success story that they actually called me unprompted to ask if I’d come back the next year… with one caveat.

See, the next year I returned as a weathered veteran with a spotless disciplinary record, so they gave me three hours of additional training to get a certification to become a peace officer. As a result, from ages 20-23 (when my license expired) I had the same legal powers of arrest as a police officer.

Me. They just gave me that.

Bongfish or bony-eared assfish this is very important scientific data

Bongfish

Bony-eared assfish

THIS was posted by the current President....

Presumably it was supposed to project an image of utter masculinity.... which would surely test even the most soulless of generative AI programs, but this... THIS?

This may simultaneously be amongst the most horrifying AND most gay things I've seen in my long life.

The closest thing I can think of is those old Sino/Soviet posters all about men striving together which just looks like they're a slightly adorable gay couple, sometimes bringing up their kids together.

The central image strives for manliness, though I can only hear Jabba the Hutt's theme playing in my head as I look at it.

On an average, assuming genetic invariability with reference to allosomes (which can be premediated via presence or lack of the Y Chromosomes which can be identified by a simple blood test, yadda yadda yadda), you're talking an average of 8 weeks for the pregnancy to be readable enough in re sex of the kid. (Assuming the kid is Cisgendered.) This is typically followed by 9 months of pregnancy (- the 8 weeks) and about 18 months of recommended recovery period after. This gives the conception and birth of each kid an average timeline of 27 months in all, which is about 2.25 years.

Now, in re Lou Bega's Mambo No. 5, there are a total of 9 individuals mentioned. Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Rita (repeated), Tina, Sandra (repeated), Mary, and Jessica. Assuming the existence of a singular Rita and Sandra which were called upon twice in the song, we can assume that this would involve a grand total of 2.25 x 9 = 20.5 years of near constant pregnancies to produce the offspring in question.

Assuming that the embryonic host typically hits Menopause at around 40, we can assume that the primary conception in re the same occurs at around 19.5 years of age. Which is still premature in re sociocultural aspects but the body is more than capable of handling such a strain at that age.

Also, in case we assume that every one of the offspring remain in all cases, cisgendered (which is a variable that is very hard to account for), we can assume that there is always a possibility that the allelomorph of the embryo involved can occasionally involve an XY chromosome. The detection can successfully occur at 8 weeks, and in case an abortion ensues, conception can recur within as little as 2 more weeks. That is an added extra 10 weeks per in re the nondesired sex.

In case of purely clinical states, such as IVF, where the Ova are extracted and externally fertilised each time, a system of Preimplantation Genetic Testing for Aneuploidies (PGT-A) can be incorporated in order to identify XX chromosomal situations and ensuring further that only those are implanted. This, while making sure that the offspring in question are necessarily of the XX karyotype, cannot of course state whether a state of monozygotic twinning can occur or not. More often than not, in order to maximise chances of implantation, more than two embryos used to be implanted into the uterus, typically around five. But technology has significantly improved in the years following which makes sure that there is no need for the same. Elective Single Embryo Transfer (eSET) is now the standard in modern IVF, prioritizing the transfer of one, high-quality, genetically tested blastocyst to achieve a healthy, single-baby pregnancy. This shift minimizes severe risks associated with multiple pregnancies, such as preterm birth for babies and severe complications for mothers, while maintaining high success rates. Clinics now reserve multiple embryo transfers primarily for older patients or those with histories of repeated IVF failures, rather than routine practice.

In case there are more than one embryos that get implanted that are undesirable, the extra embryos can be removed through a medical procedure called multifetal pregnancy reduction (MFPR) or selective reduction.

In summation, assuming of course that we are talking about the most clinically ideal circumstances, where there is the implantation of a single embryo each time, that still gives you about the same timeline of about 20.5 years. In case of preferring to determine sex after (which is cheaper) as opposed to before (which is still pricey as fuck in today's economy), that adds another 10 weeks per embryo. Unwanted implants can be removed via MFPR.

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