"Resident RenePaige Expert"- Vince

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Most of you may not know, but I was raised Southern Baptist. My dad is a Southern Baptist minister, has been for most of my life. I was raised in the environment where women are not allowed to be senior pastors, but were and are the main teachers in the church. In an environment where queer kids like myself were told by the people in authority and by our families that they "loved" us but "hated our sin". I have seen and experienced the scenario where someone feels safe enough to come out to their youth group or the spiritual leader in their life, only to be not so subtly pushed back into the closet. When I had tried to come out as ace and in a relationship with someone who identified as a woman at the time, I was told I was "a late bloomer" and that I was "misguided" and "being sinful". I felt pressured into breaking up with this person. I will not deny that I am responsible for making that choice and the harm I have caused that person that was my partner. I will regret that for the rest of my life and no apology I have given or could give will ever make up for that harm I caused them in the wake of my own shame. I know a girl who tried to come out as a lesbian and it became her "dirty secret" and felt pressured into dating men and her mental health tanked. I know many people who stayed in the closet until they were able to get away from their family's church, or who are still in the closet with their community because they know how they will be treated. It sucks. And it just kept building. One of the people I know that was put into one of those situations was one of my sisters. She almost ran away from home as a result. I was anxious over 400 miles away at college, trying to think of how I could make sure she would be safe if she did end up running away. That next Sunday, I walked into the southern baptist church I was attending, sat down in sunday school where we had "missionaries" from Portland visiting, telling us about their work. They mention the LGBT community, and only say that the community has pride. and the sunday school leader's response? "That pride is an abomination to god." In that moment, I thought of my sister. I didn't even consider myself, having shoved myself back into the closet so far I repressed any sort of feeling remotely romantic or sexual. I thought of her, and I thought about how she is not an abomination. She is my sister, and I love her. At the end of that class, I walked out to my car, and left. And I left the southern baptist church completely.

I considered leaving Christianity completely. The only reason I didn't was because I was scared. I was scared about how I would cope if I stopped believing in the Christian god. I was in therapy at the time, and expressed this fear to my therapist. She suggested I explore churches who may better align with the true beliefs I was realizing I had. She recalled that there was an episcopal church across the street from the college campus I went to, and suggested I tried it out. That following Sunday, I did.

One of the first things the priest said in his sermon was that he was thankful for the well-wishes for his husband, and that he couldn't attend church that day because he was on shift at the local hospital. It blew my mind, to see a man who so firmly believed in God, who was not only gay, but happily so. And I knew I wanted that. I wanted that peace. So I talked to the priest after the service, and told him everything. He was very kind, empathetic, and inviting. From that Sunday on, I began attending that church and attended the Episcopal denomination. I still am Episcopal to this day. Is it perfect? By no means. But they strive for love and positive change and my life has been bettered by this community. I have the peace between my faith and my sexuality I was striving for just five years ago.

My parents are still Southern Baptist. That same sister that came out five years ago came out as Trans about two years ago. My parents do not accept it. They dead name her, refer to her old pronouns, blame it on "the media influencing her" and she takes it. She is more patient than I am, and I wish she didn't have to be. But that is what we were raised in, and that is what they still believe. At least, for now. All of this weighs heavily on my mind, especially during Pride month. But that's not actually why I started this post.

Today, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to clarify an amendment stating that women cannot serve in preaching roles or "functions". Two weeks ago, I had the chance to talk with my father about this. He disagrees with the amendment because he feels the wording is too intentionally vague and could be extended to bar women from any sort of teaching or ministry role in the church. Which would mean he would have to fire the women that leads the children's ministry at his church. He would have to bar women from teaching sunday school and almost force some men to step up to take the role. And he doesn't agree with that. Between that, and his disagreement with how the sex abuse scandal was handled (his church had wanted the creation of a sex offender database which as far as I'm aware has not happened and the convention just elected a president who believes the whole thing was "more of a hoax"), he and his church have been discussing leaving the Southern Baptist convention if this amendment were to pass. And it did. So I guess I will see what happens.

I feel sorry for the women in the southern baptist convention who now feel excluded. But it also reminds me why I left. And it makes me wonder how my own parents may change if their church leaves the convention. My father has already said he is on the fence about whether women should be barred from senior pastor roles and that he was planning to do more research. And knowing the man he is, I believe him. And I hope that if he does end up changing his mind that greatly, that he could come around to my sister and I and who we are as well.