Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. Heâs like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awake? I know itâs late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I canât tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldnât be able to spell âdefinitelyâ right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write âdefiantlyâ, because she doesnât care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I donât like tattoos and heâs like twenty-five. And for Christâs sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. Itâll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: Itâs like you didnât read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week youâre reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworthâs. Itâs like sixty pages long, but youâll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesnât like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You arenât my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So youâre getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since Iâm a teacher, and since Iâm a teacher, itâs all I can afford, soâŚ
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but heâs such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldnât get so mad when you call me at school if you didnât change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. Iâm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: Whatâs the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
