ヒスイの恋人

The water tinged pink from the water entering the open wounds that laced his body but he didn’t feel a thing. Nothing to subside his hollow soul that creeps in from the shadows, away from any other human life because it’s emptiness is so consuming it cannot bare to pretend that everything is okay. What light it did once hold, laid in the basement in a mound of ash and charred skin now and it was all his fault. Never again would Ash hear the jovial laugh or unwarranted lecturing from his most trusted confidant, never again would he feel the warmth of his hug or watch Shorter choking up over his moments of exceptional softness.  Never again. When the familiar voice pulls his attention away from the bathroom wall, the question is jarring but still be can’t bring himself to look in the direction of the only other soul who could potentially give a shit about how he was feeling. “About what?” He finally answers, biting back his tongue; praying that Eiji chooses to leave him with his emptiness for just a while longer. He couldn’t bare to face such a softness as the monster he was now.

He can’t bear to leave Ash to suffer in silence like this, he knows how hard it must be on him. Eiji misses Shorter and he hadn't known him for a fraction of the time Ash had, he hates to see his friend in such pain. The empty look in Shorter’s eyes as he fell haunts him and he can't imagine what it felt like to be on Ash’s side of the trigger.

“...About him. About you. Talk to me, Ash, it’ll hurt more if you keep it inside. Please.”

He wants to lay a hand on his shoulder, wants to offer to help him clean up, but Ash won’t even look at him and he’s terrified of making things worse. Ash doesn’t deserve any of this, not losing his best friend and certainly not bearing the guilt of being responsible, even if he didn’t have a choice. Part of Eiji wishes Ash had put a bullet through his heart instead of Shorter's, sure that Ash would live without him easier than he would without the other gang leader. Shorter had people relying on him, he was needed, all Eiji had was Ash. 

Sing makes a face at the unmolested target. “You do realize you have to keep your eyes open, right? Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t make it go away. It just makes your target that much harder to hit.”

Eiji: I am under the influence of absolutely nothing except ice cream.

The words that leave Eiji’s mouth cause a pain in place that had rarely been touched. Ash wanted to argue, he wanted to be logical, he wanted to make Eiji see that the life expectancy of someone such as himself was short, his existence toeing the line with death everyday. What kind of life would it be if all you did was love someone stolen away by unforgiving mortality? The thought about inadvertently causes his jaw to clench; a nostalgia and hope for the future flickering dimly in his mind / maybe just maybe this can be different ; maybe Eiji was the key to freedom & a normal life…. No…  Ash knew deep down there was no real way to leave this life of death & killing.

“I would want you to be happy, Eiji.” He can’t pull himself away from the screen in front of him as he mindlessly scrolls through endless open tabs of whatever he was researching. “If you can’t be happy for yourself, be happy for me.”

If Ash wanted him to be happy, why did he keep pushing him away? Couldn’t he see he was the only thing Eiji wanted? He was trying to make Ash see, and he wouldn’t even look at him!  He huffed, unwilling to back down this time. 

“I want to be happy with you, Ash, I know what the risks are and I still want it.” Ash needed someone to keep him safe as much as Eiji did, even if that was only bandaging his wounds and comforting him through nightmares, and Eiji wanted nothing more than to be there for him. He reached down and unplugged the power cord to the computer, watching Ash’s face as the screen went dark. 

“Probably not but you don’t really need to. If makes you feel any better, I probably won’t ever be as good with a gun as Ash.” He shrugged lightly as he moved in to guide Eiji’s arms back up. His foot unceremoniously knocked Eiji’s stance into a more stable form. “Come on, we’re going to do it again. This time, I want you to think about why you would point a gun at someone. Who are they threatening? What will happen if you don’t shoot first?”

Sing sighs as he marks how far off the mark he went. Jeez, he could shoot better when he was nine. “Eiji, do you know what every white guy says is his reason for owning an Uzi? It’s protection. In America, everyone has a gun. A lot of them have really good guns that a toddler could use. They will point them at you and have no problem pulling the trigger– and they will point them at people you care about. If someone pointed a gun at Ash or Ibe, would you want the power to protect them?”

“Then you suck and that’s why you’re practicing. Alright, now, keep your eyes on the target.”

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