Poems About Finding Love and Self Worth

Welcome to my poem blog where I share this little book I've been writing for the last 3 years:) It's deeply personal and has some convoluted feelings, but that's emotion for you!

The poems will purposefully leave out names, but often make references to things I engage with often (usually to be found on my main blog @precious-pop-punk-nerd-girl ) or the things around me. There are 2 playlists which I regularly update. If possible, I suggest listening to them in order:

Spotify:

YouTube:

The book in order can also be found here:

I'M NOT MAD

I’m not mad, no not anymore 

That fact doesn’t mean I wish you well either 

I’m glad you’re not staring at me as much as before 

This new start feels so fresh, it’s such a nice breather 

I’m still wishing that karma bites you in the ass 

But honestly whatever karma has in store is fine, it doesn’t need to be crass 

I’ve sucked away all your ability to pay attention to me 

And that makes me feel as free as can be 

It’s nice to catch you so unaware 

I hope we get to the point where I don’t even see you so you wouldn’t even get the chance to stare 

Hopefully that time is soon

It will be then that I’ll really start to bloom 

Away from you I’ve gotten so comfortable in my aroace skin 

There’s no room left for you to even squeeze in 

I like it that way, thank you very much 

I want to be so far away that you can’t even think about just a touch 

The day is coming when I never ever have to worry about seeing your face again 

That day is the day I step into a world full of condescending engineering men 

Luckily I’ve had practice dealing with assholes like them and like you 

Hopefully the tricks I’ve learned will get me through 

The only reason I’m not mad anymore is that you’ve seemed to get my message 

I’m glad you’ve finally decided to use your brain a small percentage 

I thought it was pretty obvious I didn’t want your spotlight, 

So I hope you weren’t arrogant enough to think it was your birthright 

Whatever made you stop staring, thank god it worked

BIG MAN, LITTLE DIGNITY

I wish we could leave us behind 

Every single time we make eye contact, I want to gut all my insides 

You said you wanted to be friends once

But everything I’ve seen points to the contrary 

Forgive me if I don’t think those things add up, I want to make sure this whole thing is just 

It’s just that every look you give me is so not merry 

I know it’s a bold statement to say you don’t have integrity, 

But how can I say that we could ever repair what we had when we have no more familiarity?

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle against you and your piercing stare 

I desperately want to forget that you’re even there

I shouldn’t care, not anymore 

I now know what we had was never meant to be, 

I can’t help but feel like the way we stare each other down means we’re locked in war 

Sometimes all this shit makes me want to bolt for the trees 

You make me want to disappear, it looks like you have it all 

And all I did was take a great fall 

Why on earth does my heart make me feel this small? 

I desperately plan your demise as if I will one day pull my shit together and do it 

Fanciful thinking, I’ll admit 

Part of me always hopes that one day you’ll come and try to break the ice 

But I know that such an unlikely phenomenon is worth too steep a price 

You are a big man with little dignity 

I don’t know why I ever thought you’d want to ever be in my vicinity 

Maybe my traitorous heart thought you could break the ice 

Wouldn’t that have been nice? 

I wish I could just pass under your radar and be nothing in your eyes,

But the way you look at me makes me think keeping such a delusion is unwise 

How is it that you can always pick me out in a crowd?

It’s almost like you can catch my scent like a bloodhound 

I don’t want to be under your spotlight, in the center of your attention 

I swear I don’t even want a footnote mention 

Please stop making it easy for me to slander your character 

I don’t want to assassinate all the good conversations we had, 

But I can’t help myself when you seemingly want it both ways makes me incredibly mad 

I would beg, but I want to keep my own dignity 

I don’t even want to hire a barrister 

I don’t want to think you have any sort of malignity 

But with the way you watch me, I feel overexposed 

And it leaves me desperately indisposed

I beg you to stop staring and preserve your little dignity 

And while you’re at it, please leave my fucking vicinity

If you could act normal, we wouldn’t have this problem 

SO MUCH (FOR) STARDUST

"In another life, you were my babe" 

I thought we'd be forever and have it all

I waited and waited, but that day never came

The revelation left me with no place to fall 

The girl you knew was an optimist, looking to see the best in people

Now pessimism rings constantly like bells in a steeple 

Nothing is forever, everything ends some day 

We are all edging towards a disintegration into dust 

We are all marching towards that, we have no say

It's the circle of life, a must 

I can't keep all my stardust together,

I feel like I'm free falling into the ether 

You could've been the sunshine of my life time 

Maybe then we wouldn't be staring each other like talking was a crime 

Do you think you have it all? 

Or are you aware that any moment you could take a great fall? 

I've been going through the ringer and attaching your name to my pain 

I have nothing left to give you, nothing for you to gain 

Let me disintegrate into stardust and spread it around 

I want you to spread me around like ashes instead of burying me in the ground

I'm in a state of aching it 'til I make it 

And I'm well aware that I'm rapidly falling into a pit 

So much for stardust, right? 

All these things and we can't even win the fight 

I hope that one day I become stardust in your mind,

That you allow yourself to forget my kind 

THINK OF ME (PART II)

I still wonder if you think of me 

Especially now when your eyes seem to always be fixated, not letting me just be 

“I hope you fuck her with your eyes closed and think of me”

I hope when you close your eyes, I’m all that you see 

Nevermind if she’s with you or not 

She’s not really worth me getting twisted into a knot

I don’t even flinch when I see you anymore 

Seeing you now is honestly kind of a bore 

There are no feelings I have for you left in the store 

Don’t pretend like you don’t notice me when you’re lurking 

Someone always sees you even if you’re not smirking 

Not that you usually are, but I know there is emotion behind that blank face 

It’s just a matter of us always being in a public space 

I’m still savoring that crack in your blank stare 

There was a hint of a furrowed brow

Wondering why I was even there 

You might’ve come in and asked if I weren’t amongst a crowd 

A point for me, a loss for you 

At this point, it’s a bit of a fun game to do 

“I can play normal and you can pretend”

Oh this game is thrilling, but I so want it to end 

Everyone I tell the situation to is horrified, 

They are so disgusted by your stares and lies 

I hope one day I publish these poems and you think of me 

Maybe by then you’ll see

I was never a statue to be stared at from afar 

You’ve just shown how much of a coward you really are 

Afraid to go toe to toe? 

My opinion of you has reached an all time low 

Swallow your shame and your pride

As I finally do the grand gesture of casting you aside 

You won’t ruin my life anymore,

The sight of you will stop shaking me to my core

My anger is staying and it will fade with time 

SUMMER SONG 

I started to text you in the summer, 

Now I wish I could take back that time with you 

The time I wasted thinking about you was a bummer 

Sometimes I wish you could feel the depths of my anger too

I should have listened to my gut when it told me to stay away 

I knew going down that path would be detrimental to my fate, 

Putting me in an early grave 

Why couldn’t my brain just tell my heart to behave?

Fuck I hate you like the sun in the summer 

Always there, shining down on me constantly like a goddamn drummer 

We’re on a collision course, I’m sure 

I’ll be glad when we go our separate ways, that will be my cure 

We stared each other down yesterday 

I promise you behind my eyes was the promise of hate and malice 

Especially since I had just invaded your palace

It gave me satisfaction that you were the first to look away 

Was that a crack I saw in your impassive facade? 

Did I catch you by surprise? 

Or did you just think the way I was looking was very odd? 

I know my anger was on the rise 

I invaded your territory, your house 

It made me feel powerful, terribly wicked and awful 

I get a twinkle in my eye when I plan your downfall, you bloody louse 

I promise my threats are more than novel 

I quite often plan your ultimate demise 

I won’t hide that fact behind any guise 

Eviscerating you would bring me a great pleasure, 

It would be even better than a chest of treasure 

I get the feeling some days that if we were in a novel 

That you’d be the hero, the upstanding model 

And that I would be your villain, the one out to take you down and fulfill some fucked up revenge 

I have quite the bone to pick, a right to avenge 

The fact that I regularly compile ways to kill a person is semantics, dear Holmes 

Do tell me you’re keeping up, I can’t keep repeating myself if your mind roams 

I’ve forgotten most of that summer 

Past me would have thought that was a bummer,

But current me is ecstatic that you will be on your way 

You can’t be in my brain to stay

So I hope you fucking decay until you are nothing 

CREEPIN'

I can’t help but always catch you creepin’

Sometimes I swear the safest place for me is when I’m sleepin’

It really sucks that I can’t go to the dining hall without thinking I’ll run into you 

It’s almost as if you do that too 

I feel like I’m trying to cling to the memory of what little we had 

And more and more I just feel bad 

The fact of the matter is that all of this just makes me sad 

I used to want to melt into you when I saw those eyes 

Now they’re like laser pointers that I despise 

“Why you creepin’ ‘round here?” I always ask myself, 

Panicking as I realize that you are still on my thought shelf

I feel addicted to an unwanted drug

It makes me feel like I need to cry to someone to the point where all they can offer is a hug 

As far as I can tell, you don’t even fucking live here you piece of shit 

So get the fuck out of my house and get on with it 

Thank goodness I don’t see you creepin’ around my dorm 

If I did, I’d disintegrate and probably lose all composed form 

What we had was in the past, 

I knew we could never last 

Today thinking about you has only made me feel apathy 

It’s an improvement, don’t you see? 

You used to consume my mind like a disease

Now you’re more like a swarm of honey bees

I think it’s funny that the last time I saw you, you didn’t even look up

Is creepin’ on me only a dining hall activity? 

Your appearance was so abrupt 

That I was surprised that I was speaking and you didn’t look up instinctively

It’s also funny that you seemed to boost your bar post when I didn’t like it 

It gave me a tingly feeling and all that shit 

Maybe I like imagining that you were trying to get my attention 

Which was why it was in your story as a little mention 

It gave me so much joy that I grinned super broadly 

I didn’t tell anybody for fear they would think I was acting stupidly 

I hope this is the final installment of your creepin’ 

I go out of my way to avoid you because you don’t need to see the anger that I am keepin’

Because if you did, we’d be forced to speak 

TWO OF US (STUCK)

When I initially imagined the two of us, I never thought we’d get stuck 

I never thought that the rut we’re in would be deep as fuck 

You probably aren’t even aware we’re there 

Especially since all you do is stare 

We’re not going to make it out alive 

We’re going to decompose here until someone pulls us out or we died 

I want to burn this down so bad but my conscious won’t let me 

I could never let shit like this be 

“How can somebody be so shitty to me”? 

I ask that all the time 

I just want to be fucking free 

But your gaze is holding me up like I’m being charged with a crime 

“How can somebody act so petty then pretend to be a nice guy”? 

Apparently I just know how to choose them or something 

It always ends with me wishing they would die 

And wishing that all I felt was nothing 

Sometimes I wish that I could rip the heart from my chest

And go on feeling nothing at all because all it does is fail me 

At best, all it does is throw a roadblock into my quest

At worst, my feelings are all I fucking see 

I know I should just block you or something and not deal with your shit 

But then part of me will wonder if you will notice

And I really don’t want to deal with that confrontation and the most insincere bullshit 

Especially since you initially gave up on us 

There is no more two of us, that mirage is gone 

I’ve desperately tried to get out of this rut but all I’ve achieved is becoming more and more withdrawn

If I could take it back, I would because what I did was fucking wrong 

So now I immortalize you in poems instead of songs

I can’t help but lay awake and ruminate on my wrongs 

I THOUGHT I WAS WAITING

I used to think I was waiting for you 

You seemed so attentive, so gentlemanly 

I was foolish to think you wanted the same things I do 

You did me a disservice by not meaning those words genuinely

For awhile, I was willing to wait for you until the ends of the earth 

But you coming back to me is as likely as me giving birth

I kick myself for not listening to my brain because I knew we’d end up here 

I shouldn’t have let my heart overrule my fear 

You are not like the picture I had in my mind 

It feels like everything was a fucking lie 

I always felt like I was swallowing my pride, 

Humiliating myself just to get a scrap from you 

I’m so glad I decided to hop off that ride 

I deserve everything you want for yourself too 

I am the master of my own destiny now 

I don’t need you to make me feel as attractive as a cow 

One would think the way you eye me in the dining hall would suggest otherwise 

God why do I feel like our whole relationship was built on lies? 

Did you tell me any truths or was that all a facade?

Did you really want this to work or did you just sit there and nod? 

Fucking thanks for making me feel like a fraud 

When I realized that I shouldn’t be waiting, I was so mad and I still am

But then I realized why should I even give a damn? 

You clearly don’t since you can’t put in any effort 

So why should I stay and continue to get hurt? 

Now the shoe is on the other foot and you are watching me give nothing 

I hope that fact leaves you feeling disgusting 

It gives me satisfaction to watch you pick me out 

Especially while I just go around on my daily route

You don’t deserve me now, that much is true 

So go ahead and stick to your own crew 

Besides, it seems like you wanted it that way anyways 

So don’t get pissy when you can’t have everything many ways 

I fed your ego too long and that was on me 

I was too blind to see 

My eyes are open now and I bite my thumb at thee, cur

Go run back to her

You’re her problem now and I just want you to leave me alone

Especially since you don’t even bother to blow up my phone 

I thought I was waiting for you to see that we were meant to be 

But that was extremely naive of me 

Now the only thing I wait for is your head on a platter 

Or your blood arranged in a splatter

It’s probably unhealthy to be so angry about these stares 

“But it’s stalker behavior!” my friends declare 

So I guess I’m justified in wanting you to fuck right off 

And it’s not some indignant scoff 

Goodbye forever and ever 

Please never again come near 

I know you can probably sense my fear 

But I simultaneously want you to give me closure and just disappear 

It’s best if you just go away 

ABOVE THE SALT

I’m above the salt now, above all that shit that clouded my perception of you 

You were never going to care for me, you just said pretty words I wanted to hear 

Please just go fuck yourself and go back into the depths of the ocean 

It would be beneficial for you too 

Go discover how you’re the least caring person I’ve ever met on the final frontier 

That’s right, I’ll even build the rocket and put it into motion 

How awful that I spent so long being hung up on you 

I could have been living my life too 

I shouldn’t have ever sent that DM 

I could’ve resolved the issue right then 

Guess I won a stupid prize 

And it doesn’t even come with any highs 

All I get is your eyes on me, watching me with no feeling

Your lips are pursed, definitely concealing

You say you’re spaced out, but there’s no way your eyes find me every time

I wouldn’t take that bet, even for a dime 

Being above the salt isn’t eye opening like you’d expect 

It just shows me how I was so incredibly incorrect 

I shouldn’t have jumped in at all, I should’ve stayed away 

I should’ve let college be the only game I played 

I could’ve gone my whole life never knowing you 

And honestly? It would be better than wanting to do something to make you know that you’re hidden from my view 

I’d just go my whole life thinking you’re a little silly and maybe a lot of stupid and corny 

But no. You had to inspire me to feel thorny 

I hope you choke on the salt 

Because I know for a fact you don’t even think anything right now is your fault

And honestly? What gall 

As if you haven’t fucked it all

If you’re gonna stare, at least put some words where your eyes are, pussy 

Surely such a request isn’t pushy

You’re already noticing me already, so why don’t you take it a step further so I can eviscerate you? 

I want you to leave me as a pile of goo 

You’re not the man I thought you were, it’s true 

In fact, this whole thing has given me quite the clue 

Fuck romance for me forever and ever 

I can’t feel like that steadily for eternity 

At some point I’m going to want to sever 

BODYBAG

Once upon a time, I thought you’d be mine 

But now, the thought of you in a bodybag is sublime

You were right, we wouldn’t suit

But that was because romantic love for me doesn’t compute 

Now everything is weird and the thought of you makes me sick 

Why are you such a goddamn prick?

Yeah that’s right, I said you need a bodybag

I don’t mean it as a funny little gag 

Sometimes watching you stare makes me want to stab you so fucking hard 

You’d better be on your guard 

I’m not that strong, but I’ll find some way to break bones you didn’t know you had 

You might not notice, but when I look back at you, all I think about is how I’m fuming mad 

You can give the pavement all your apologies when I kick the shit out of you

My roommate has some words to say too 

There has been absolutely no reason why you need to be creepin’ in my business

Especially when I’m already under duress 

Why can’t you be happy that I left you with what you wanted?

You said we should be friends and then fucking absconded 

This is called effort? Maybe you should check your dictionary 

Because right now, I’m feeling petitionary 

This isn’t called effort, it’s called creepy 

A less strong person by now would have become weepy 

But not me. No, I am fueled by rage and it won’t stop until you’re cold and blue 

This is no way to go through 

Am I being too aggressive? Maybe so 

But you’re out here disrupting my flow 

And every time I see you I just want you to realize that staring won’t bring me back to you 

I can’t wait until all of this is through 

Did you know I post sometimes to make you jealous?

I know I shouldn’t be so zealous, 

But the thought that you’re watching me smile without you brings a smile to my face

You probably don’t even realize that this is a race

But that’s okay because that means you’re behind 

And that secures your defeat in my mind 

One time you asked me why I connect to punk music 

Don’t you see? Punk is the only reason why I don’t lose it 

I’ve always been unsatisfied, mad that the world sucks ass 

Congrats on becoming a member of the “Reasons Why Tiff Hates The World” class

So yeah I want to put you in a bodybag

No, I don’t care if you’re going to scream at me all the reasons why it’ll be wrong 

This murder might very well be my swan song 

YOU FIRST

Well, here we are again 

I am lamenting about you being the worst of men

Honest to god, what is your goddamn problem? 

One day, you’re gonna see that you haven’t kept me from the bottom

I can’t wait to watch karma eat you alive

While I sit here and thrive

It’s very You First by Paramore

I can’t wait to see what else karma has in store

My plan to destroy you will hopefully soon be complete 

Even if it’s the last thing I do before I hit the concrete 

I might be a bad person but I still hope the world eats you alive first 

It would bring me the utmost joy to see you cursed 

Wednesday was really fucking weird 

My day would have been a tad bit less shitty if you had just disappeared 

Why couldn’t you just fuck right off to Spain again or something? 

It’s beyond irritating 

I don’t hope you live well or happily or whatever 

I, in fact, hope you are in pain forever 

I do hope you think of me while you’re with her 

It would give me the utmost satisfaction to force you to lament what we were 

Watching you watch me gives me a sick sense of pleasure 

In fact, while it feels like a curse, it also feels like a treasure

I used to beg you for your attention

But look who’s looking now, fuckwit 

You’re now the one watching me and I hope it hurts beyond comprehension 

I’ll be over here listening to my playlist about being petty as shit 

I’m going to bring you down even if it’s the last thing I do, 

Me and my large chem E crew 

My sadistic brain often thinks about how I want you to go,

Tortured and screaming for me to be done with the show 

I’ll spoil the ending: it ends with your remains in a bath of acid and being buried six feet below

Fire would give me just as much satisfaction even if it would make a scene 

You’ll see what pissing me off means 

When I told you I wanted to see effort, this was not what I meant 

You haven’t given me anything, not even a cent 

Oh sure, you’re giving me the stare 

But most of the time, I just pretend you aren’t even there 

Don’t you think what you’re doing isn’t the least bit fair? 

I hope you burn in hell, you piece of shit 

I’m angrier on the inside than I could ever admit 

My friends want me to take your balls as trophies 

But honestly? They’re worth as much as a pod of snow peas 

My conscious would let me kill you, I think 

And my brain never lets something like that float around in like bubbles in the sink

I would curb stomp you without hesitation 

And yes I will make the cover up so grand that it will be an inconclusive investigation 

Karma will get to you first 

WORST WEEK

I saw you yesterday in the midst of my worst week

You just made my week more bleak

Seeing you up close made my knees go weak 

I wish I was in bed and had gone to sleep

Yesterday I was already so angry 

I wish I didn't have my eyes to see 

You shouldn't perceive me, 

Especially since around you I can't just be 

I hope you saw me and asked what the fuck my problem was 

Ignoring people I'm mad at is something my brain just does

I'm not at all in love 

I saw you again today and stared you down 

I have a feeling you've started to see me frown 

I'm so glad we've gotten there 

Or else all of this would seem unfair 

Seeing you makes me burn with annoyance 

It reminds me that I'm not totally buoyant 

I know you had no feelings and that's okay 

But my body has decided seeing you has a steep price to pay 

Please know that seeing you made my week worse 

Especially when I already thought I should be riding in a hearse 

Please stay the fuck away 

RAGE

I burn with rage at the sight of you 

Everyone knows it too 

Nothing makes me burn with rage like you 

I want to disappear from view 

You make me want to be an actual cryptid

I wish that life was scripted

I wouldn’t be stumbling through like this 

Some days I want to beat you up with my fists 

I want you to go away 

Please go to Madrid to stay 

And then my rage can finally go on its merry way

I’m an angry person and always have been, 

I always let others get under my skin 

You are no different 

Why the fuck was I so ignorant?

My self esteem is going through the ringer right now 

I feel like a goddamn cow 

Alone in the pasture, no one to love me now 

Some days that’s okay

But today everything is gray 

My rage needs to burn away 

I can’t let it stay 

You should just let me be 

BACK (PART II)

Today, all of us came back 

I can’t believe I saw you within the time frame my parents were here 

If you keep appearing like that, you’ll give me a heart attack 

A few years ago, that would be cause for good cheer, 

But as soon as I saw you today, I hurried the other way 

This year, there are no games I’m willing to play

Mercifully, I haven’t seen you in the building, at least, not yet

This is the year I desperately want to forget 

That I ever thought you’d give me time 

Or you would even lend me a dime 

You make me feel so angry and I keep it well hidden 

Because if I had my way, you’d sure as hell be bedridden 

My emotions ebb and flow, churning in the depths of a thoroughly angry mind 

Why do I attach myself to the stupidest boys I can find? 

I don’t think my former feelings for you will ever come back 

And for that, I say thank god I’m off that track 

Sure, you said some pretty golden words for a time, 

But that thick layer of apathy on top is sure a steep drop 

It’s truly a crime that I thought you would be worth a climb 

Especially when there was no way I could ever get on top 

They say aro people always go for the unachievable 

It’s easier than confronting the fact that not having romantic attraction is believable 

I didn’t realize that until recently 

WARMTH

Once the warmth I felt for you was light, 

Hopeful, a promise of tomorrows that burned bright 

Now, the warmth is all rage, 

A burning sensation that lasts for days 

Do you think of me in the deep recesses of your thoughts? 

Or did you just make me think I had something worthy of being bought? 

I know I shouldn’t be bitter, 

But you haven’t exactly given me anything better

I hope one day the warmth of the rage goes away

I don’t want it to be here to stay

I just want to be alright someday 

But for right now, I’m going to keep that warmth away 

Because there is no way I can have you stay 

You don’t burn for me, not like I do for you 

Time to take a break, maybe a few 

BLUE

Because of you, this morning I woke up feeling blue, 

Last night replayed in my head too many times through 

I wish my bitter words would come true 

My day has barely begun and you have already colored my mood 

Oh, today isn't a day I can sit and brood 

An engineer like me always has stuff to do 

Because of you I don't want to leave my room 

It's all gray outside, the precursor to doom and gloom 

There is no joy in this body to bloom 

I hate getting anxiety attacks when I see you 

Not that it's something that you know you do 

You're honestly not worth it 

Why do I always seem to like pieces of shit? 

Recently I came out as aroace 

So you showing up could not be a more unfortunate time and place 

I'm trying to accept that I don't feel attraction those ways 

It honestly makes your world dull a bit to a palette of grays 

You're just like every heterosexual guy 

It makes me a little sick that I wanted to give it a try 

Flaunting your girl isn't the flex you think it is 

Anything could be better for me than seeing this 

There are some things about you that I miss 

But I'm working on making them easier to dismiss 

The truth of the matter is that you are too cold 

And I burn like a blue flame, truth be told 

Maybe it would've been better if we were in a separate time and place 

Part of me wants to disappear without a trace 

I hope today brings me more than just gray and blue 

Especially since it'll be on top of the other trainwrecks too