Ptsd Adhd Depression

I dont know what I expected my life to be with 24 but......?????? the fuck is this?

Trying to figure out how to be an adult when I never even was a kid :)

I wish it was me who died. I wish I wouldnt grieve and feel guilty after all this time. I wish it had made me stronger instead of more weak. I wish your face wouldnt make me cry. But what does it help to wish all these things?

I cant forgive myself. I need to move on and I need to learn that I deserve good things even though I was not a good person years ago. I was selfish as a teenager. I only thought about myself and my pain. I tried to numb it in the worst ways possible and I cant forgive myself for it. I cant forgive myself for the pain I caused my family. They were broken too. They had pain too. And I just added to it by destroying myself right in front of them.

You know this feeling when you should be fine but you are not? When you lie to the people around you because there is no fucking reason to be sad? To feel lost? To drown? It makes you kinda lonely. You realize no matter how good or bad a day is its gonna stay. This depression and anxiety and add and trauma you cant leave it behind. You have to carry it around for who knows how long and you cant even tell anybody because they would say wow this is such a negative way of thinking. Yeah it is. But its still true.