I'm very easy to hate

I feel so fucking awful today. Flashbacks are so awful, I beat the shit outta myself and got called toxic during it but honestly I deserve it cuz it's just childhood assault flashbacks I shouldn't start screaming at people just cuz I'm having a breakdown and I can't see anything normally anymore.

I feel like to allow myself to heal and be okay and have nice things is to allow those who hurt me to do the same and I wish not for them to have anything at all especially joy so why would I wish that for myself when I am them and they are me.

I really can't fucking stand myself at all. I can't hear shit, my ears are so fucking awful, so I just get upset over fucking everything. I'm not dead, but my audio processing is so fucked words don't even sound like words and a lot of the time I can't even hear them at all. But at the same time I feel like everything is too fucking loud. I wish my body fucking worked.