Don't Modulate the Key Then Not Debate With Me

Alexander Hamilton:

John Laurens:

Marquis de Lafayette:

Hercules Mulligan:

Aaron Burr:

Thomas Jefferson:

I’m now accepting applications to be on Drunk History to talk about the literal most important man in my life John Laurens.

——-

Okay so our John is the oldest of like five Laurens siblings. His mums a rich ass plantation owner his daddy is a powerful slave trader (aka he will be referred to as garbageman) here is this blonde haired blue eyed, southern rich boy who basically has all the makings to be garbageman jr. But no This nerd had a passion for drawing and science. He wanted to be a doctor or work with animals but his daddy was like “noooooooo my wife died I’m depressed so I’m gonna take it all out on you.” So he ships him off to boarding school in Switzerland with his three brothers. The middle one is unimportant but the important one is Jemmy. His youngest brother. Anyways. John is there like “fuck man I’ve got no interest in these girls. OH HELLO FRANCIS FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.” So he meets fuckboii Francis another southern belle like himself. They’re straight up from the same social circle. Like Francis younger sister gave John and goodbye present when he was being thrown at Switzerland. Anyways. Those two begin this relationship. Long story short it’s really gay. Until garbageman is like “go to London and study law.” And Johns like “Whomstve the fuck!? Pass. I’ll stay with this beefcake Francis for another year.” But his dads like “no. Do what I say or I won’t love you anymore.” And as the 18th century patriarchy dictates. Daddy’s love is most important. So John and his two brothers go to London. He writes Francis all the time. Super affectionate. Boy is in love. But low and behold this fuck boi decides he’s a loyalist. And Johns like “Our political beliefs maybe different but I still love you.” And Francis is like “lol k.” And breaks up with him. So Laurens being the sass master he is Fucking shreds him in a letter. Like goes ham on how shitty Francis the king loving fuck is. It’s great. And like all good train wrecks. Once the damage starts it doesn’t stop. Garbageman decides to join congress and leave his boys in London. Basically like “alright. John is in charge no misbehaving” Well Jemmy is youngest brother dies. Falls, bumps his head and cracks it open like some humpty dumpty shit. John blames himself. Garbageman blames him. The guilt is palpable. ENTER MARTHA MANNING the poor woman meets a John Laurens who’s emotionally compromised over Francis AND HIS BROTHER that this poor boy is like “fuck I’ve never tried to bang a girl!?? How do I know I’m gay? MAYBE I CAN BE A GOOD GOD FEARING CHRISTIAN.” Accidentally puts a bun in Martha’s oven. John over here like “@me next time god.” Because he’s just fucking up. Left and right. So the revolution starts and he’s like “I’m outtie peace.” Because he’s running from his mistakes. He’s full of so much guilt it’s terrifying. His fathers like “my son. My stupid son. If you’re gonna fight in the war you’re gonna do it right. And by right I mean not at all. Take his secretary position so sit down and don’t embarrass me OR I WONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE.” And that’s when he meets our other fuckboi the ham man. And it’s like immediate sparks. These disaster gays are like: “I hate slavery.” “No way me too.” “I will die for my country. No literally. Just fucking get me shot that’s all I want.” “Holy shit me too!” “I like dick.” “ME TOO.”

It’s all pretty damn obvious. They’re together 24/7 most soldiers quoted always talk about how they’re always together. Lafayette and Laurens and Hamilton would straight up nap during the days under the trees. They share a room at valley forge. And there were a handful of aides so sharing was common, but these two were adamant on sharing. John gets shot in the shoulder 3 times. Once in the leg. And other time I forget. Either way he’s shot 6 times the sixth being the one that kills him. Anyways. The Charles Lee duel. Lee is court marshaled. John and Alex testify and the records are hilarious one of Johns lines is like; “Can you describe the battle?” And Laurens is like “lol what battle.” And drops a metaphorical mic. But John is not satisfied because lee is talkin mad shit. And Johns kind of impulsive and irrational as fuck (because he wants to die. HI MENTAL ILLNESS) John Laurens challenges lee and the play kinda gets this wrong because Hamilton tries to talk Laurens out of it. But Laurens is adamant on possibly dying so Hamilton signs on as his second. They make Lee look like a little bitch.

Time passes about a year and a half into this secret relationship. John is like “I’m gonna go start my battalion.” He’s arguing with his pops all the time like “I’ll give up my inheritance if you just back me up fucking for once.” And garbageman is like: LOL So John is away and Alex gets a letter for John. And Hamilton being the nosy fuck he is reads the letter. Turns out it’s from Martha. And he’s like “this fuck face has a wife and kid.” And loses his goddamn mind. Because Alexander is goddamn emo kid “I hate everyone except u Laurens” and now HIS BOYFRIEND HAS A SECRET WIFE!?!? So their relationship cracks a little and John is like. “Man. I was dumb. Okay. But like this has to end. I’m a miserable pile of shit go get married.” And Hamilton is like Dude. Dude. Dude. I love you. Getting married will not cure our feelings. U stole my heart shut up. (Que Alexander’s famous as lines about affection and dick jokes letter)

We don’t have many records of Laurens letters. Some people think it’s because he was busy fighting a war but they also think that his family could have burned them to protect his name, but also they might have been misscarried.

Alexander in a letter calls himself a jealous lover because Laurens sucks at writing. But here’s the thing. He calls Alexander ‘my dear boy’ and his wife ‘my dear girl’ he does that with literally NO ONE ELSE. And Alexander signs his letters to John the same way he signs them to Eliza.

SPEAKING OF Eliza, so John misses his wedding because he’s a POW and Alexander ballsy recommends he help consummate the marriage. That’s right a fucking 3some. And at one point around Laurens birthday Alexander goes down and visits Lauren who can’t leave Philadelphia they get their portraits painted. It’s probably the last time they see each other ever.

The way Alexander describes Eliza it’s a lot like he’s settling. Which is upsetting because Eliza deserved better. I don’t doubt he loved Eliza, but a lot of it was probably for family and title.

Anyways. Johns miserable. His battalion plans are failing. The love of his life is married. He can’t seem to die in the war. He writes his final letter to Alexander which is akin to saying: “Alexander please tell me you love me, let me tell you I love you. I’m in a really bad head space right now and I just I need to know you love me and that I love you.” To which Alexander responds with. “Of course I love you, come stop fighting. Join Congress.” A letter Laurens never gets because he dies short after sending his last letter.

And HAM MAN THE MAN WHO WROTE LIKE HE WAS BATSHIT INSANE. Said all of two lines about Laurens death. He was rendered speechless he was so torn up over Laurens death.

——- I’ll take a bow now.

Submitted by: @shy-lax​

aka my Lams soulmate apparently.

•Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens thought that White was easiest colour to clean

• Marquis de Lafayette attempted to sneak to America by disguising himself as a pregnant woman

•George Washington and Lafayette cuddled together under Washington’s cloak and took a nap after a battle.

• Alexander Hamilton once fell into a river and everyone assume he drowned and mourned his death only for him to storm into camp soaking wet.

• Hamilton once wrote a proposal on why John André shouldn’t be hung because he was too pretty to kill.

•Aaron Burr once caught himself on fire trying to light a candle with his gun

• Thomas Jefferson had a pet bird that went everywhere with him and was reported to have eaten from his mouth

•Martha Washington named a feral tomcat after Hamilton

• While Jefferson and Hamilton has extremely different political views, they occasionally read together

• John Adams once called Hamilton a “Creole bastard” which Hamilton responded to by slandering him*

•Washington was an excellent dancer

• Lafayette saw George Washington as more of a father figure and named his only son after him (Georges Washington de Lafayette)

• Lafayette was fluent in English after only a year of being in America

• Lafayette once threw himself in front of a canon to stop a massacre during the French Revolution

• With the help of his wife, Adrienne de Lafayette, he was able to sneak out of prison only to be arrested again the next day*

• Hamilton was fearful of getting close to Washington lest he begin to see him as a father figure

• After the death of John Laurens, Hamilton more than likely never spoke of him again (as he tended to do when anyone close to him died)*

• Hamilton was often reported to “talk to himself” while on campus when he was in actuality memorising the lessons

• Jefferson only ever made two speeches during his presidency and they were both inauguration speeches.

• Hamilton once managed to prank all of New York by pretending he could communicate with the dead after joking around with his nephew

• Abigail Adams once looked Hamilton in the eyes and said she saw the devil in him.

• While Alexander Hamilton was a lot of things, he was an extremely caring father from all reports.

• After the death of Philip Hamilton, his sister Angelica became extremely reclusive and fell into a very deep depression that left Hamilton constantly looking for ways to cheer her up. None of them worked.

• Elizabeth Hamilton, Alexander’s wife, often talked to a bust of Hamilton that was in her house after he died.

Me:

Alexander: It was an act of political sacrif—

Me:

I wanted to draw that for so long now and I finally did it AHHHH

Heaven forbid someone whisper, “He’s part of some scheme.”

Your enemy whispers so you have to scream!

1. Born on 16. 3. 1751

2. At only 5'4 (only?well he was still taller than me…), he was the shortest president and never weighed more than 100 pounds

3. They called him Little Jemmy or His Little Majesty

4. He loved ice cream

5. His doctor suggested that he takes stimulants to extend his life to 4th July, but Madison said “No” and died 6 days earlier on 28th June

6. Was suicidal and would often tell people he wished he were dead

7. Had a severe anxiety and even droped out of collage because of it, lying he’d been studying independently

8. Got arrested with Thomas Jefferson for riding a horse carriage on a Sunday in Vermont, which was ILLEGAL!

9. “Accidentally” shipped a ton of prostitutes into US

10. Paranoid over his letters being intercepted so he wrote in only code with Thomas Jefferson

11. He was a president when the White house was burned down during the War of 1812 and the British soldiers ate his dinner, dammit!

12. Sick most of his life and prone to epileptic seizures and hypochondria

13. Had a bawdy sense of humor, at least around his closest friends as he was otherwise awkward and shy af

14. Had a scar on his nose which was caused by frostbite

15. He was best buds with Jefferson

16. Sucked at poetry

17. Normally dressed in black

18. Rarely smiled in public

19. The wife of one Virginia politician refered to him as “a gloomy stiff creature”

20. Signature:

Hamilton: Wow. He sounds stupid.

Laurens: But he’s not. He’s really smart actually… he’s just dense.

Hamilton: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Just go right out and tell him, “Hey! I love you!”

Laurens: I guess you’re right. Hey Alex, I love you.

Hamilton: See! Just like that!

Laurens: Holy fucking shit.

Hamilton: If that flies over his head then I’m sorry John, he’s just too dumb for you.

-He is not homophobic.

-He is not whatever you want to say because he took the gay out of his musicals.

-He is a POC trying to making his way in the world.

-In The Heights was a risk.

-Hamilton was a risk.

-Every musical he’s made was a risk.

-And he took the gay out to not amplify his risks.

-Not the mention Hamilton is not all about the Gay. It is about His Life.

-Unless you know Lin personally, and know everything He’s done wrong, you have no right to disrespect him.

-You know what we’re lucky to have?

-The workshop versions of his musicals that still have the gay. How often do artists release those?

-Just. Respect him. Our fandom may be trash but Fucking Respect Him.

-It is not hard.