Avise La Fin

I’ll start by saying I fully understand not wanting to have sex, or that things do come up. Life gets in the way, mental health isn’t great, you’re ill, have to be up early, just don’t feel like it. That’s 100% fine and I’m not up for it 100% of the time either.

I have a tendency to feel like the world is against me or take things personally anyway, regardless of the situation, and usually I understand that it’s not, and it’s just my mental health.

However this is my second serious relationship and second sexual partner, and it’s hard to feel like the world isn’t against me sometimes when it comes to sex.

I swear something always comes up, whether it’s illness, period, just too tired, too late, we have to be up early, or earlier on in the day we’ve made plans to have sex later, or it’s been suggested, and yet it comes to later on and someone’s feeling ill.

It’s like I get over one hurdle and then another one appears. It’s actually starting to feel like someone is preventing me from having sex.

I’m not saying that sex must be number 1 priority, and I get that it can’t be, I really do. But when shit starts off great and is the best sex you’ve had and you’re always horny, and always want them, or they’ll even turn you on and then fuck all happens beyond that despite you anticipating it, it gets damn frustrating.

I don’t feel like I can speak about it because I know where it will lead. “I can’t help it, I’ve not been well, we’ve been so busy, mental health, I’m tired.” All valid reasons.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I am in a better mood when I’ve had an O, or that I would love to let someone else take the lead, take control, and not have to think for myself. I just want to be cared for and feel loved and wanted, really, at the end of the day I guess that’s what it comes down to. But there is always another obstacle and it never fucking happens, and I’m convinced the world is working against me and I’m just not meant to have good sex, and so far, that seems to be around the 9 month - 1 year mark, and it suddenly stops.

Twice. Two relationships one after the other it’s happened with. I adore my boyfriend, he’s my absolute soulmate, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But sex would also be really nice. I can do it by myself, but I feel so guilty, and I feel like it’ll affect his mental health even more if I do, he’ll think I don’t want him, which is far from the truth. But idk where else to go.

Not having that release really affects my mental health too. Which I hate that just having an O makes that much of a difference, but it does.

Ughhhhhhhhh

if you’re staring down that looming heat wave and you don’t have ac, or your ac can’t keep up:

put your feet in a tub of water.

just regular tapwater. if you don’t have a bucket or washtub you can use, run a few inches in the bathtub and pull up a chair to the side of it.

this got me through a summer in a sunbaked attic apartment with no AC, in minneapolis, where highs in the 90s are pretty much guaranteed for at least a couple weeks every summer. it was at LEAST 110 in that apartment every day of that hot stretch. i cannot overstate how much soaking your feet helps.