give it up, turn it loose

i dont know how to start this im really sleepy im going to die maybe not today or tomorrow but i wont pretend im going to be here for much longer life has been hard ive been broken down, built back up, broken down again twice as badly, rinse repeat ive tried everything to possibly make things better, even a little, but as my life has always been, things continue to get worse "im at the bottom, so theres nowhere to go but up" you say, then the bottom crumbles into a pit under you before you can even process it. it happens so much you stop being surprised and start laughing really so many people have left me completely broken. i cant even say broken because something broken can be fixed. i wouldnt care if it was someone i wasnt very close to. i wouldnt care if it was at a time i was emotionally stable. well, i would care, i would still be broken, but i would be able to recover. but it wasnt like that every single time it had to be someone i went out of my way to care for, someone i trusted with all my heart, someone i would never suspect of doing me wrong. and it always just happened to be when i was at my most vulnerable. when i already wanted to kill myself because of other happenings, so whats a little (a lot) more stress gonna do right its not like they can just hurt me and leave it at that. it has to be a blow to my deepest issues and insecurities, just so it can make a nice, huge scar theres a lot of people who can be named here to every single one of you, my blood is on your hands my blood is stained onto your hands i dont forgive you i tried to but you are most certainly responsible for whatever happens to me to the rest of you, thank you for knowing me