The Magnificent Jessica.

i call to my children on christmas morning and they all snap their legs running down our ribcage stairs

the OSHA inspector takes one look at this and starts strangling the architect with his bare hands

I had a dream that unless the teacher told us class was over, we were forbidden from going out the door. Our teacher was very forgetful, and maybe even malicious. After being forced to stay past sunset many days, my class decided we were going to break out every night. Eventually our attempts led us to discovering rifts in space-time where we could warp. So we never used the door. Checkmate.

the window

what? you going to critique my dreams? my subconscious creations, that I did by accident, while asleep? the chemicals in my brain? are you going to use your foul eyes and dissect all of the plotholes in my dreams? you going to critique the weather? harass the clouds? make fun of thunder for being off key? remind me to come to your house and shred your shoes

feminine urge to Know Everything and speak 12 languages

obsessed with the woman at the dmv who replied with a firm “no” when asked if she wanted to be an organ donor but when the clerk asked “do you want junk mail? we sell your name and address to companies” she paused and gave a very thoughtful yet decisive “…yeah”

The fact that Twitter allows porn but not public death threats and tumblr allows public death threats but not porn is objectively funny and the fact that a large portion of us chose the latter over the former is objectively funnier

Hold on I gotta try something brb

👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿bad👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿👎🏿

*banging fists on table* WEIRD! SHIT! WEIRD! SHIT! WEIRD! SHIT!

My first college roommate’s name was Sarah but decided our freshman year that Sarah was too common of a name and decided that she was going to go by Phyllis instead. It’s not her middle name or anything, it’s just a name she liked the sound of. Our entire friend group called her that for years.

One of my local friends legally changed her name purely to represent her better. She’s cis.

I wish my aunt didn’t know this because she changed her name to Larceny. Like the crime.

Tell your aunt she has my full support. Would love to be her accomplice