life is a highway

(Or tbh, if you have a specific one you want, just send the number)

[text] I’ll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

[text] on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left 

[text] just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart 

[text] I’m a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i’ll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i’ll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I’m sorry but i just can’t let you beat me at mario kart 

[text] This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? 

[text] o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket 

[text] Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we’re going. Hope there is candy. 

[text] Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from 

[text] I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

[text] He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.

[text] After we hooked up, his roommate shouted “I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO” from across the apartment 

[text] Someone said we’re out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying ‘but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. 

[text] You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house. 

[text] Get out of your relationship and into my pants. 

[text] I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. 

[text] You made out with both twins? Ten points to you! 

[text] This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. 

[text] I slept awesome next to you. You’re like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with. 

[text] The ticket read “Found nude in a tree" 

 [text] I think i sorta joined a cult last night 

[text] I’m still laying in bed cuz I don’t feel like adulting yet 

[text] At McDonald’s last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." 

[text] Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer. 

[text] Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.

[text] The only thing the cop asked me is….. "how are you still alive”?

[text] Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late

[text] Let’s go get coffee and handcuffs.

[text] Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I’d say the sex was good

[text] I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy

[text] I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.

[text] 75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.

[text] You think you’re funny, but you’re just an asshole.

[text] I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels

[text] I wish things were different.

[text] I told you I’d ride your broomstick if you let me call you Harry Potter and you drew a lightning bolt on your forehead.

[text] I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.

[text] Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I’m not sure she gets me anymore. 

[text] I don’t have patience for riddles.

[text] Dunno. My heart says “no”, my brain says “maybe” and my dick says “YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!”

[text] We had sex and he ended up in the hospital… don’t know if I should be worried or proud.

[text] Just tell me what’s wrong !

[text] I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

[text] … so it’s a date ?

[text] Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can’t decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking 

[text]  just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life

[text] I should have told you first, I’m sorry.

[text] You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you 

[text] why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room?? 

[text]  did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen? 

[text] I don’t understand…

[text] If I had a penis, I’d want to put it in you. And I’d treat you with respect and pay for your drinks. 

[text] You had to apologize for “being too aggressive about harry potter”

 [text] You’re so easy to be with and so hard to be without.

[text] Every morning I wake up with a sad face because I know it is the start of one more day without you.

[text] I just fell off a roof. So I’m kinda chillin for a minute. 

[text] I’m 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas

[text] You cried at the bar for 30 minutes because you got your arm stuck in your sweater. You got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped you.  

[text] Why are my keys in the refrigerator?  

[text] Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn’t know where he is.

[text] You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. “Look I’m Harry Potter.”

[text] Mom just told me I need to start having sex.

[text] I’d help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I’m still drunk

[text] YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don’t think she’s going to call you.

[text] And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever… And I’ve seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo’s David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

[text] It’s not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.

[text] Stop making me think about you. I’m busy. 

[text] You saw my boobs then looked up and yelled thank you jesus.

[text] Are you lost?

[text] NO! That was a typo

[text] I think I’m a mermaid

[text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me. 

[text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.

[text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU

[text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!

[text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants

[text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?

[text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.

[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.

[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.

[text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.

[text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension

[text] My dick just got serenaded.

[text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.

[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates

[text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle

[text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you

[text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.

[text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jello wrestle with us xox

[text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.

[text] My mouth tastes like poor choices

[text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere

[text] You’re my hero

[text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?

[text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.

[text] She high fived me out of pity

[text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask[

text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.

[text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked

[text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. 

[text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS

[text] Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?

[text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.

[text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.

[text]  I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.

[ text ]: i just sold my soul.

[ text ]: last night was…interesting.

[ text ]: i am not jealous.

[ text ]: we should get a puppy!

[ text ]: your name in my phone is asshole.

[ text ]: your head is too far up your ass.

[ text ]: i wanna be on tv.

[ text ]: i guess my company doesn’t interest you anymore.

[ text ]: so that’s your type huh?

[ text ]: something’s not right.

[TEXT]: We’re bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway…ur missing out

[TEXT]: I’m sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.

[TEXT]: two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

[TEXT]: According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

[TEXT]: I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.

[TEXT]: I still don’t know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.

[TEXT]: A surplus of mistakes were made and I don’t know what 89% of them were.

[TEXT]: Come over. Bring weed. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.[

[TEXT]: I want my tombstone to read “making poor life decisions since 1993”[

[TEXT]: I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.

[TEXT]: Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.

[TEXT]: I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock

[TEXT]: I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night

[TEXT]: Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car

[TEXT]: I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don’t have to wear a bra with my dress

[TEXT]: Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.

[TEXT]: I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there

[TEXT]: We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one

[TEXT]: That’s a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.

[TEXT]: I fell into a manhole last night, so there’s that

[TEXT]: Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I’m not pregnant

[TEXT]: I wouldn’t know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.

[TEXT]: You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

[text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese

[text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?”

[text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?

[text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.

[text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.

[text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.

[text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife.

[text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.

[text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.

[text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One.

[text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…

[text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

[text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

[text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me

[text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings.

[text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.

[text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine

[text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

[text] When was the last time you wore pants?

[text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

[text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time

[text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent

[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.

[text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition?

[text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist?

[text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention

[text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin.

[text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

[text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

[text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

[text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

[text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on

[text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant

[text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

[text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

[text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

[text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game

[text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire.

[text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

[text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

[text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

[text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable.

[text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos”

[text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

[text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style.

[text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

[text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

[text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

[text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

[text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

[text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

[text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

[text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

[text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

[text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

.[text] You yelled at the kitchen sponge and asked for the Krabby Patty secret formula. I’m pretty sure you were drunk.

[text] I just finished watching Alice in Wonderland for the third time in a row. I’m starting it again. I’m eating cocoa puffs. I’m a grown man. If you’re ever feeling down about yourself, just remember that you could be me.

[text] The last time I heard someone say ‘YOLO,’ I ended up getting arrested for pole dancing in the middle of a shopping mall. Too soon.

[text] I caught him masturbating to the Mario Bros. theme song. I’m marrying him.

[text] FUCK. FUCK. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH. IT’S NOT SAFE.

[text] You told them the TV just grew wings, unbolted itself from the window and threw itself at the ground, and then started to cry because you believed your own story and thought it committed suicide. I’m pretty sure the police were justified in drug testing you.

[text] I am literally ashamed of what I would do for a Klondike bar

[text] Don’t worry, if we end up getting chased by a murderer, we’ll just split up. Whoever he runs after, sucks for them. That means you’ve got like, at least a 50% chance of survival if you come camping.