it's so wild when your parent changes when you become an adult. my dad is very cordial and non confrontational - he regularly helps me with adult stuff like changing the oil or providing insurance tips. he's always smiling when i call him on video and providing jokes when i complain about college
when i was a kid, i would have to tiptoe around his anger issues often, sometimes running quietly past his work table until he got his own place completely separate from our family, locked away for days. every so often he would start screaming in the car and trying to hit me or my brother for talking too loud while my mom attempted to calm him down as he swerved on the road. and now he, smiling, helps me with car insurance.
like oh, this is just who you are when you have power over someone, and this is who you are when you dont have power over someone. no wonder you can have a normal life, friends, work while scaring the shit out of your kids and wife. i see it now. i see why no one would have believed me. that, i think, is one of the core fears of trauma - seeing the outside of it from the perspective of other adults that brushed you aside, and understanding. of course, that understanding gives the opposite of solace; it just gives you more grief with nowhere for it to go
id also like to add to this with the note that people absolutely can change and improve; while it is less likely, even very abusive individuals can change, if they sincerely put in the work
however, this is not what my situation is referencing. there is one important distinction between people who genuinely change for the better for everyone and people who change for the better for those they see as worthy. once i became an adult and my parents treated me with more respect, i still saw how they treated others considered below their power, which informed me of exactly who they were, and how they in actuality did not change at all
i believe this is an important point - just because someone treats you nicely, it does not mean they treat everyone nicely, and vice versa. that is why it is important to not automatically brush off stories of abuse, and why people who hold awful, bigoted beliefs can also hold the door open for you with a smile.
