βPower absorption?β you ask him over your pasta, which you are currently absorbing powerfully. in the background, a tv is reading out what the Phoenix extremeist group has done recently. bodies, stacking.
tim nods, pushing his salad around.Β βitβs kind of annoying.β heβs gone vegan ever since he could talk to animals. his cheeks are sallow.Β βyesterday i absorbed static and i canβt stop shocking myself.β
βyou donβt know what from,β shay is detangling her hair at the table, even though itβs not polite. about a second ago, her hair was perfect, which implies sheβs been somewhere in the inbetween.Β βtry millions of multiverses that your powers conflict with.βΒ
βdid we die in the last one?β you grin and she grins and tim grins but nobody answers the question.
now she has a cut over her left eye and her hair is shorter. she looks tired and tim looks tired and you look down at your 18-year-old hands, which are nothing.Β
they ship out tomorrow. they go out to the frontlines or wherever it is that superheroes go to fight supervillains; the cream of the crop. the starlight banner kids.Β
βyou both are trying too hard,β you tell them,Β βcouldnβt you have been, like, really good at surfing?β
βgod,β shay groans,Β βwhat iβd give to only be in the olympics.β
xxx
in the night, tim is asleep. on the way home, he absorbed telekinesis, and hates it too.Β
shay looks at you.Β βiβm scared,β she says.
you must not have died recently, because she looks the same she did at dinner, cut healing slowly over her eye the way itβs supposed to, not the hyper-quickness of a timejump. just shay, living in the moment when the moment is something everyone lives in. her eyes are wide and dark the way brown eyes can be, that swelling fullness that feels so familiar and warm, that piercing darkness that feels like a stone at the back of your tongue.
βyou should be,β you say.
her nose wrinkles, she opens her mouth, but you plow on.
βtheyβre going to take one look at you and be like,Β βgross, shay? no thanks. youβre too pretty. itβs bringing down like, morale, and thingsβ. then theyβll kick you out and iβll live with you in a box and weβll sell stolen cans of ravioli.β
sheβs grinning. βlike chef boyardee or like store brand?β
βstore brand but we print out chef boyardee labels and tape them over the can so we can mark up the price.β
βwhere do we get the tape?βΒ
βwe, uh,β you look into those endless dark eyes, so much like the night, so much like a good hot chocolate, so much like every sleepover youβve had with the two of your best friends, and you say,Β βitβs actually just your hair. i tie your hair around the cans to keep the label on.β
she throws a pillow at you.Β
you both spend a night planning what youβll do in the morning when shay is kicked out of Squadron 8, Division 1; top rankers that are all young. youβll both run away to the beach and tim will be your intel and youβll burn down the whole thing. youβre both going to open a bakery where you will do the baking and sheβll use her time abilities to just, like, speed things up so you donβt have to wake up at dawn. youβre both going to become wedding planners that only do really extreme weddings.
she falls asleep on your shoulder. you do not sleep at all.
in the morning, they are gone.
squadron 434678, Division 23467 is basicallyΒ βcivilian status.β you still have to know what to expect and all that stuff. youβre glad that youβre taking extra classes at college; youβre kind of bored re-learning the stuff you were already taught in high school. there are a lot of people who need help, and youβre good at that, so you help them.Β
tim and shay check in from time to time, but theyβre busy saving the world, so you donβt fault them for it. in the meantime, you put your head down and work, and when your work is done, you help the people who canβt finish their work. and it kind of feels good. kind of.
at twenty, squadron 340067, division 2346 feels like a good fit. tim and you go out for ice cream in a new place that rebuilt after the Phoenix group burned it down. youβve chosen nurse-practitioner as your civilian job, because it seems to fit, but youβre not released for full status as civilian until youβre thirty, so itβs been a lot of office work.
timβs been on the fritz a lot lately, overloading. youβre worried theyβll try to force him out on the field. heβs so young to be like this.
βi feel,β he says,Β βlike it all comes down to this puzzle. like iβm never my own. i steal from other peopleβs boxes.β
you wrap your hand around his.Β βsometimes,β you say,Β βwe love a river because it is a reflection.β
heβs quiet a long time after that. a spurt of flame licks from under his eyes.
βi wish,β he says,Β βi could believe that.β
twenty three has you in squad 4637, division 18. really youβve just gotten here because youβre good at making connections. you know someone who knows someone who knows you as a good kid. you helped a woman onto a bus and she told her neighbor who told his friend. youβre mostly in the filing department, but you like watching the real superheroes come in, get to know some of them. at this level, people have good powers but not dangerous ones. you learn how to help an 18 year old who is a loaded weapon by shifting him into a non-violent front. you get those with pstd home where they belong. you put your head down and work, which is what youβre good at.Β
long nights and long days and no vacations is fine until everyone is out of the office for candlenights eve. youβre the only one who didnβt mind staying, just in case someone showed up needing something.Β
the door blows open. when you look up, heβs bleeding. you jump to your feet.Β
βoh,β you say, because you recognize the burning bird insignia on his chest,Β βI think you have the wrong office.β
βi just need,β he spits onto the ground, sways, collapses.Β
well, okay. so, thatβs, not, like. great.Β βuh,β you say, and you miss shay desperately,Β βokay.β
you find the source of the bleeding, stabilize him for when the shock sets in, get him set up on a desk, sew him shut. two hours later, youβve gotten him a candlenights present and stabilized his vitals. youβve also filed him into a separate folder (itβs good to be organized) and found him a home, far from the warfront.
when he wakes up, you give him hot chocolate (god, how you miss shay), and he doesnβt smile. he doesnβt smile at the gift youβve gotten him (a better bulletproof vest, one without the Phoenix on it), or the stitches. thatβs okay. you tell him to take the right medications, hand them over to him, suggest a doctorβs input. and then you hand over his folder with a new identity in it and a new house and civilian status. you take a deep breath.Β
he opens it and bursts into tears. he doesnβt say anything. he just leaves and you have to clean up the blood, which isnβt very nice of him. but itβs candlenights. so whatever. hopefully heβll learn to like his gift.
squadron 3046, division 2356 is incredibly high for a person like you to fit. but still, you fit, because youβre good at organization and at hard work, and at knowing how to hold on when other people donβt see a handhold.
shay is home. youβre still close, the two of you, even though she feels like she exists on another planet. the more security youβre privy to, the more she can tell you.Β
you brush her hair as she speaks about the endless man who never dies, and how they had to split him up and hide him throughout the planet. she cries when she talks about how much pain he must be in.
βcan you imagine?β she whispers,Β βi mean, i know heβs phoenix, but can you imagine?βΒ
βone time i had to work retail on black friday,β you say.
βone time my boss put his butt directly on my hand by accident and i couldnβt say anything so i spent a whole meeting with my hand directly up his ass,β you say.
her eyes are so brown, and filling, and there are scars on her youβve never noticed that might be new or very, very, very old; and neither of you know exactly how much time sheβs actually been alive for.Β
βi mean,β you say,Β βyeah that might hurt but one time i said goodbye to someone but they were walking in the same direction. i mean can you imagine.β
she laughs, finally, even though itβs weakly, and says,Β βone time even though i can manipulate time i slept in and forgot to go to work even though i was leading a presentation and i had to look them in the face later to tell them that.β
βyouβre a compete animal,β you tell her, and look into those eyes, so sad and full of timelines youβll never witness,Β βyou should be kicked out completely.β
she wipes her face.Β βfind me in a box,β she croaks,Β βselling discount ravioli.β
you donβt know how it happens. but you guess the word gets around. you donβt think youΒ likeΒ being known to them as someone they can go to, but itβs not like theyβve got a lot of options. many of them just want to be out of it, so you get them out, you guess.
you explain to them multiple times you havenβt done a residency yet and you really only know what an emt would, but they still swing by. every time they show up at your office, you feel your heart in your chest: this is it, this is how you die, this is how it ends.Β
βso, like, this groupβ you say, trying to work the systemβs loopholes to find her a way out of it,Β βfrom ashes come all things, or whatever?β
she shrugs. you can tell by looking at her that sheβs dangerous.Β βitβs corny,β she says. another shrug.Β βi didnβt mean to wind up a criminal.β
you donβt tell her that you sort of donβt know how one accidentally becomes a criminal, since you kind-of-sort-of help criminals out, accidentally.Β
βi donβt believe any of that stuff,β she tells you,Β βnone of that wholeβ¦ burn it down to start it over.β she swallows.Β βstuff just happens. and happens. and you wake up and itβs still happening, even though you wish it wasnβt.β
you think about shay, and how sheβs covered in scars, and her crying late at night because of things nobody else ever saw.
βyeah,β you say, and print out a form,Β βi get that.β
and you find a dangerous woman a normal home.
βyouβre squadron 905?βΒ
βdivision 34754,β you tell him. watch him look down at your ID and certification and read your superpower on the card and then look back up to you and then back down to the card and then back up at you, and so on. he licks his chapped lips and stands in the cold.
this happens a lot. but you smile. the gatekeeper is frowning, but then hanson walks by.Β βoh shit,β he says,Β βitβs you! come right on in!β he gives you a hug through your rolled-down window.
the gatekeeper is in a stiff salute now. gulping in terror. hanson is one of the strongest people in this sector, and he just hugged you.
the gate opens. hanson swaggers through. you shrug to the gatekeeper.Β βi helped him out one time.βΒ
inside theyβre debriefing. someone has shifted sides, someone powerful, someone wild. itβs not something youβre allowed to know about, but you know itβs bad. so you put your head down, and you work, because thatβs what youβre good at, after all. you find out the gatekeeperβs name and send him a thank-you card and also handmade chapstick and some good earmuffs.
shay messages you that night. i have to go somewhere, she says, i canβt explain it, but thereβs a mission and i might be gone a long time.
you stare at the screen for a long time. your fingers type out three words. you erase them. you instead write where could possibly better than stealing chef boyardee with me?
she doesnβt read it. you close the tab.Β
and you put your head down. and work.
itβs in a chiliβs. like, you donβt even like chiliβs? chiliβs sucks, but the boss ordered it so youβre here to pick it up, wondering if he gave you enough money to cover. things have been bad recently. thousands dying. whoever switched sides is too powerful to stop. they destroy anyone and anything, no matter the cost.
the phoenix fire smells like pistachios, you realize. you feel at once part of yourself and very far. it happens so quickly, but you feel it slowly. you wonder if shay is involved, but know she is not.
the doors burst in. thereβs screaming. those in the area try their powers to defend themselves, but everyone is civilian division. the smell of pistachios is cloying.Β
then they see you. and you see them. and you put your hands on your hips.
βexcuse me, tris,β you say,Β βwhatΒ are you doing?β
thereβs tears in her eyes.Β βi need the money,β she croaks.
βFrom a chiliβs?β you want to know,Β βwho in their right mind robs a chiliβs?Β what are you going to do, steal their mozzarella sticks?β
βitβs connected to a bank on the east wall,β she explains,Β βbut i thought it was stupid too.β
you shake your head. you pull out your personal checkbook. you ask her how much she needs, and you see her crying. you promise her the rest when you get your paycheck.
someone bursts into the room. shouts things. demands they start killing.Β
but youβre standing in the way, and none of them will kill you or hurt you, because they all know you, and you helped them at some point or another, or helped their friend, or helped their children.
tris takes the money, everyone leaves. by the time the heroes show up, youβve gotten everyone out of the building.
the next time you see tris, sheβs marrying a beautiful woman, and living happily, having sent her cancer running. youβre a bridesmaid at the wedding.
βyou just,β the director wants to know now,Β βsent them running?βΒ
hanson stands between her and you, although you donβt need the protection.
βno,β you say again, for the millionth time,Β βi just gave her the money she needed and told her to stop it.β
βthe phoenix group,β the director of squadron 300 has a vein showing,Β βdoes not just stop it.β
you donβt mention the social issues which confound to make criminal activity a necessity for some people, or how certain stereotypes forced people into negative roles to begin with, or how an uneven balance of power punished those with any neurodivergence. instead you say,Β βyeah, they do.β
βiβm telling you,β hanson says,Β βwe brought her out a few times. it happens every time. they wonβt hurt her. we need her on our team.β
your spine is stiff.Β βi donβt do well as a weapon,β you say, voice low, knowing these two people could obliterate you if they wished. but you wonβt use peopleβs trust against them, not for anything. besides, itβs not like trust is your superpower. youβre just a normal person.
hanson snorts.Β βno,β he says,Β βbut i like that when you show up, the fighting justβ¦ stops. thatβs pretty nice, kid.β
βdo you knowβ¦ what we are dealing withβ¦. since agent 25β¦ shiftedβ¦.?β the directorβs voice is thin.
βyeah,β hanson says,Β βthatβs why i think sheβd be useful, you know? add some peace to things.β
the director sits down. sighs. waves her hand.Β βwhatever,β she croaks,Β βdo what you want. reassign her.β
hanson leads you out. over your shoulder, you see her put her head in her hands. later, you get her a homemade spa kit, and make sure to help her out by making her a real dinner from time to time, something sheβs too busy for, mostly.
at night, you write shay messages you donβt send. telling her things you cannot manage.
one morning you wake up to a terrible message: shay is gone. never to be seen again.
youβre eating ice cream when you find him.
behind you, the city is burning. hundreds dead, if not thousands.
heβs staring at the river. maybe half-crying. itβs hard to tell, his body is shifting, seemingly caught between all things and being nothing.
βooh buddy,β you say, passing him a cone-in-a-cup, the way he likes it,Β βtalk about a night on the town.β
the bench is burning beside him, so you put your jacket down and snuff it out. itβs hard sitting next to him. he emits so much.
βyeah?β his voice is a million voices, a million powers, a terrible curse.Β
βcan i help?β you ask.
he eats a spoonful of ice cream.Β
βyeah,β he says eventually.Β βi think i give up.β
later, when they praise you for defeating him, you wonβt smile. they try to put you in the media; an all-time hero. you decline every interview and press conference. you attend his funeral with a veil over your head.
the box goes into the ground. you canβt stop crying.
youβre the only one left at the site. itβs dark now, the subtle night.
you feel her at your side and something in your heart stops hurting. a healing you didnβt know you needed. her hands find yours.
βthey wanted me to kill him,β she says,Β βthey thought iβd be the only one who could.β her hands are warm. you arenβt breathing.
βbeat you to it,β you say.Β
βi see that,β she tells you.Β
you both stand there. crickets nestle the silence.
βyou know,β she says eventually,Β βi have no idea which side is the good one.β
βi think thatβs the point of a good metaphor about power and control,β you say,Β βit reflects the human spirit. no tool or talent is good or bad.β
βjust useful,β she whispers. after a long time, she wonders, βso what does that make us?β
itβs a long trek up into the mountains. shay seems better every day. more solid. less like sheβs on another plane.
βheard youβre a top ten,β she tells me, her breath coming out in a fog. youβve reclassed her to civilian. it took calling in a few favors, but youβve got a lot.Β
βyeah,β you say,Β βinvulnerable.β
βoh, is that your superpower?β she laughs. she knows itβs not.
βthatβs what theyβre calling it,β you tell her, out of breath the way she is not,Β βitβs how they explain a person like me at the top.β
βif that meansΒ βnobody wants to kill meβ, i think iβm the opposite.β but sheβs laughing, in a light way, a way thatβs been missing from her.
the cabin is around the corner. the lights are already on.Β
βsomebodyβs home,β i grin.
tim, just tim, tim who isnβt forced into war and a million reflections, opens the door.Β βcome on in.β
xxx
squadron one, division three. a picture of shay in a wedding dress is on my desk. she looks radiant, even though sheβs marrying little old me.
what do i do? just what iβm best at. whatβs not a superpower. what anyone is capable of: just plain old helping.
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