useless boygirlfailure

CONSERVATION OF ENERGY - Food needs can be met with an expenditure of 1.23% of total magic. Proceed?

GRIEF SYNDROME [Trivial: Success] - MAGICAL GIRLS THAT IGNORE FOOD ARE OFTEN MORE PRONE TO GRIEF ACCUMULATION. MY ARMS WILL ALWAYS BE WAITING FOR YOU, HOMURA, BUT IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY UNTIL THAT DAY. BESIDES, MADOKA WANTS TO EAT WITH YOU. DISAPPOINTING HER WILL FILL YOUR SOUL GEM WITH A HALF A GRIEF SEED WORTH OF DESPAIR.

TEA WITH MAMI-SAN [Legendary: Success] - Sayaka says the beef bowl is good? Maybe go for that. She knows Madoka’s tastes better than anyone — and if Madoka likes something, you will certainly like it too.

“I will have the same as you, Madoka.”

“I’m not feeling very hungry.”

[CALL AND RESPONSE - Medium 10] Come up with an order on your own

CALL AND RESPONSE - [Medium: Failure] - You’ve eaten here before, you’re pretty sure. Was it Loop 32… no, Loop 12..? No, wait, it was on the first Friday of Loop 68. No… that’s not right. You’ve never eaten here before. In a stunning display of incompetence, you have taken Madoka on a date to a restaurant that you have never experienced before.

THE ANGEL - It’s okay, Homura-chan! I don’t mind if you haven’t eaten here before. Remember what real me said, Sayaka thinks this place is good! And even if it’s not perfect, that’s okay, just spending time with you makes me happy.

THE CRAVEN MASSES - Sayaka has raised her blade against Madoka 16 times before. You should leave this restaurant and kill her. It would only take-

FALLING SAND [Trivial: Success] - 1528 seconds on average.

CONSERVATION OF ENERGY - It can be cut down to 1243 seconds with an expenditure of 2.7% of total magic pool.

THE CRAVEN MASSES - Exactly. Do it in front of her family and make it bloody. Kyoko would likely try and stop you, but even she isn’t immune to bullets. And if Mami comes for revenge, well, you know the exact words you could say that would destroy her, don’t you?

THE ANGEL - A-Ah, I think that’s a bit of an extreme reaction, Homura-chan!

HUMAN SHELL - Your heart rate is increasing. Stop that. You have absolute control over your flesh. Act like it.

MOE INSTINCT - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT ARE WE GOING TO ORDER MADOKA IS GOING TO LAUGH AT US

WITCH’S NIGHT - Is… is this a trap? Walpurgis may be defeated, but you know that the stage witch never truly ceases its show. Perhaps this restaurant is a part of the stage?

MADOKA - “Um, are you okay, Homura-chan?”

MOE INSTINCT - OH GOD SHE HATES US

“I’m going to kill myself.”

“I’m so sorry. Would killing myself make you feel more comfortable?”

Isn’t there anything else you can say?

YOU - Isn’t there anything else you can say?

THE DEVIL - Come on, Homura. It’s high time you do it. Really, this is just another in the long, long chain of failures that make up your life. The only way to fix it is to kill yourself.

CLOCKWORK PRECISION - Target: Located on right ring finger. Target is not moving. Chance to hit: High. Plan: Retrieve pistol. Aim pistol at ring. Pull trigger.

THE ANGEL - Oh my god, please do not do that!

"I am going to kill myself."

"I'm so sorry, I'll kill myself if it makes you feel better."

"I'm so sorry. Should I kill myself?"

There. There has to be better options than this.

YOU - There. There has to be better options than this.

MOE INSTINCT - I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. THE ONLY RECOURSE IS IMMEDIATE SUICIDE. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY MADOKA WILL LOVE YOU AGAIN.

"I am going to kill myself."

"I'm so sorry, I'll kill myself if it makes you feel better."

"I'm so sorry. Should I kill myself?"

YOU - “I’m going to kill myself.”

MADOKA - Madoka’s face twists, her eyebrows raising slightly in shock. Whatever response she was expecting, it was clearly not this.

GRIEF SYNDROME [Challenging: Success] - IF MADOKA WAS A MAGICAL GIRL, HER SOUL GEM WOULD FILL BY A QUARTER HEARING YOU SPEAK THOSE WORDS. THAT WAS CRUEL, HOMURA.

MOE INSTINCT - WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?

MADOKA - “I’m so sorry, Homura-chan. Please don’t do that. I… I really care about you and so does everyone else.” Madoka’s eyes fill with tears as she speaks. She hugs you.

DAMAGED MORALE -4

CALL AND RESPONSE [Trivial: Success] - Quick, tell her you were making an edgy joke that didn’t land. You’ve gotten away with that before, you’re pretty sure.

SPACE-TIME MASSACRE - Twelve quarter shifts left and two up from your current space-time position, and there’s a Japan that it’s actually illegal to not commit suicide in.

FALLING SAND - You’ve been seated for 5 minutes and 32.5 seconds already and still have not ordered. Mami has requested your presence at her apartment in 3.4 hours from now.

TEA WITH MAMI-SAN - She wants to help you find a hobby. She’s really worried about you, you know.

STRINGS OF FATE - You can feel Madoka’s heart beat in sync with yours as she holds you. Everything will be alright, as long as you follow the beat.

THE ANGEL - Yeah! It’s okay Homura-chan. Just explain what’s been going on and Madoka will understand. And then order something, it’s important to eat a full meal!

YOU - “Ah, sorry Madoka. I was… overwhelmed with choice, and my… brain spit out the first thing it thought. I am not planning on killing myself.”

MADOKA - “Um, I think we should probably talk about this more, Homura-chan….”

CALL AND RESPONSE - Ask her a question to change the topic. It’s worked in three different loops, it should work here.

RATIONALITY COMPLEX [Trival: Success] - Ask her if she wants to try anything else and then order that for yourself. This will accomplish your goal of deciding on what to order, as well as showing Madoka that her desires are important to you.

YOU - “Is there anything else you’d like to try, Madoka? We can share our dishes.”

MADOKA - “Uh, okay Homura-chan. Maybe get some tempura?”

Order 10000 yen worth of tempura

Order 1000 yen worth of tempura

Order 100 yen worth of tempura

YOU - “Excuse me waiter, give me 10000 yen worth of tempura.”

HUMAN SHELL - Calories and magic are just two different types of fuel. Feed me and control me.

THE ANGEL - T-that’s probably too much, Homura-chan. Maybe you can sneak some into your cool shield, though!

MADOKA - Madoka doesn’t say anything, but her eyes do bulge out slightly. She gives you a gentle pat on the shoulder and smiles at you.

HEALED MORALE +1

RATIONALITY COMPLEX - Displays of wealth like this can broadcast value to potential mates. This will increase your value in Madoka’s eyes, furthering along one of your goals.

THE ANGEL - I think you should just focus on enjoying the food, Homura-chan. Take a break, everything is okay.

Thank you.

Why don’t you hate me?

YOU - Why don’t you hate me?

THE ANGEL - Because I care about you, Homura-chan! And besides, you hate yourself far too much already.

Thank you.

NO NO NO NO IT CANT BE TRUE PLEASE PLEAAAAASE PLEASE DONT SAY THAT YOU CANT BE TALKING ABOUT THAT

ANANSI THE SPIDER - Hey, rude.

THE ANTONYMPH - girl itz literally fine uve faked sobriety to her before. here lemme drive ill get us some water

- that sounds like a good idea

- no fuck off

- can we get rum instead

YOU - that sounds like a good idea

THE ANTONYMPH [Formidable: Failure] - shit itz not working

YOU - what do you mean it's not working?

THE ANTONYMPH - it means u're on ur own here bbg

cottonmouth isn't that bad

[Dolly Fallover: Challenging 12] ok i'll get the water myself

DOLLY FALLOVER [Challenging: Success] - You almost pass out after standing up, but shifting all of your weight onto the side table keeps you upright. Several loose bits and bobs are knocked onto the carpet. Keeping a hand on the wall, you are able to stumble through the dark and reach the bathroom.

- grab the cup

- drink straight from the tap like a dog

- turn the lights on

YOU - drink straight from the tap like a dog

FRIGHTENED COYOTE - yayy the water tastes better this way. mmm tap water heheheh mlemmlemmlem

DOLLY FALLOVER - The crisp water soothes the dryness, if only momentarily. What your mouth couldn't catch runs down the side of your cheek and moistens your hair. You lap at the stream until the cold makes your gums ache.

HEALED HEALTH +1

HEALED MORALE +1

THE ANTONYMPH - told u itd help

DOLLY FALLOVER [Medium: Success] - The path to your room is easier on the return trip. You make it back with minimal challenge, remembering to step over the fallen knick-knacks before lying back down in bed.

SECOND CIRCLE - this + a hug from mom 🔛🔝

ROT WITHIN - Your legs stick out over the end of the twin-sized mattress. They have since you hit puberty. These changes are irreversible; I have already taken root, and no amount of grey-market hormones will assuage me.

ANANSI THE SPIDER - Can you shut up?

THE ANTONYMPH - yea girl please shut the fuck up. cringe culture iz dumb and dead but ur being hella cringe rn

FRIGHTENED COYOTE - but what if it's right?? it's not like we'll ever be short enough to pass!!

REGRESSIVE FANTASY - i wanna be ✌️ this many feet shorter

19 INCHES OF NIHILISM - Have you considered killing yourself about this?

YOU - i mean. yeah. of course i have

ANANSI THE SPIDER - HEY! You aren't allowed to kill yourself. You have so much to live for!

THE ANTONYMPH - yeag!!!!

ANANSI THE SPIDER - You've gotta ice out at least one cracker before/while you go out.

THE ANTONYMPH - no!!!!!!!!1

ANANSI THE SPIDER - Oh, and waste this gift of life we've been given?

ROT WITHIN - Visions of your own rotting corpse flash through your mind; the beauty of decomposition is the only kind that will ever truly be yours.

SECOND CIRCLE - mphfhff hot...

FRIGHTENED COYOTE - fuck im gonna throw up,

DOLLY FALLOVER [Heroic: Failure]: You can't hold it back. Bile fills your mouth, burning as it comes up, and again as you swallow it back down. It tastes like callaloo.

DAMAGED MORALE -1

ANANSI THE SPIDER - You'd better be grateful you get to taste that callaloo a second time.

19 INCHES OF NIHILISM - So… is that a “yes” I'm hearing?

- it's a yes

- it's a maybe

- it's a no

YOU - it's a maybe

ANANSI THE SPIDER - It's a “later”.

THE ANTONYMPH [Challenging: Success] - its a no!!! ok this high fuckin suckz letz put on some music

YOU - i don't know if i'm up for monarch of monsters again

THE ANTONYMPH - come onnnn we love monarch

YOU - we've listened to the whole album, like, 4 times this week already

THE ANTONYMPH - oh whatev if u aren't feeling it u'll be asleep in 5 mins anyway

REGRESSIVE FANTASY - 🖐️ this many?