HEALSELFS

“  i’m not going anywhere.  ” “  you make me feel safe.  ”   “  i think i might be in love with you.  ” “  i just like seeing you happy.  ” “  just let me take care of you.  ” “  you’re my family.  ” “  i can stay, if you want.  ” “  you make me feel alive.  ” “  you’re captivating.  ” “  i want you to know i’ll always be here for you. whatever you need.  ” “  you don’t have to tell me anything, we can just sit here.  ” “  i trust you. more than anyone else.  ” “  you have a beautiful soul.  ” “  i feel like i could watch you all day. everything you do has a touch of magic to it.  ” “  i hope i see you in my dreams.  ” “  do you trust me?  ” “  you don’t ever have to pretend. not with me. not ever.  ” “  i love you, every part of you. even the parts you don’t like.  ” “  you make everything a little easier.  ” “  will you just…hold me? please.  ” “  just tell me everything’s gonna be okay.  ” “  you’re enough. you’re more than enough.  ” “  you have my heart in your hands. be gentle with it.  ” “  i wanna be the one you go to. the first one you tell when there’s something good. the shoulder to cry on when it’s bad. and every mundane thing in between. i want to share it all with you.  ” “  i have faith in you.  ” “  i’ve never met anyone quite like you.  ” “  knowing you is like…coming home. like i’ve finally found something that’s been missing all this time.  ” “  every hard thing in my life feels worth it. it all led me to you.  ” “  i feel like i could endure anything as long as i have you to come home to.  ” “  i can tell something’s bothering you.  ” “  what can i do to help?  ” “  come on. let’s get out of here.  ” “  i’m taking you somewhere special.  ” “  where are you taking me?  ” “  i don’t need grand gestures or declarations of love. i just need you. all of you.  ” “  you make me feel like i’m worthy.  ” “  you deserve good things.  ” “  i want to be your home.  ” “  loving you is like something holy.  ” “  i made you something.  ” “  come back to bed.  ” “  stay the night with me.  ” “  are you sure you’re okay?  ” “   you wanna talk about it?  ” “  did you wanna tell me something?  ”  “  you’ll always have me.  ” “  i’m proud of you.  ”   “  i need you.  ” “  thank you. for always being there for me.  ” “  don’t ever let anyone make you doubt your worth.  ” “  i’m not leaving you. not ever.  ”   “  you have kind eyes.  ”   “  sleep, my love. i’ll keep the nightmares away.  ”   “  there’s so much light in you.  ” “  i want you here.  ”  

ACTIONS: 

          Gemma can feel her eyes stinging,     the build up to tears.   She hates crying,   especially over a boy but she cannot find it within herself to hold it back any longer.   She felt as though she was made the fool,   for ever holding a candle to someone who did not want her in the way she wanted him.     The feel of his lips,   their kiss     -     it had meant not nearly close to half of what it had meant to her.   She can only be mad at herself,   the tears falling forth from her lashes in tremulous rage.   Her hands ball tightly into the sleeves of her robes,   lifted to wipe away the burning rivers down her cheeks.

          ❛ I hate him. ❜     She doesn’t,     and she had thought the words would make her feel better but they don’t.   Instead they incite more tears,   more crying,   a sob choked on caught somewhere in her throat.   Gemma is a mess,   always five when she cries,   and her only comfort is knowing that it is only Rose to see her this way.   Beneath the usually carefully poised mask she wears is still a girl very much in the process of growing.   Her voice quivers,   daring to try and find the proper words to displace her pain.      ❛ They’re crueler creatures than   -   than I’ve ever read about. ❜

          She knows Rose understands this pain,   knows that she can rely on her to ease it.   It was,   after all,   how they had become friends in the first place.   Gemma is were Rose was then,   alone and perhaps mostly feeling angry at herself more than anything.   She rubs at her cheeks until they feel raw beneath the material of her uniform,   until that hurts almost as much as the painful thudding in her chest.   It’s a distraction at the very least and not much more than the girl can ask for as she cries all of her tears to emptiness.

          For a long while neither of them speak,   Rose sitting quietly at her side as she breathes in deep.     In through her nose,   out through her mouth     as her mother had taught her to help calm herself.   Gemma leans against Rose,   seeking out the warm comfort,   ignoring the threat of a headache that begins to build.   She thinks of Kartik,   bottom lip trembling.   She does not understand him,   no matter how hard she tries.   It’s as though he pushes and pulls her like the moon does the tides,   and she can only ever comply.