From the Closet to the Cottage

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I choose to believe the only person in the league with a more accurate gaydar than Ilya Rozanov, but he doesn't know it. Somehow he has given some sort of lecture on queer rights to every single one of them. He has yelled about it at Troy Barrett (who would have liked him to yell at Dallas Kent pls) and given the most clumsy explanation on how gender is complicated to Ryan Price who just stared at him.

Ilya eventually notices and just starts following him around at big events, using him as his queer scenting hunting hound. Like, huh, hadn't clocked that one yet, nice to not have to do all the work around here for once. (He also confirms for Ilya that Hayden has a crush on his man, though Hayden is like 'Vaugn why are you lecturing me like I'm not Canadian you???')

AKA Sunshine is not that innocent

In light of my many deep dives into Hudson’s psyche, I’ve gotten a few messages along the lines of, “But what about Connor’s role in all this?” Which have arrived with perfect timing, because even though I love him to death, it’s time to give Hudson a reprieve. His energy screams that he needs a Break (not that kind, neverrr), so I’m happy to oblige.

Okay! Connie. Light of my life…

The fascinating thing about Connor is that he wears many faces, but all of them ring true. Not to be confused with masking, imho. I won’t say he never masks, but what we usually see him doing is not the same thing. (YMMV).

To quickly clarify the difference - You’ll catch me refer to masking a lot re: Hudson, because he uses it as a shield to get him through anxious, stressful situations. And sometimes exciting, thrilling things can provoke anxiety too.. Kinda just the way things can go, especially through an ADHD / ND lens. When fight or flight kicks in, Hudson likes to retreat behind his charming persona and roll through it, despite his internal need to find safety and comfort (usually in the arms of a handsome blond).

What’s fascinating about Connor is that even though he enjoys being comforted, he himself has said in a few occasions that anxiety and challenges don’t really get to him. He acknowledges stress in what I would deem a very healthy way - as something to recognize and work through. When the going gets tough, he steadies his steps and gets tougher.

There’s a contradiction to Connor, and I think that’s why he’s so misunderstood. No one can seem to agree if he’s overly sensitive, or secretly in control of the situation. If he’s a warrior, or if he’d rather run and hide. I argue this: he is everything.

The wonder about Sunshine is that he has multiple faces, and all of them are different parts of his personality. None of them ring false. Sometimes he is the sensitive artist. Other times he is the oddball comedian. Sometimes he’s the cool, alternative rebel. Sometimes he’s the classy model that wears demure restraint. Sometimes he’s strictly business. The compassionate friend, the naughty lover. Etc, etc. I don’t think he’s false about anything - I think he chooses when to employ and reveal different aspects of himself, like he’s browsing through his closet of outfits. Different aspects of himself match different situations and dynamics he shares with others.

I’ve heard a few people say he seems fake. Au contraire! I think he’s as genuine as can be. People are just not used to someone who’s so adaptable and clever. The world is a stage, and he’s looking at it from all angles.

Connor is a chameleon, and I mean that in the most beautiful way. He shifts and changes, but inside of him are dazzling colors that radiate out. Beneath everything he does is the same thread of integrity, love and truth that we’ve come to know and admire him for.

That’s the big one: Truth.

That brings me to my answer to all of the “What about CONNOR?” in these questions. “Why is everyone blaming Hudson for this mess? Isn’t Connor culpable in this circus?”

I know the answer. And I’m sure he would tell you no different: Yes. Signed, sealed, approved.

Every suggestive comment Hudson makes. Yes. Every flirty video clip or photograph. Yes. Every fond, affectionate gesture that borders on provocative. Yes.

I don’t believe there’s a single comment, post, photo, or even moment that Connor has not considered, reflected on, and endorsed. Hudson does not move independently of him; he moves with him. Do not mistake Connor’s willful silence as ignorance. Him choosing to save his energy, and carefully choose what he perceives, does not in any way mean he’s naive, closed off, or detached from The situation. Or any situation involving his name.

Do not mistake his gentleness for weakness. He is deceptively strong and strategic. If you follow any readers, you’ll often see them describe Connor with a mysterious evasiveness, like he’s choosing what they can and cannot see. He can be hard to read because he guards himself tightly, but he’s sensitive enough to let his emotions show through when he’s happy or in need of support.

I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t want to piss him off. For as loyal as we know Hudson is, he’s found that same protection in Connor. I sometimes feel that Connor’s wrath must be like something from an old god, born of deep awareness of himself, your character and what you’ve done. He doesn’t want to play games. He doesn’t fuck around. Simple as that.

I find Hudson’s view of him to be really endearing. In his eyes, Connor is a sweetheart that’s almost too good for this world, someone he’ll stand in front of a moving train for, to keep from harm. But I’d wager that at the same time, in Connor’s view, he’s here to stand firm in the ground and shield Hudson from things that hurt him, to help bandage his wounds when he retreats. They lean on each other in different ways, but there’s no such thing as “the strong one” or “the weak one”.

Ahh, it’s really lovely ☹️♥️

We need to remember that Connor is Hudson’s favorite person. And Connor knows Hudson belongs to him, in whatever capacity you want to imagine. The exact mechanics of the situation don’t change the fact that they put each other first - and if Connor so much as disapproved of a single pixel or statement, Hudson would quickly amend it. Because he knows Connor would do the same.

It’s easy to mistake Connor’s secretive nature as meaning that he’s not paying attention. But he’s simply filtering out things that don’t matter. He knows what matters to him - more than most of us do. He’s walked through a dozen doorways in life so far, and he takes an immense sense of self (and what he values most) through each one.

There’s a certain person at the center of his world, sharing that space with only his very few, precious human beings. He will do anything for them, and he will stand by them. No matter what! Above drama, arguments and petty bull.

I really think his love must be something really tremendous and special. He forges lifelong bonds; when you need him, he’ll carry you through anything.

Ilya would sit his team down and be like: Boys. You know how the second greatest hockey player in the league fucks up our chances at the cup pretty regularly? Well what if I told you I’ve decided to take one for the team and solve this problem for us once and for all. That’s right, I’ve leveraged my incredible body and sex appeal to seduce Shane Hollander to Boston at an extreme pay cut, thus basically securing us every cup until the end of time. Now everyone be nice to this hot piece of ass I have secured for hockey reasons because I’m such a baller.

I think they would crown him a champion. I think they would be like “the gay thing is weird but we can’t argue with results and anyway Ilya’s fucked all the pussy from Boston to Montreal it makes sense he’s branched out. Boston would be like “we literally don’t care if they’re fucking on center ice if they’re winning cups they’re winning fucking cups”. Shane would do a joint dunks commercial with him and eventually become the people’s sweetheart. Maura Healey would personally petition for Ily to get citizenship.

After one inconsequential game, a reporter asks about what Coach Theriault and Hayden think of the future of hockey with their former star player playing with his husband. Theriault says some shitty PR nothing answer laced with so much disdain that Hayden just. can't. take. anymore.

Obviously his team wants him to shit-talk his best friend and de facto brother-in-law who happen to be playing the best hockey of a generation (he will never let Ilya know he thinks this). The reporter obviously is chomping at the bit for a "dissension in the locker room" story that will make his life even more miserable. So, fuck the both of them.

"and how about you Hayden, what do you think about the future of hockey with Hollander and Rozanov?"

"Well, I think they should get on having kids, like surrogacy or adoption of something"

Dead silence, the reporter blinks in confusion. He can feel the glare coming off Theriault burning into the side of his face. He doesn’t turn his head and blithely goes on.

“Yeah, specifically 3 girls. I have 3 girls so if they have 3 girls, we’d have a whole hockey team to start in the pee-wees and get to the PWHL. My Ruby would obviously be a defender. She’d spend her whole life in the box, but she'd be such a good enforcer, especially if she was playing with her sisters.  Jade is sneaky fast, so forward for her. And I know Amber is a baby, but I swear she’s got goalie eyes. My son Arthur is already the peacemaker of the family, so Uncle Shane could start training him up on all the rules so he can be our ref. But Shane and Ilya would have to get themselves another defender and a right or left wing with a center. Yep, that’s the future in hockey I’d love to see with Hollander and Rozanov”

Written Features/Photoshoots

Here’s a photographic compilation of the different quotes from Hudson and Connor mentioning one another. Enjoy! ☺️

Disclaimer: I only included quotes from written features/photoshoots that they have each done individually over the past few months.

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