Vesper

itoshi rin – treating every interviewer like they're interrupting his nap + inspired by this michael olise clip

nobody has ever seen someone care less about media obligations. 

he fulfills them because his contract says he has to. not because he wants to. 

every single clip begins exactly the same way – hood up, sunglasses on, headphones still around his neck, walking like the interviewer isn't even there. 

"rin! just a few words for spain after tonight's victory?" 

"we won." 

"what did you think about their performance?" 

"they lost." 

"any message for the fans?" 

"sleep." 

and he keeps walking. 

another reporter jogs beside him. "how do you feel after scoring the winning goal?" 

"fine." 

"anything else?" 

"no." 

"could you elaborate?" 

"no." 

the poor interviewer looks directly into the camera like he's being held hostage. 

the funniest part is that nobody can tell if rin is intentionally funny or if this is genuinely just how he lives. 

one reporter tries changing tactics by asking, "who inspired your football growing up?" 

"... me." 

"yourself?" 

"yeah." 

"but your older brother is sae itoshi." 

"and?" he keeps walking. 

another viral clip happens because someone desperately sticks a microphone in front of him. "rin! any thoughts before facing germany?" 

he slowly pulls one earbud out. "we're playing germany?" 

"yes." 

he puts the earbud back in and walks away. 

every media outlet eventually starts making bingo cards. ☐ says fewer than five words☐ ignores question entirely ☐ walks away mid-interview ☐ visibly annoyed ☐ sunglasses indoors 

they always get bingo. 

the fans love it because his complete lack of enthusiasm loops back around into comedy. 

people start editing meme audios over clips of him walking past 30 reporters asking questions while he doesn't acknowledge a single living soul. 

the captions always read: “bro has somewhere significantly less important to be.” “he's allergic to microphones.” “media training lost.” “aura farming isn't enough anymore, he's aura harvesting.” 

itoshi sae – football's most desired man... by other men

one day, he was just an insanely talented midfielder (he still is). the next day, every retired football legend, current superstar, celebrity, actor, musician, and suspicious number of grown men were publicly admitting that they thought he was attractive (this is still true). and i mean aggressively. 

post-match interviews become unbearable. 

"sae, incredible performance tonight." 

"thanks." 

"also respectfully, you're very handsome." 

"uh, okay." 

"my wife actually told me to say that." 

"good for her." 

"i'm lying, by the way." 

"i figured." 

another former football legend gets invited onto a sports talk show. 

"who would you most like to play alongside?" 

"sae." 

"why?" 

"... next question." 

twitter immediately responds: brother that's not why 😭😭😭 

every awards ceremony includes one grown man looking at sae like he wants to crack him. 

photographers catch the most insane screenshots imaginable. haaland staring. mbappé staring. random premier league defenders staring. some 70 year old retired manager smiling at him like he's about to ask for his number. 

sae notices approximately none of it. like "why are they looking at me? seriously. did i spill something?" 

every compilation video is titled something ridiculous: men forgetting they're on live television because sae walked by. straightest football interview. footballers trying not to admire sae challenge (impossible). 

then somebody asks him about it during an interview. 

"there's a running joke online that more men flirt with you than women." 

"oh, is there?" 

"you haven't noticed?" 

"no." 

"ronaldo called you beautiful." 

"he was being polite." 

"he winked at you." 

"oh." 

"mbappé called you gorgeous." 

"that's nice." 

"haaland reposted an edit of you." 

"... why?" 

the internet loses it because the only person unaware of his fan club is sae himself. 

nagi seishiro – terrifyingly gifted at literally every game that has ever existed

football stopped being enough. 

one random saturday, someone challenged him to a fighting game. he won. 

someone else challenged him to bowling. he won. 

dance dance revolution. he won. 

air hockey. he won. 

claw machine. he won first try. 

shooting gallery. perfect score. 

the issue isn't that he's competitive. it's that he isn't. like he genuinely could not care less. 

"nagi, have you ever played this before?" 

"no." 

30 seconds later, he's holding first place on the leaderboard and mumbling "that's kinda annoying." 

reo develops a stress twitch because he keeps introducing nagi to activities hoping he'll finally find something he's isn't naturally cracked at. 

"okay, there's absolutely no way you can beat this." 

"hm?" 

"professional drumming simulator." 

"okay." 

15 minutes later, he’s SSS RANK. 

"what." 

"wasn't hard." 

"IT'S LITERALLY CALLED EXTREME NIGHTMARE." 

they visit an arcade. nagi casually wanders over to dance dance revolution. 

"this looks tiring." 

"then don't play." 

"okay." 

and he still gets a full combo. 

another clip goes viral because someone challenges him to laser tag. 

"i've been national champion 3 years in a row." 

"cool." 

10 minutes later, nagi has eliminated everyone. 

"have you… done military training?" 

"no. i play games." 

"THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING." 

eventually people stop asking whether nagi can do something. instead, they ask how long it'll take him to become unfairly good at it. 

"chess?" 

"probably 20 minutes." 

"curling?" 

"half an hour." 

"competitive knitting?" 

“give him lunch first." 

and nagi never celebrates. he’ll just be like "did i win?" 

"... yes. you did…" 

"oh." then he goes back to scrolling on his phone. 

mikage reo – football's biggest fanboy trapped inside the body of a world-class football superstar

people expect one of the richest and most successful footballers on the planet to act cool around other legends. they couldn’t be more wrong. reo turns into an excited 12 year old every single time. 

"reo, you'll be sitting next to cristiano ronaldo tonight." 

"..." 

"reo?" 

"... don't joke like that." 

"i'm serious." 

"... i have to go to the bathroom." 

he has played against some of the greatest footballers in history. he still gets starstruck. 

every charity match is just reo accidentally forgetting he's supposed to be their equal. 

"mbappé said hi to me. he knows my name. HE KNOWS MY NAME." 

"YOU HAVE ALMOST AS MANY TROPHIES AS HIM." 

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT." 

someone catches him asking messi for a picture. 

"of course." 

"thank you so much." 

"by the way, reo." 

"yeah?" 

"you're literally in the ballon d'or top 3." 

"i know, but that's MESSI." 

don't even get him started on ronaldo. the first time they officially meet, reo spends the entire interaction trying to act normal. 

"it's an honor." 

"thank you." 

"i grew up watching you." 

"i appreciate that." 

"sorry, can we actually take one more picture my mom won't believe me." 

after ronaldo leaves, reo immediately opens the family group chat. 

I MET HIM. LOOK. HE TALKED TO ME. 

his butler responds with approximately 40 celebratory emojis. 

whenever a reporter asks him about football history, tactics, or legendary matches, his eyes light up like someone just activated factory settings. 

"don't even get me started. actually... please do." 

then he's standing in front of the tactics board for 25 uninterrupted minutes explaining why messi's positioning here was genius, why ronaldo's movement there changed the sport forever, why haaland's off-ball runs are terrifying, why mbappé's acceleration makes defenders question their career choices, and somehow tying all of it back to one obscure champions league match from years ago that everyone else forgot existed. 

"reo..." 

"yeah?" 

"we asked what your favorite goal celebration was." 

"oh..." 

football twitter absolutely adores him because underneath the designer suits, private jets, and billionaire aura is just a gigantic football nerd who still gets butterflies meeting the people whose posters used to hang on his bedroom wall, and that's one of the most endearing things about him. 

bachira meguru – genuinely does not understand the concept of personal space and refuses to learn

there are exactly two distances in bachira's mind – touching you and not touching you yet. 

teammates. opponents. referees. reporters. cameramen. security guards. random mascots. nobody is safe. 

post-match interviews are basically a horror game because the interviewer will start speaking to the camera and then, without warning, bachira's head slowly appears over their shoulder like he spawned there. 

"bachira, congratulations on the wi–" 

"hi." 

"hi…” 

"what're we talking about?" 

"the… the match." 

"cool!” he proceeds to NOT leave. instead, he decides they’re sharing the microphone. 

whenever someone interviews another player, bachira just wanders into frame. 

interviewing isagi? bachira's leaning on his shoulder. 

interviewing rin? bachira has wrapped an arm around him despite rin actively trying to walk away. 

interviewing barou? 

"bachira." 

"yeah?" 

"get. off." 

"why?" 

"because you're breathing my air." 

"sharing is caring, king." 

every celebration photo looks the exact same because bachira is hanging off someone like an excited golden retriever. 

piggybacking isagi. leaning against chigiri. hugging reo. resting his head on nagi's arm while nagi doesn't even react anymore. 

one time, the referee was explaining a VAR decision. somehow... bachira ended up next to him. 

"why are you here?" 

"just listening." 

"you're not involved." 

"i know. carry on." 

another viral clip happens because a defender tries intimidating him before kickoff. they're nose-to-nose, glaring, tension everywhere. 

bachira smiles. "your eyelashes are really pretty." 

"huh?" 

"can i touch them?" 

the defender physically reboots like wtf? 

commentators have literally started saying, "bachira appears to have adopted another footballer." 

nobody knows how. nobody knows why. they just accept it. 

the funniest part is that bachira truly thinks everyone else is weird. 

"why do people keep backing away when i talk to them?" 

"because you're 10 centimeters away from their face." 

"ah." 

5 minutes later, he's doing it again. 

shidou ryusei – committing accidental assault every single match

there has never been a footballer whose limbs possess less situational awareness. 

shidou isn't dirty. he's, well… moving. violently. and unpredictably… with enough enthusiasm to become everyone's problem. 

every single match includes at least one replay that begins with, "let's take another look here..." and ends with someone getting kicked in the forehead. 

"I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HIM." 

"YOU JUMPED." 

"SO DID HE." 

"WITH HIS FACE." 

overhead kick? someone's ducking. 

bicycle kick? another casualty. 

volley? pray. 

the commentators have stopped sounding surprised. 

"and shidou has accidentally kicked another player… that's the fourth one today." 

"remarkably, all unintentional." 

one poor defender gets clipped during an acrobatic finish. 

shidou immediately runs over. "YO, YOU GOOD?" 

"..." 

"HELLO???!!!” 

"i can't feel my eyebrows." 

"that's probably temporary.” 

the medic even starts laughing. 

another time, he scores an absolute screamer and celebrates. he turns around too quickly. elbows his own teammate. 

"BRO." 

"MY BAD." 

"YOU BROKE MY NOSE." 

"BUT YOU LOOK COOLER NOW." 

every referee knows him by name. 

"ryusei shidou." 

"yeah?" 

"please." 

"i didn't mean it." 

"i know." 

"he walked into my foot." 

"your foot was over two meters in the air." 

"exactly." 

the internet edits together every accidental collision he's ever caused into one 20 minute compilation titled: shidou ryusei vs the human face. 

but the good part? every victim ends up laughing afterward because he's so aggressively apologetic. 

"SERIOUSLY, MAN, I'LL BUY YOU DINNER." 

"YOU GAVE ME A CONCUSSION." 

"AND DESSERT!!” 

karasu tabito – football's undefeated king of sarcasm

karasu could answer every interview normally. he simply chooses not to. to him, life is more entertaining this way. 

reporters walk into interviews thinking they're asking questions. they leave feeling like they got roasted for free. 

"karasu, were you surprised by today's result?" 

"nuh." 

"you expected to win?" 

"i expected 22 people to chase a ball." 

"... i guess that's one way to put it." 

another reporter asks, "how did you manage to stay so composed under pressure?" 

"years of dealin’ with stupid questions." 

"excuse me?" 

"what? ya asked." 

he says everything with the most casual smile imaginable, making it impossible to tell whether he's joking. 

during one match, an opposing player starts trash talking. 

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD." 

karasu looks at the scoreboard. looks back. and goes "damn." 

"?" 

"must've imagined the score then." he walks away, leaving the guy gagged. 

another time, someone dramatically falls over trying to draw a foul. 

karasu doesn't even look concerned. he crouches beside them. tilts his head. 

"need an ambulance? or an acting agent?" 

yellow card. worth it. 

the commentators secretly adore him. 

"karasu appears to be exchanging words..." 

"oh! we unfortunately cannot repeat that on television." 

post-match interviews are basically stand-up comedy. 

"any message for your critics?" 

"yeah." 

"go ahead." 

"watch the game next time." 

clips of him answering questions with the driest sarcasm imaginable become football twitter's favorite reaction videos. 

he's accidentally created an entire genre of memes. 

kaiser michael – football's biggest hater that’s also always aware of every camera angle

kaiser has never complimented another footballer without sounding like it physically hurt him. 

"thoughts on today's opponent?" 

"i dunno, they existed." 

"they're one of the best teams in europe." 

“mmm. debatable." 

"their striker scored twice." 

"he was lucky." 

"your teammate had an incredible performance." 

"it was acceptable." 

"could you say something nice?" 

"... his cleats matched, i guess." 

that's the nicest thing anyone gets all season. 

people start making compilations titled: kaiser attempting to compliment people (failed). 

someone asks him about isagi, which you should NEVER do btw. 

"he played like shit." 

"oh?" 

"that's all." 

"no praise?" 

"nein." 

another interviewer tries. "what makes rin so dangerous?" 

"mein gott, he's so damn annoying." 

"because?" 

"he keeps scoring." 

"so... he's good?" 

"i didn't say that." 

"you literally implied it." 

"that was your interpretation." 

meanwhile, his second superpower is genuinely terrifying – he always knows where the camera is. 

nobody understands it. hidden cameras, fan cameras, drones, broadcast cameras, someone's iphone in row 37. he finds them. every. single. time. 

teammates start testing him. 

"there's no camera over there." 

kaiser casually turns 90 degrees and smiles. somewhere in the stadium, a fan screams because he looked directly into their phone lens. 

after scoring, he'll celebrate facing the exact camera that gets the cleanest slow-motion shot. 

photographers swear he's psychic. 

"how did he know?" 

"he blinked at lens 3." 

"WE HADN'T EVEN SWITCHED TO LENS 3 YET." 

the memes write themselves. 

ness alexis – professional yapper, full-time "erm actually 🤓☝️" employee

ness cannot answer a question in under 3 minutes. he just can't. 

ask him what he had for breakfast. congratulations. you're getting the agricultural history of wheat. 

"ness, how did training go today?" 

"well, that's actually a very interesting question because if we're talking specifically about today's session, we first have to establish what constitutes productive training, and statistically speaking–" 

"ness." 

"yeah?" 

"one sentence please." 

"... it was good." 

everyone applauds. 

another reporter asks something simple: "how's the weather?" 

"erm, actually, according to the meteorological forecast, humidity is technically a larger contributing factor than temperature itself–" 

"..." 

"it's sunny." 

teammates have started baiting him on purpose. 

"ness." 

"yeah?" 

"did you know sharks are mammals?" 

"ERM ACTUALLY–” 

they all walk away before he's finished. he's still explaining. 

during halftime someone jokingly says, "gravity feels stronger today." 

"well, technically speaking–” 

"GUYS RUN. HE'S STARTING." they scatter. 

one of his most viral clips happens because a child asks for an autograph. 

"you're my favorite player!" 

"thank you! did you know the word autograph actually comes from the greek roots autos and graphein, meaning 'self' and 'to write,' which is fascinating because–” 

the kid is staring respectfully. "oh… that’s cool." 

"sorry." he signs the shirt. 

another fan comments, i asked him what time it was and somehow learned the history of clocks. 

despite all the yapping, nobody dislikes him because he's so genuinely excited about everything he talks about that it's weirdly endearing. 

he'll interrupt himself to say, "oh! sorry, i'm talking too much again, aren't i?" 

"yes.” 

“... anyway, as i was saying–" 

he's off again for another 5 minutes.