Premed Journey

Wow what a trip. I’ll be retreating again in 2 weeks. I feel like it been years since I’ve slept an I’m so tired but at least I don’t feel like dropping out like before. I’m glad I didn’t quit or give up… I just wish I had more time to improve more. But there is no way I’ll be able to study for this exam and classes and research and finding a DO to shadow so I can get a letter of recommendation all at once. This exam is a beast it taken so much from me… I know I’ve gotten better before when I took it the first time it was more of I hope I can break 500 and maybe I can if I’m lucky but this time at least it’s I’m squarely at 503 not an impressive score but it’s solid. I’ll hit hard these next two weeks and we’ll see how much father I can push it for the real deal. With a low 500 score I can still hope for DO… it just suck cause that means I need to start looking for shadowing positions to get that letter of rec cause DO schools require it

Being premed is hard. Doing this alone is even harder. I never found community with the other premeds here. The ones at community college were better but we’ve lost touch. Most premeds here are insufferable they are so immature and so self important… maybe in the insufferable one but I just can’t vibe with them. And it’s lonely… I’ve seen so many people dropout of the premed race, I keep saying I won’t be one of them… I keep fighting for this, it would be nice to not have to fight alone for a while

I’m somewhere between dropping out entirely and changing career paths. I still feel like hot garbage post mcat. I know didn’t do well on either of my midterms this weeks. The quarter system has felt like to much for me since I transferred and I thought I’d get used to it but I haven’t I just hate it more. I don’t learn like this it’s too fast and you need to just quickly memorize things and I can’t do that I lack the capacity I think I had it when I was younger but I just don’t anymore if I fact I ever did. I’m so tired and tired of being tried and tried of feeling like all this effort is for nothing cause I have a 3.6 since starting here. And like I objectively not a bad gpa but just not enough for med school. My dad thinks I’m being defeatist and that I should apply anyway. But the application cycle is on top of us and I just don’t feel ready to apply I don’t think it’s enough I don’t think I’m enough. I’m just now learning about all these things I didn’t know I needed and just don’t know if it’s worth it to apply. The premed councilors here on campus don’t seem to know what to tell me, when I talk to them treat me like I am a traditional student like mid conversation they forget that I’m not and that just makes me loose faith in there ability to actually help me for me they loose credibility. Anyway I don’t know what to do and I feel so lost

Also I haven’t been able to get anyone read my personal statement like everyone that I know who I thought might be open to it has turned me down told me just don’t feel comfortable and that I should ask someone else. And it’s gotten to the point that I wrote that in January and no one has read it but me so I guess I have to find someone to read it like a paid service?

Taking the MCAT this Friday and I feel so unprepared. The exam is truly a beast! I see why the biggest weeder part of the process. I feel my brain has turned to mush, I want to cry all the time! The frustration of the fact that I had no one to guide me to help with where to start studying is killing me. If I had known to start sooner I would have if I had where and how to start I could have done that you know? I should’ve realized a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be ready and pushed back when I had the chance. Any way now I have to take it this week and more worried about not being able to have enough fight to take the test again if it come out bad… does that mean I’m not cut out for this?

Ever since transferring to a four year, I have had this feeling of not being good enough, or of feeling behind. Everyone here is so smart (way smarter than me), and they seem to just get it, and I have to struggle through all my classes. I guess it’s hard not to compare to when I was their age and I could hear things once or see things once and retain most of the information, but my brain just doesn’t work like that now that I’m older. and I know it’s silly and it’s even sillier to be thinking of all of that right now. but it just kind of feels like the stress of everything has built up and it’s all really started to weigh on me.