Being used to things was something Emma found herself able to relate to.Â
Albeit a relatively knew feeling, she could understand the strange sense of acceptance for a terrible situation. There was a sort of calm to the hopelessness of it. Once you stopped struggling to keep your head above the raging waters of panic, Emma had found, there was a sense of calm. Almost a sense of observing from the outside at the situation. It had been a while since that calm had washed over her. The last time she could keenly remember it was moments after the word âanythingâ had left her lips. The fight was over and she had lost. There had been nothing to do at that point but to simply observe. To watch calmly, and learn how her life was to change.Â
For Evan though, it seemed (to Emma, at least) that being used to it, to him was something different. Maybe not the sense of dissociative calm⌠And he was used to something from his family. Emma couldnât fathom an instance where she would need to withdraw far away from herself with her family. Not to the extent that she associated with being used to things they oughtnât be.Â
The question he posed at his and Theoâs predicament forced a long, slow sigh to hiss from her lungs. Would it be enough? Perhaps that was the most important question for those of them who hung ever so precariously between the Order and the Dark Lord. Would it ever be enough? Would their services, freely given or otherwise, would they ever be enough to free them? Ever enough to absolve them of the guilt that came from patching the wounds of those whoâs faces they lied to every single day? Would they ever be free from it, truly?
âDoes⌠Does she think she has?â In truth, Emma didnât know the details of the otherâs work in spying. She avoided talking business, especially with Theo. If for no other reason than so that no one (especially not someone as committed as Theo) would catch her slip up. So Emma did not really have much of a clue as to her secure Theo was in her standing. All Emma did know for certain, was that Theoâs blood made her place with the Dark Lord a precarious oneâŚÂ
She paled a little as he spoke. Listening to Evan speak aloud the things she was too much a coward to admit to herself⌠It was a sobering reality. âThey wonât take kindly to any of us, I donât think, should they find out.â She said, her voice soft. âBut I donât think they would punish an innocent⌠No matter their lineage. They might not want to help you, but the child? Theyâd certainly help the child.â
It had been best to do as he was told with minimal complaint. Had been best to follow the guidelines that had been set since birth. Carefully chosen moves to have it come crashing down sooner than he would have preferred. It was a miracle in itself that he had managed to avoid his parents forcing him into a betrothal without his consent on the matter.
His parents barely knew him at this point in his life. How could they when his personal interests didnât line up with the idyllic future they had crafted for him from the moment they learned they got their heir on the first try? He was all too used to carefully guarding thoughts around them that not practicing occlumency when at the manor had become a rarity.
âDoes it matter?â Evan hadnât meant to be as blunt as he was but there was no stopping the words once the thought came to mind. âMy father is held at high enough esteem he could convince the Dark Lord make both of us miserable if he puts two and two together.â Another worry to add to the seemingly never ending list of repercussions the current situation would have. If it turned into being pulled from the Order to the field for the death eaters⌠There would be no way of explaining his way out of that predicament.
âI cannot admit I would have done less with Lily,â Evan grimaced and shook his head. âNot this far into things. I do not plan on doing anything less either.â Admitting such shouldnât have felt like a death sentence. Not when he had been dedicated to the Order as long as he was. There was merely the matter of knowing the Dark Lord would see no shame in making an example out of him for what happened when supportersâ loyalties faltered.
âI still question if that is enough,â Evan sighed. âI suppose there wonât be any knowing until it gets to their finding out. That is nearly as terrifying as trying to keep the secret with the knowledge this may turn into the Death Eater end of things taking a more unpleasant shift.â He could handle himself if it meant defusing the consequences on Theodosiaâs end. âIâm not comfortable with asking for assistance until certain they wonât cast Theo and the baby aside the moment they discover the mark on my forearm.â