text message starters: part 12
[MSG:] Dude, just go to GeekSquad.
[MSG:] I’ll bring your “congrats on finally losing your virginity” cookies tomorrow, I’m exhausted.
[MSG:] Update. A gay dude just told me I’m the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
[MSG:] I’m not gonna lie. I’m a little scared.
[MSG:] Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again.
[MSG:] Let’s learn the alphabet! A is for “Adopted.” Like you.
[MSG:] WHY DO YOU HAVE IODINE IN THE KITCHEN
[MSG:] I bet Robert Pattinson has made it his mission in life to prevent people from taking shitty roles that will haunt them forever and everyone in Hollywood knows it and now he’s like the Acting Avenger.
[MSG:] I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
[MSG:] I don’t know how [other character] is alive, I feel like he’s been drinking since I met him.
[MSG:] I still don’t know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
[MSG:] I’m developing all these feelings. It’s disgusting.
[MSG:] Oedipus came in and out of the same vagina.
[MSG:] WHY DO PEOPLE CALL IT FUCK, MARRY, KILL WHEN THEY COULD CALL IT BED, WED, BEHEAD
[MSG:] I was wondering why were people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck.
[MSG:] We've talked about this! It’s a fire hazard!
[MSG:] I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
[MSG:] I’m gonna fuck the socks.
[MSG:] THERE WERE ZERO CHOREOGRAPHERS. ZERO.
[MSG:] My boss doesn’t know what jello shots are. I’ve lost faith in this company.
[MSG:] Well, it’s noon and I’m still dry heaving.
[MSG:] Did your penis manage to get smaller?
[MSG:] I’m content with our “friends with accidental benefits” situation.
[MSG:] Sexual roleplay is so much better when everyone commits and develops a backstory for their character.
[MSG:] I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn’t snort coke this time.
[MSG:] Let’s play another riveting game of “Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?”
[MSG:] WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU BLEW THE CAB DRIVER
[MSG:] So I found this box of flavored condoms…
[MSG:] I lost my bra at his grandma’s house so there’s that.
[MSG:] You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno.
[MSG:] I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
[MSG:] I was a slut. I slept with a lot of people. Mostly guys.
[MSG:] What do the bus drivers on field trips do while kids are on the field trip?
[MSG:] I JUST FOUND MY SEVENTH GRADE MATH TEACHER ON A GAY PORN WEBSITE
[MSG:] I can’t ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
[MSG:] Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
[MSG:] I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
[MSG:] This entire semester has just been one successful act of procrastination after another.
[MSG:] Congrats, welcome to the “I’ve jacked off while thinking about you” club.
[MSG:] On a scale of 1 to “(500) Days of Summer” how much do people completely misinterpret what you say?
yousharknotpass
origamiaround
areudirty
ellievsbear
amandla
