Lain

I still remember when you was by my side every winter night in my feet refugee in the warm of out sheets and you passed the summers sheltered between rocks.

Now you sleep above me, waiting for a place where I get you peace, waiting for something that never will come.

I recognize that I want to see you and let dry my tears because wishes not come true but I remember you while thinking that you don't be here nevermore. They say me that I let you go but I couldn't nevertheless I left my self in a side of this long path in all the moments that I realize the way I feel all the days when I was afraid of my thoughts.

Maybe I never allow myself to be okay and pass the time like I've done always before meditate of all this.

What is it all for? What will the time when finish this entretaiment appetizer?

Time I feel it in the air, it becomes heavy and remains still. The atmosphere turns dark and confuse with ideas that last a long time. What the moment will they leave?

If there are no doors or windows that can be open, my body will suffer the consequences. Constant and simple I think like the days pass through the window and the sunsets in the same place; I start to see the clouds moving faster, my heart beats euphoric with false expectations.

My skin would stop bristling with dreams and it would feel more real, I want to finish this chapter quickly and start jumping to the next.

There is a time and a space in which I do not want to be but if I am not near I stop feeling myself. There are feelings and words that show that maybe I'll keep paying for some sin I didn't commit

I'm still locked up, circling and I just want to fly. The leaves dance with the wind and I want to merge with them, the sun warms the treetops and I would like to lie on top.

I am overwhelmed by this situation, I stop thinking and I am speechless.

It begins, a point where I want to abandon myself, little by little, losing myself in the hours and stopping thinking. I miss nature, feeling oneself to save and be out of this world. I feel that I must be there to experience it until the end.

It is not so easy to deny your soul but it is a way of accepting the situation and knowing that there is no other way out. I am sorry for my heart that will begin to suffer.

How much self love is left? I am aware of a division within me and I cannot find the place to be.

By chance I looked out the window and saw the stars. An inexplicable feeling of emptiness filled my chest and I wanted to cry; for some reason I didn't.

I thought about throwing myself on the grass and gazing up at the sky, the cold, lonely sky. There's not much difference in how my heart feels sometimes: I wanted to scream in the darkness where my voice would echo.

Those streetlights are not lit today, nor did I see that the stars shone brightly. It was a heartbreaking cold to such a temperate soul.

I see myself in a spiral of feelings and memories that have already passed but still hurt the same. I would like to escape the routine of empty thoughts and feelings. I'm going to merge with them and flow into nothingness.

Like nothing there is a temptation to exist. What will happen next? It has me contemplating the hours and the days. Maybe I do not learn nor will I learn to get out of this loop.

I don't believe in luck or chance; there will be no good decisions as long as I exist.

I see my face in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. Perhaps time passes and I stopped perceiving, feeling me; I don't give myself the privilege. I see that reflection, I think about what I am becoming, I cry and I want to escape because I do not feel reality.

I see other faces that are strange, do not express emotions and it terrifies me. Will I ever be the same? I see familiar faces and there is only one that I cannot stop looking at, it is yours that makes me feel that there is a way to go.

I don't want to stop looking at you, I want to stop looking at me. I wish my reflection did not reflect the innermost part of my being.

Days are expressed as hurtful thoughts. The days hurt; the hours dig into my skin. Maybe the dream exists so as not to feel the passing of time? Maybe if I try to have another moment? It all translates to maybe.

I've been thinking for a while that everything will pass, there will be something better but perhaps that has already happened and I was late. Always because of my slowness I'm late to live.

It could stop being so cruel, time, go by fast or just stop and allow myself to stop thinking.

I want to keep it simple,

my thoughts are complicated;

my emotions are mixed: sadness for what I will not have, anguish for tomorrow, happiness for having you, loneliness for not being able to accompany you, anxiety that I do not know where it comes from;

regrets and guilt for what I could have done and did not do, impotence because I cannot change, anger that I will never show, disappointment and

broken dreams.

Day to day fighting against myself.