so I've had a really hard week and am feeling very emotional this morning over all the stress that has accumulated these past few days. I'm alone in my room and there's no one to talk to right now so heyyy tumblr.
(before my rant I guess I should clarify that my old job of working at the shelter ended because I wanted to focus on school and the schedule didn't work for me. I quit thinking osap was going to support me but NOPE, thanks osap...... so I had to look for another job. I used to work with homeless refugee children and now I serve rich white people hahhhh)
I just started a new job working as a server at a fancy french restaurant and I knew it was going to be difficult, but to be honest I don't mind the work itself, which is pretty manageable. It's the constant condescending, judgmental, disappointed eye of my boss every time I make a mistake or have a question (which, by the way should be acceptable since I'm still training, no? Like I'm learning as I go and am I just expected to know every detail without being trained on it?).
Last night I had to make a mojito and the cut up half lime we had was so dry it looked pretty useless. So in the fast-paced demanding environment of a million customers I tossed it. He saw me, and instead of saying "hey, let's try to save as much food as possible" he had this smug smile and shook his head and told me I could never run a business if I keep doing this; it'll last less than six months if I don't save the limes!1!11!! Like first of all stop assuming when you see me do one thing I've been doing it constantly the whole time when you weren't looking, that was literally the first time, I'm usually very self-conscious about saving food not because of money but because I've studied food security and how damaging and excessive food waste is in our food culture, BUT ANYWAY let's be clear on one thing: I'm not here for my future career goals in owning my own restaurant, I'm here to pay rent. Low, personal blows like that are so completely unnecessary and actually hinder my learning as an employee.
At the same time I'm trying to turn on my social work brain and be mindful of his situation, but it's easier said than done. I assume he grew up working as a busser and server at restaurants, was treated the same way, and that's how he learned everything and in his opinion these harsh personal attacks are the most effective ways to learn. I'm trying to cope by removing myself from the situation as much as possible, but yeah, easier said (thought) than done.
On top of all this I just got over the flu and been going through some peak busy times at school. I haven't been able to spend as much time with my bf lately and instead of hanging out with him tonight, I'm working again serving 140 people on v-day dates. I feel emotionally drained. The bleak, cold winter of Toronto is also not helping.
This has been a very negative post because it's just me expressing all the frustration I'm feeling right now, but I have one very very positive thing to share:
At work there's this very strong and experienced server who's been working there for about a year and I wish she is my actual boss. She's a really good teacher in a way that I understand the first time and she doesn't have to tell me again. She is understanding and super kind and sometimes when she passes behind me she gives me this light hug/shoulder squeeze, and to be honest I'm just realizing how important those are in just keeping me mentally stable and emotionally together for a shift. It's such a simple gesture but so so so so reassuring and comforting at a time when everyone/thing is reminding me of how inadequate and incompetent I am. So the world needs more people like her. Be like her.
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