S U R V I V A L

ii.  you’ve only dated one girl before , back in college when you were tucked far away from your mother , from the rest of the world . it didn’t last . it never lasts . between your mom , your career , and jess – it never lasts . but here you are , pacing outside of her front door , hoping to make something that does . you keep reaching to knock but you can’t , because it’s too scary . it’s to big of a risk . you want to be the hero but you can’t , because everyone knows that heroes are supposed to set an example , but who’s going to trust the queer , ex-addict to be their hero ?  you couldn’t even handle being patsy , how are you supposed to be anything else . and the second you get scared , the second you want to run , she opens the door and you’re sucked in . the first thing you do is kiss her , just kiss her and let the rest wash away . 

iii.  you’re sitting on a rooftop , watching the sunrise . you think it’s romantic , she says it’s cheesy as hell , but you know she thinks so too . your head leans against her shoulder and suddenly , all you want to do is freeze this moment and stay here forever . instead , you lift your head up to kiss her , to relish it while you can . this is a moment to save .

iv.   you can’t save each other . both of you are on these downward spirals , making messes and ruining things . you don’t mean to . you don’t want to . you’ve been away too long . you’ve been hurt too long . it scares you down to your bones . her hand touches yours and you are anchored . she is light , and you feel light , and suddenly , everything is bright again . you kiss her forehead , now . an intimate gesture , one you can’t let go of . she opens her mouth : you gettin’ soft on me , walker ? you answer : never .