Vera

I don’t know how to come

I dont have the words to utter

Thought tears would do

Cause i dont know any thing can

Dont want to be emotional

But i cant

All roads lead to that

I’ve got nowhere to go

My mind’s been torturing me

Every single night

These loud voices

Disturbing my sleep

Even in dreams they come

Nonstop

God, im scared

God, im so scared

I no longer know how to come back

Or what words i should have uttered now

Cause every single time, it’s the same

It’s like im going back and forth on the words i said i shouldn’t

Thats why i don’t know if i should come back

But ive got nowhere to go

So here i am

Again

With tears

Not trying to be emotional

But I don’t know anything

Any words that i can do

To make me, myself

Come back

I wanted to come back

I want to

Lord, i really want to

To be honest, I do not know what to feel anymore. I have been searching endlessly, yet I still find myself lost. falling into this deep emptiness, carrying a longing I cannot name.

It feels like I am craving something I do not even understand.

I have become so different from who I used to be. I remember smiling for no reason at all, simply because I was happy. I used to talk, laugh, and do things with a full heart. But now, many of those same things feel like duties, part of my work, something I do because I have to.

Lord, I miss the person I used to be.

I pray that tomorrow, this longing will feel a little lighter, and that this emptiness will not run so deep. Please help me find joy again, the kind that comes quietly, without reason, and fills the heart completely.

My heart and my soul are crying with no tears because I don’t know where to turn to. But I know it’s my fault for losing my way. You have come through again and again and again and again and again, trying to get through to me, piercing my heart until You reached me.

God, thank You for not giving up on me. Thank You that You have not allowed me to give up on myself. I admit that I am susceptible to feeling a lot, like, a lot, but thank You that despite that, You have not allowed me to be so far away from You.

God, I’m scared. I truly am. This world is so scary. I still remember what the guy at my first job told me the first time I worked out of the country: “You’re not ready for the world yet.” Then when would I be? Am I ready now? I’ve realised that we have never really been ready — we’ve just been good at carrying it.

That’s why, God, I’ve decided that whenever I go back to my words of working together with You, I pray that You may help me remember what I promised and what You have promised:

That You will always, always be with me.

I’m scared. My mind won’t slow down, and the thoughts just keep coming. I feel anxious, overwhelmed, and tired. There are so many what ifs, and they’re stealing my peace.

Lord, please calm my heart. Quiet my mind. Wrap me in Your love and remind me that I’m not alone. When I feel like I’m sinking, lift me up. When my hope feels weak, breathe life back into it.

Help me trust You the way Your people trusted You before. You saved them, and I believe You will save me too. I don’t have the strength for this on my own, God. I need You to carry me.

I want to change. I no longer want to feel guilty or ashamed every time I move or do something. Even when I know deep inside that I’ve done nothing wrong, my lack of love for myself causes me to take the blame and carry the accuser’s cross.

I want to be proud of who I am—not in a boastful way, but because I am empowered and equipped by Your presence. Lately, I’ve started to wonder, have I truly been traumatized? Have I become so afraid of people that I’m terrified to fail them or displease them? Have I turned into such a people-pleaser that I’ve forgotten my own worth?

I’ve spent so much time making others feel loved, special, and cared for, that somewhere along the way, I’ve lost myself.

So God, can I take a restart? A refresh? Make me new. Make me able—not in my own strength, but together with You. Help me not to seek the approval of people, but to seek Yours alone. I’m so tired of living this way.

Forgive me for being a coward, for not being able to say what I truly want, for being too afraid to stand on my own, for being too kind to the point of erasing myself. I’m so afraid of offending others that I end up lying, bending the truth just enough to keep the peace while still trying to follow my own intentions. And it’s suffocating.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to say no without guilt. Maybe one day I’ll trust myself enough to choose, to decide, to live without apologizing. But for now, I’m hiding in here, in this place, in this quiet space where no one expects anything from me.

To anyone who happens to read this: please scroll past. There’s nothing here but a tired heart trying to breathe.

Love,