broken boy

she wore a short skirt/dress

she wore a low cut shirt

She accepted a drink from someone she knew

She accepted a drink from someone she didn’t know

She acted provacitively

She initially flirted with the rapist

She was a sex worker

She had sex with the rapist in the past

She was drunk

She was under the influence of drugs

She gave the rapist alcohol/drugs

She was a drug dealer

Times when rape IS a woman’s fault

she raped someone

Feeling betrayed when people defend or sympathize with your abuser(s)

Severe abandonment issues

Constantly questioning if you deserved the abuse

Am I actually a terrible person or am I just internalizing things my abuser(s) have said to me??

Purposefully seeking out toxic relationships to further destroy your mental health

Restoring to destructive coping mechanisms because you never learned how to self-soothe

Having a panic attack when someone raises their voice at you

Constantly reinventing yourself because you’re paranoid about turning into your abuser(s)

Never being completely certain which memories are real

Difficulty creating and maintaining close relationships due to trust issues

Tons of uncertainty regarding your religious identity

What if I’m just faking everything for attention?

Fluctuating between hating yourself and hating your abuser(s)

Hypersexuality and other forms of sexual dysfunction

Craving abuse and mistreatment and despising yourself for it

Denying yourself love and comfort because you want to suffer alone and you don’t even deserve it anyways

Picking up on the slightest change of tone in someone’s voice

Projecting the mentality of your abuser(s) onto everyone you know, because if one person who you’re close with can hurt you, so can every other person too!

Maybe I was the abuser all along? Maybe I’m just being manipulative and selfish and I’m actually a horrible abusive monster??

Minuscule, insignificant things reminding you of The Bad Memories and inducing a mental breakdown

Wishing your abuser(s) had just killed you instead of leaving you alive to suffer for the rest of your life

Dissociating for weeks on end, then suddenly having an explosive meltdown because you spilled your cereal

Feeling angry at everyone around you for never noticing the blatantly obvious symptoms of early-onset trauma

Persistent feelings of worthlessness, because if your abuser(s) don’t love you, it must mean you’re completely unlovable

Connecting the dots between traumatic memories and mental health issues you have while psychoanalyzing yourself in the shower

null // 6.4.17

You walk along a food aisle in a supermarket. You are suddenly six years old and helpless. You continue walking. No one looks at you. When you get into your car you cry and cry and cry.

Your friend introduces you to someone. They smile and offer their hand. You think that their face looks a little familiar. You don’t take their hand. You feel like screaming.

You watch TV, you clean your room, you listen to music, you read, and you count the dots on the ceiling. Sometimes you do all of this at the same time. It’s still not enough.

A friend is retelling a joke and playfully smacks you. They continue with the story, but you won’t be able to move or speak for the next six hours.

Someone is talking to you, and you politely nod along. There is a child with them. They proudly state that the child is theirs. You look at the child and resist the urge to take them with you. Their eyes haunt you for the rest of the day.

I will never post a screamer video on my blog.

I’ve been bullied my entire life so affection from peers was rare. Ages 7-11 my 2 friends would often ditch me to hang out alone, and I’d be left. Ages 12-15 my only “friend” kept me around to mock me and make fun of me. The real friends I made when I was 15 who were girls were not affectionate, and most were guys, and teenage boys aren’t known for their affection towards their girl friends.

Platonic affection was basically not something I experienced until the last couple of years, and it feels foreign to me. The most I’m used to is hugging my friends goodbye, so when my friends cuddle me and tell me they love me, whilst I appreciate it, I never know ho to respond.

..and i don’t know if i’ll ever be free

You think everyone is gonna hurt you like your abuser.

Everyone is gonna hit you like your abuser.

Everyone is gonna belittle you like your abuser.

Everyone thinks you’re a burden like your abuser.

Everyone is gonna yell at you like your abuser.

And that’s why you still flinch when someone raises their hand.

Overthink when someone doesn’t reply to you.

Panic when someone’s voice tone changes.