This is the most *frustrating* post to write.
I've lost my libido, and for it to make sense I have to give you a little background.
One year and one week ago, I had a massive mental health crash. And it was a good thing, because the extreme anxiety I'd lived with my entire life just...vanished. (Along with my ability to function on a day-to-day level, but I'll get back to that.)
Suddenly I had chill. I was so unused to it that I just kind of stared at walls for two weeks, but then...I also had horny. So, so much horny. Years of it stored up and flooding forth. I discovered an ability to write fiction. I got into the horny side of Final Fantasy XIV. I made friends in the kink community and kicked off a bunch of wonderful, satisfying RPs. I started my wonderful little Elly's Whiskers community on Discord. And I did so very much Tumblr scrolling. Daddy wasn't sure what had hit him, but he loved it.
But I'd lost all my ability to actually function on anything but a horny level. For a while, just basic self-care was a struggle. I eventually mastered that again, but anything beyond caring for myself and our household just didn't happen. And it turned out that the grim determination of anxiety had been covering up a deep well of depression, so I began sinking into the void with more and more regularity. It's also hard to be horny when you're thinking dreamily of how peaceful it would be if you offed yourself.
With my therapist's enthusiastic blessing, I found a psychiatrist who began managing my meds, which were clearly no longer adequate to the situation. She switched out my old medication for a new one.
The new medication slipped a floor under my feet, closing off the void. What a relief, to no longer spend days at a time sitting at the bottom of an emotional well. But my libido, my fiction writing, my ability to RP, all the wonderful things I'd gained vanished as well, to be replaced with the old anxiety. And my old ability to work and function didn't come back, giving me the worst of both worlds. The psych increased the dosage on the new medication, to no effect.
During *that* process, the holidays hit, which were two nightmarish weeks of navigating past trauma. After that there were two weeks of peace before I came down with a cold that settled into my chest for *another* two weeks, which brings us to today. Physical health-wise, I'm improving -- I'm down to sniffles and a cough -- but mentally, I'm struggling. Imagine the "let me in" meme, but with a very sad catgirl. There's a door, and on the other side of it is something closer to my true self. My horny, my fiction, my roleplaying, my relaxation, my fun. But I don't have the key, and all clawing at the door seems to do is hurt my paws.
Please don't give me advice. It's not a matter of just relaxing, or finding the appropriate breathing exercises. My broken brain isn't subject to willpower any more than a broken arm. If we've been chatting, you're always welcome to message me, but know that I'm pretty much restricted to safe-for-work topics right now, and attempts to push me in horny directions will likely backfire on us both.
I next see the psych in a few days, and of course we'll shift my meds some more to try to address this. But each change takes weeks and weeks to truly see if it will work. I haven't forgotten about you. I'm still alive. But right now, I'm just sad. I miss my full self.
