My “stepbrother” has been in the horrible in critical condition for 11 days. Some dumb kid was driving stupid and hit his bike. It feels like My family is having me care about a stranger, but they keep giving me updates since I should care more than I do. Everytime they call and give me good news, the next day it’s bad news. Today is the first time my mom has admitted he may not make it. He was dead on arrival, had been resuscitated 3 times, and is now not responding to being taken off of the paralytics, paid meds , and being out of the coma.

Like if I hadn’t gotten an extra ultrasound a couple of weeks ago to prove I was still pregnant. I would be having anxiety attacks. The only reason I am not a complete mess is because is got to see little peanut, and the rational part of me knows that we are past the risk period.

But literally I might punch the next person who asks if I can feel the baby move, or if I know what I’m having yet. Like it’s the same 5 people, who get the same answer every time.

And what am I going to do when I actually do show and everyone wants to touch my belly. I almost had a panic attack think about it on Friday. The only people I’m comfortable having any type of physical contact with that aren’t my family or Cory are in California.

I spent the last 5 years telling my self I didn’t want kids. Long enough that I was starting to believe that lie. I think that’s the hardest part of fertility specialists.

I let myself want kids again. We have both desperately wanted kids since basically the beginning. We now have this hope that this might work. But the thing is, it doesn’t always. I’m trying so hard to remember that and not get my hopes up. Everything has happened how it is supposed to in the past month, and we’ll find out if we’re pregnant on Christmas Day.

Until then, I have to wait for the HCG trigger shot to get out of my system. I have to remind myself, and remind him, that the shot has all the same symptoms of pregnancy, because it is the pregnancy hormone. Which is why we can’t do anything until Christmas, because it won’t be out of my system until then.

Basically, you’d think that I would be able to keep telling myself that it’s okay if it doesn’t work, and not stress. But I don’t know how. This is hard and I took a test this morning knowing it would only show the shot, because I was hoping it was out of my system. It’s not, I knew it wouldn’t be.