#mentalhelath

Taking the MCAT this Friday and I feel so unprepared. The exam is truly a beast! I see why the biggest weeder part of the process. I feel my brain has turned to mush, I want to cry all the time! The frustration of the fact that I had no one to guide me to help with where to start studying is killing me. If I had known to start sooner I would have if I had where and how to start I could have done that you know? I should’ve realized a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be ready and pushed back when I had the chance. Any way now I have to take it this week and more worried about not being able to have enough fight to take the test again if it come out bad… does that mean I’m not cut out for this?

Ever since transferring to a four year, I have had this feeling of not being good enough, or of feeling behind. Everyone here is so smart (way smarter than me), and they seem to just get it, and I have to struggle through all my classes. I guess it’s hard not to compare to when I was their age and I could hear things once or see things once and retain most of the information, but my brain just doesn’t work like that now that I’m older. and I know it’s silly and it’s even sillier to be thinking of all of that right now. but it just kind of feels like the stress of everything has built up and it’s all really started to weigh on me.

The news of returning to the office has finally arrived.

And to say I'm disappointed would be an understatement.

There's been a lot of changes over the last year, and I've actually quite enjoyed some of them.

I always knew this day would come. But I guess I'd just hoped there would of been some more options available to us.

And my biggest worry is how relaxed everyone seems to be.

It's not gone away and winter is coming (yes I quoted game of thrones). Yes no temperatures are being read and lateral flow tests aren't mandatory. Ok the 'goverment guidance' says it's safe to return to work, but no offence - I have no trust for their decisions, they couldn't organise a loss up in a brewery. And after all the other bad decisions they've made over the year and half I feel like this could be another. Would you jump off a cliff, no parachute or anything just because the government told you too? Because that's how I feel about how trustworthy their advice is at the moment.

Plus, people attend work when ill all the time - hell I used to, (but won't be from now on!) And one of the issues with covid is that you can have and not know.

I'm so scared I'll pick something up and pass it on to a family member it unreal.

I've raised my concerns with my manager, but unfortunately, there's not much I can do about it though.

So in typical 'me' fashion I've started making a list of the positive things about returning to head office and keep finding distractions so I don't over think it and have a panic attack 🤣🤦‍♀️

This week 10th-16th May, is National Mental Health Week, and this last year and a half with the pandemic it has definitely taught us not to take small things for granted, shown us what truly matters in life and reminded us all to just take it slow, have some you time and ask for help if you need. I also feel like there's been so much help, advice and support around to help people cope throughout too, which is fantastic. And it's been so great to know/see that we’re/ I'm not alone with all these weird and stressful un explainable feelings and that they're normal, and we're all feeling them together.

But there’s still more we need to do...

On the Mind website it states that: 

1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year in England [1].

1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (like anxiety and depression) in any given week in England [2].

Specific diagnoses, in any given week in England [2]:

Mixed anxiety and depression: 8 in 100 people

Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD): 6 in 100 people

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): 4 in 100 people

Depression: 3 in 100 people

Phobias: 2 in 100 people

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): 1 in 100 people

Panic disorder: fewer than 1 in 100 people.

Understandably, it's lot easier for some more than others to reach out, get help and connect the dots to why and how they're feeling a certain way. Which is why mental health support is and always will be so very important. And – more important than ever – that the stigma behind it is removed - people need to be able to reach out without fear of being judged, or looked down upon. 

A few years ago now I broke down during a presentation at work - I had a full on melt down - uncontrollable breathing, IBS, cold sweats, a temperature, ‘messy’ crying - the works! and it was impossible to hide it from my work colleagues. Luckily, for me, the presentation was about how to be ‘calm, cool and collected’ when presenting - ironic - so the lecturer stepped in and calmed me down, and we had a great talk about what it was that I was struggling with, and that was the first time my anxieties had become  ‘public’ knowledge within the work place. 

My work colleagues were ever so supportive, and looking back now, I don’t really think anything ‘changed’ from professional aspect on their end. For me however - it changed everything. That training literally changed my life. It gave me more confidence, I felt like I understood myself better and I wasn’t ‘hiding’ behind this fake persona - I was free. 

Events over this last year however, has had a detrimental effect on my anxiety issues, to the point where it started to effect my work, and my job responsibilities so I had to speak up to my manager. I’m not going to lie - this was difficult, as it stems from a very personal place. But a lot of work places have a ‘mental health work scheme’ meaning that once they’re aware of any issues they have to take them seriously, show compassion and offer you support and understanding where possible. They can't just fire you on the spot!

Yes, I have, however heard of a few occasions (across various workforces not singling out mine) where once the company knows about any stress/anxiety issues they may try to ‘wrap you up in cotton wool’ so to speak - and treat you differently - either consciously or sub consciously. And dependant on your role, this could hold you back and lead to missed opportunities - which is why I believe a lot of people suffer in silence. 

This is what needs to change, the stigma behind mental health, and how people re act to it, and treat you differently afterwards. As people need to feel like they can speak up - and get help without the fear of it effecting their career or friendships as even the mildest of conditions, if left untreated can escalate and get a lot worse.

My work place have been nothing but supportive. In fact this year - They’ve gone above and beyond for online learning aids, support, information and even hired an in house ‘councillor’ to help and support us. 

My only worry is that I feel that some people/places see it as ‘counselling will fix the issue’ and you’ll be back to coping again in a few weeks - which I’ve learnt for me it’s not the case. There’s a lot more bigger darker issues going on which I need time to explore, uncover and understand before I can even start to over come them. It’s not a quick fix. It's a journey, a lifestyle change and it’s going to take time. 

I never really knew or realised I had mild anxiety until a few years ago - to be honest, I never even really knew what is was. But looking back over certain events throughout the years - I can recognise that this is something I have had all along - I’ve just had good days, weeks, months or even years - separating each occasion and then BAM all of a sudden it's just too much and I break down. 

Seeking help was one of the best things I did - as it was exhausting trying to ‘council yourself’ and now I find it easier to recognise my ‘triggers’ and understand my emotions a bit better. For example I know can get over passionate to the point that I have panic attacks if I can’t do or achieve something I want - but then other times I can’t even manage to care enough to get out of bed. And today I burst out into tears because I had one too many emails.But all of this is ‘normal’ whatever normal is? and I feel that if more and more people ‘come out’ about their issues, more and more people can see that they’re not alone in what and how they’re feeling. It’s all natural, normal feelings, some people just react, deal and cope differently to others.

And that’s why I started “Keep your Feet” to help show and share how I feel, so people know they're not alone. It’s ok to speak out, and it’s ok to ask for support and to talk about your feelings.

May 2021

Recently, I've been really struggling to get out of a 'slump'. Bored and fed up of everything, and feeling trapped in my home, and my own body. No interest in food, work, socialising, all I want to do is buritto on the sofa under a blanket - which is great until about 4pm where I then get mega anxious that I've wasted my whole day (which cycles to life) and I get fidgety and restless and feel like my insides are going to burst.

It's difficult too because I feel like I have to listen to my body. And due to being so mentally exhausted with work, the new when we wander venture, and general life plans and chores I feel like I deserve a day off! So I know I need to allow myself that burrito time - but it still doesn't help the feeling of regret afterwards.

Dave's been great through it all, and I think he is feeling similar right now too. There's so much we want to do and are trying to do, but feeling like we're making no headway with any of it. And then the weather of constant rain and single figure temperatures doesn't help!! We were so lucky with the weather at year! 

To try and help us out of the ‘slump’ this week we've decided that were going to try and do something 'fun' or just 'different' every day. So last night we had a dog walk to one of our favourite parks and a cheeky trip to GoOutdoors! The normality (other than wearing a mask) was amazing! And as it's always quite in there my anxiety coped fine! Tomorrow we’re going to play some Wii and then we’ve not decided on the rest of the week yet! 

Running has helped me with these feelings in the past too. But when you're in such a slump it's so hard to find the get up and go to do it. For the last two weeks I've been wearing my gym gear in the morning so it's one less excuse I have in the evening not to go - and I've still not been! But I had a little talk with myself to try and work out why and I think it's because I'm expecting too much from myself and I'm scared to fail. Knowing this I met myself half way and settled for a mini run - so a 1k instead of a 5k - and in the end it felt great being out and I did 2k!

Another thing I’m trying this week - is not putting stuff off - and rewarding myself for mini victories! For example - i notice the bin needs emptying - empty it then! Not later! Then! and then celebrate in the fact that I’ve done it! 

Also, grabbing onto the little things and running with them i find can start a small but effective chain re action - a good song, lifts your mood, the fact that you're working in something different at work giving you a breath of fresh air from the last few months if chaos, the sun in the sky, the love of your dog, all these little nice feelings can empower you and bring you more uplifting powerful feelings to get you out that slump.