Welcome to the Lair in the Hat

Hamlet as a D&D paladin.

BONUS: Doofenshmirtz around children he literally just met who wrecked his ‘inator’.

Literally I could go on and on with examples but my computer’s starting to crash from the amount of images.

Context is; My party consists of my character, the 6'6 paladin with a giant sword, The dmpc rogue, the dwarf barbarian, the knight-enchantress half elf, the human monk, and the Ranger (basically a tabaxi). We were hired by the owner of the largest general store chain on the west coast, to burn his competitor’s last and largest warehouse. We did it! No escape plan in the middle of the Cliffside metropolis, Waterdeep.

So naturally, everybody scattered with the understanding of rendezvous.

Everyone got away clean-ish. Here are the best of the escape methods:

Knight-Enchanter flew between alleys, but was almost caught but guards en route. Landed on a thatch roof, fell through, grabbed a bottle of liquor from the house she invaded, dumped it over herself, grabbed her own coinpurse, and “drunkenly” claimed she stole it.

Dwarf jumped into the harbour, immediately sinking to the bottom. She had waterbreathing, and got away clean.

I however, knew I wasn’t stealthy enough to pass the alleys, or quick enough to avoid the guards, so I walked down the main road. Of course I was stopped. By the captain of the guard (GC) no less. I’m a giant of a man, with an even bigger sword on my back.

GC: Hold up, where are you going?

Me: Back to my tavern.

GC: Which tavern is that?

Me: The Boar’s Gut.

Now, on some other business in town we saved a rich man, and he bought us all a week in the most expensive tavern in Waterdeep. 1000g a night, for 7 people.

The GC calling my bluff, as I and the rest of my party look like greenhorn adventurers as part of the disguise: That’s a load of bull.

(Dm rolls for insight. But! I don’t have to roll bluff or deception, because I’m not lying! That’s our rendezvous point!)

Me: You can escort me there if you would like.

His guards start exchanging money as they take up bets on whether I’m lying.

So our party arrives at a highly religious city, and our new party cleric (who’s a bit racist to all non-elves) decides he doesn’t trust my character (secretly a yuan-ti sorceror) and vouches for the entire party to enter the city except me. Neutral evil shenanigans occur as I begin to sulk.

Dm: Okay, the rest of the party is inside the city, Quetzalana what do you do?

Me: I guess I’ll just stand in this 3 hour fucking queue and fill out paperwork or some shit.

Dm: Oh. Okay then. You sure you don’t wanna try and get in some other way.

Me: Nope. Gonna enjoy my god damn papers.

Dm continues with the rest of the party for a while. Eventually comes back to me.

Dm: Okay so a shady character sidles up to you in the line noticing you seem impatient. He strikes up a conversation about this damn line and bureaucratic nonsense.

Me: Yeah well… not like there’s another way in *pointed look*

Dm: I might know a way to speed it up. See that guy up ahead? *gestures at snooty priest in extravagant robes* If you distract him I can steal his papers and get us in.

Me: …Yeah why not. *walks up to the priest and starts flirting successfully.* (To Dm) okay so have I seen this guy come up to pick his pocket yet?

Dm: Yeah he’s sticking his hand in now.

Me: Great, I scream out very loudly “OH MY GOD THIEF! GUARDS QUICKLY STOP HIM!”

Dm: ….Okay. so the guards lead the thief away who is screaming abuse at you. The priest thanks you for your service and personally escorts you into the city.

Character Ideas:

Character creation masterpost

Character Alignment Chart

More character alignment descriptions

Muslim Character questions

Characters with magical powers

Building a new character advice

How to create a character for an online or tabletop RPG (also a good guide on creating characters in general)

Royalty/nobility TV Tropes page

Basic character profile

OC masterpost

Random character generators - (1), (2), (3), (4)

D&D Character Building Tool

Character Design Ideas:

How clothing affects a character’s personality

Character Design Inspiration blog

Concept art, fan art, cool art to be inspired by

Character design references and inspiration

Sources for POC character design ideas and models

Create your own character model using HeroForge

For horned characters

Body and hair types guide

Random outfit generator

Naming Help:

Amazing site with an endless amount of naming resources

General advice on avoiding naming appropriation

Hispanic Surnames

Gothic Victorian names

Huge master list for character things in general

Masterlist of names of all types - including but not limited to ancient/old world names, Celtic, African, Northern European, Southern and Central American Native names, Japanese, Chinese, Mongolian, Polynesian, and more

Another name masterlist

How to pick a character name guide

Yet another names masterlist

Creating Background/backstory:

Character Sheet/Development Sheet

Another character development list

In-depth character personality, motivations and traits sheet

320 talents and passions for characters

On writing likes and dislikes that aren’t frivolous

Why you should write non-human characters non-conforming to the gender binary

Stereotypes, tropes, and archetypes

Random backstory generator

Assassin and thief character tropes to avoid

Character Interactions and putting your character into your world/story:

Comparing character height/height references

Characters who are scientists and writing about them doing science

Describing what different voices sound like

Describing skin tones

Writing friendship interactions that are platonic

Why having one character knock their friend unconscious to prevent them from doing something is a bad idea

Advice on shipping OCs with canon characters and what to avoid doing

Sweet Polly Oliver and Sweet on Polly Oliver situations (think of Disney’s Mulan for an example)

How to write multiple viewpoints/juggling a main cast of more than 4 to 6 characters

How to make readers care about your morally gray hero/anti-hero

On platonic OC and canon character relationships

How to avoid Godmodding in RPs

When it’s cheap to kill off a character

Writing dialogue

Things you shouldn’t do to canon characters

Avoiding purple prose in writing and RPs

Slang resources

Dialogue tips

Websites to chart your story/plot/character relationships

“I am not here to kill you! I’m here for bread!”

“Listen up! I hate all of y'all! That’s it. That’s my announcement.”

“Sometimes you just gotta dance.”

“If there was ever a time to start running, now would be it.”

“Incase you haven’t heard, there is a bounty on your head.”

“Maybe it’s a pun? Ever thought about that?”

“Now, how could I forget you?”

“Have you ever seen a raging Pomeranian? Yeah. Thought so.”

“Do you think werewolves like ice cream?”

“If I did die, I only have one regret, and it’s not flipping you off more when I had the chance.”

“You’re a good friend, I hope you know that.”

“No offense, but didn’t you just say we weren’t gonna be violent?”

“Did you bring the blood bags?”

“Well, let me see here, the only thing I could diagnose you with is idiocy.”

“I just want to fall in love.”

“Cake? In this dire time? Yeah, sure, why not? We all die anyway.”

“Floor it!”

“Well aren’t you special?”

“From here on out, you shall call me -.”

“I never wanted to die, but to be immortal, that sounds awful too. Paying taxes? Forever? Nah.”

“Living with 7 dogs really opens your eyes to a lot of things.”

“For the most part, I am, in fact, an idiot. But I fully admit to it, which should count for something.”

“Did you actually buy that shirt?”

“Where did you find a potato? Where? Look where we are! There shouldn’t be a potato here!”