#freedomwall

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🖇 ⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅ fw‚ rants‚ chika’s‚ feelings‚ unsaid thoughts‚ comfort words‚ random pictures, links, message, & lyrics 🎀༘

You're the reason why I lived my life. It was short but I lived it. For once in my whole entire life of surviving, I finally lived. I regret not marrying you before I went away.

You're worth everything, and I'm worthless. You were the Sun, I was the moon. We're completely opposites and yet we still match. Remember the time when we first saw eachother? It was 5 years ago. I vividly remember how the leaves were dancing and you were dancing to nothing at Marikina Heights. You looked beautiful and you still do. I remember that I was lost that time, speaking broken Tagalog because I just came to the Philippines and yet you were patient with me. 

Remember when you confessed to me? That was 4 years ago. I remember you were rambling about your crush and how I hurt because I thought it wasn't me. Then you slipped, you told me “She's you” I thought I was hearing things. I thought maybe you were joking. So I ran, I ran out of your house while crying. When I did eventually stopped, I saw you behind me. You're such an idiot for chasing me, you're such a stubborn idiot. You had a bike, you could've rode it but you wanted to chase me by foot because you remembered that I hate it when people do half assed things when doing something.

Remember when you met my parents? That was 3 years ago. You wore a red shirt with stars and pants that had red stars. You looked breathtaking, my parents thought that too. They praised you on how you did all the right things when meeting your partners parents. You gave them a fruit basket, it was full off tangerines and apples because mom and dad liked those. You tried talking to mom in mandarin because she didn't understand Tagalog well, I remember your broken mandarin trying to tell mom she was gorgeous. Long story short,  you became her favourite. 

Remember when you came running to my house just because I was scared of the dark? That was 2 years ago. You came knocking loudly and when I opened the door, I saw you. Your face looking worried and relieved at the same time. Then you kissed me, you told me how you were relieved that I was safe and I was there hugging you back shocked. Did it really take you that long to kiss me on the lips? You're so dumb. I hated you for that.

Remember when I needed to go back to China? That was a year ago. I remember crying everynight about it. I remember crying and begging to my parents to not let me part with you. I remember pushing you away and yet you were so stubborn to not leave. I remember making you a song while you were sleeping. I remember leaving you tons of letters I began writing ever since I saw you. I remember leaving you my journal from when I first saw you so you can read it. I remember going on dates everyday and in one particular date you bought me a journal so that I can write about my day and about you while I was in China. I remember kissing your lips in the airport like it was the death of me. I remember crying to your arms like no one was there. I remember loving you in the bathroom of the airport just because I wanted a little taste of you before I go.

I remember when you left. It was 8 months ago. Yet I still have hope that you're still alive and well. I remember going home to the Philippines because tita told me you passed. I remember writing an essay about the loss of you and submitting it to my professor because our topic was love. You were and still are the definition of love. I remember crying to tita and saying sorry that I left you. I remember reading our chats before you died. You were so stubborn and dumb you decided to die on my birthday, you decided to die on Christmas eve. 

You still are the love of my life. I'm sure I won't be seeing other people because you're the one I want. 

 I loved you ever since I saw you. I'll love you even more each day. I love you for an eternity, Jiminez. I love you so much. 

- M.Y.G.S

My heart and my soul are crying with no tears because I don’t know where to turn to. But I know it’s my fault for losing my way. You have come through again and again and again and again and again, trying to get through to me, piercing my heart until You reached me.

God, thank You for not giving up on me. Thank You that You have not allowed me to give up on myself. I admit that I am susceptible to feeling a lot, like, a lot, but thank You that despite that, You have not allowed me to be so far away from You.

God, I’m scared. I truly am. This world is so scary. I still remember what the guy at my first job told me the first time I worked out of the country: “You’re not ready for the world yet.” Then when would I be? Am I ready now? I’ve realised that we have never really been ready — we’ve just been good at carrying it.

That’s why, God, I’ve decided that whenever I go back to my words of working together with You, I pray that You may help me remember what I promised and what You have promised:

That You will always, always be with me.

Forgive me for being a coward, for not being able to say what I truly want, for being too afraid to stand on my own, for being too kind to the point of erasing myself. I’m so afraid of offending others that I end up lying, bending the truth just enough to keep the peace while still trying to follow my own intentions. And it’s suffocating.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to say no without guilt. Maybe one day I’ll trust myself enough to choose, to decide, to live without apologizing. But for now, I’m hiding in here, in this place, in this quiet space where no one expects anything from me.

To anyone who happens to read this: please scroll past. There’s nothing here but a tired heart trying to breathe.

Love,