Randomly Anonymous

I honestly don't know if I've ever been this happy/comfortable/content with someone before!  I don't even know where to start to explain how I feel. I am literally so happy that I want to cry!

I don't question how he feels about me. I don't wonder if he's talking to anyone else. I don't fret over where this is going, or if we are right for each other, or what I need to do make him stay. 

Of course I think about him, and I still get in my head sometimes, and it's hard when I don't hear from him in a while. But I'm getting better! Like, so much better. I mean, he's an idiot who is never serious and is always giving me a hard time about everything. But when I'm upset, or there is something real that we need to talk about, he straightens up and talks for real about how we fix it. He will be the first to tell me that I'm overreacting, or overthinking, but when he knows I'm really upset, he speaks softly and reassures me. Rather than dismissing my feelings, as irrational as they may be. 

He talks about me to the guys in the most adorable way. Like he's totally picking on me for something, but it feels more like he's gushing. I'm not sure how to explain it. Like when he was ragging on me to his buddy about all my chapsticks, but at the same time it’s like he's boasting that I keep one of these most important items by his bed AND that he knows me so well to know that this is a part of me that not everyone gets to see. Like, he makes it very clear that we are together, that he spends his time with me, and that he is proud to do so. He's not trying to keep us a secret. 

He does so many sweet little things that he absolutely doesn't have to do. His offer to stop drinking the night I passed my exam, so that I could get drunk and he could drive us home. Paying to fill up my car when I was shoving my credit card at him. Making the bed and clearing the trash off the nightstand when he was at my place and I was at work. Always making sure I have a seat, even if he has to stand. The way he sings to me! Every time we are together he does something that shows me how he cares. 

AND I feel physically comfortable with him! I mean, I'm still self conscious about my body. I'm sure I always will be. But when I'm laying on my side at night and he puts his arm around my stomach, I don't completely freak out! And THAT is a small miracle. I can't wait to get back to the gym, but I feel so much more motivated to get hotter for HIM than I do for myself. Take my feminism card if you have to. 

I just tossed and turned and couldn’t shut my mind down.

Too angry with, worried about, and far away from the men in my life...

First, there’s John.

John, who I fell for, way too hard, and way too fast.

He’s already shown me with his actions, or lack thereof, that he isn’t interested in me the same way I am in him. So why am I still so eager to impress? Perhaps it’s too easy for me to see the good intentions, even when they are not there. I keep telling myself that he’s just not ready. I mean, how long did it take me to be ready? I’m still not even sure I am. And I’m fine with a slow burn, especially since we are stuck seeing each other in a professional capacity for at least another seven months. Even if I do think about jumping him on the back of the bus every time I see him.

But last night he really pissed me off. He started the conversation down this particular path, after not even talking to me at all for weeks, and then goaded me into sending him a racy picture, saying, “neither of us is playing games here”...

I debated, and I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t really know if I could trust him. But I said, you know what, fuck it, I’m into this guy, we are adults, sounds like a fun way to spend this Saturday night. So I sent him a damn sexy picture, even if it was only rated PG-13.

And then, as soon as I sent the pic, not only did his response time immediately drop to HOURS, but he failed to reciprocate in any way, whatsoever.

I mean, if I’m actively sexting with someone, I believe I deserve their undivided attention. Is that too much to ask?

🙄

Then there’s Josh.

Josh, who literally began with loathing.

Then, somehow, managed to friendship. Which, stranger still, formed into a crush.

He tests my patience at every turn, but somehow I hate being mad at him. He’s become my favorite in a group of terrible options. And truth be told, if I didn’t believe I would become a dehumanized tale among the group, I probably would have taught him a couple things by now. 😈

He has potential for greatness. Or, at least, some sort of potential. But like the rest of us, he doesn’t make the best decisions. And his drunken personality, rather than getting fun, can get pretty nasty.

Still, I like him. And I’m definitely attracted to him. And even though I know it has no possibility of a future, and that I should absolutely leave it alone completely, I really want him to want me, too.

Which brings us to last night.

I haven’t seen him in quite some time. He’s been working on himself. Eating right, working out, not drinking. I’m proud of him for doing what’s good for himself, but that kind of lifestyle leaves little room for socializing. Trust me, I know. Also, the few photos I’ve seen... the boy is looking hot!

Anyway, last night I guess the isolation got to be too much, and he headed out to the bar. A while later I get a message that he wanted to find some time for a personal talk. It’s rare he seems so serious, so I tell him that of course I’m here for whatever he needs and ask if everything is alright. He said yes, but that he needs “a time to speak the truth”.

Increasingly unusual for him to talk that way.

I didn’t hear much more from him and assumed he went to sleep. Even though it was fairly early. I did check his location and he was home at least. Now I’m wondering if he was home while he was messaging me, or still at the bar?

I really have no idea what it is he wants to talk about, or what he has to say. It could be any number of things. Informing me that the guys are shit-talking about Andrew washing my hair the week before, or maybe just his disappointment to hear of it. Or that he is back with his ex 😒. Or thanking me for being there and urging him toward becoming his better self. Or how he won’t be hanging with the group anymore at all because he’s getting his shit together.

All of these things and more are possibilities. However, all I could think all night was that he wanted to confess that he is into me. That my friendship has meant a lot and that he appreciates the way I’ve tried to help him be better. And that the reason he’s been working on himself so much is to try to become worthy of a woman like myself.

I know that this option, especially to this extent, is the least likely of all the possibilities. It’s an extremely big-headed idea. I realize that. But it’s the fever dream I succumbed to in my sleeplessness last night. Along with the conundrum of how I could, should, and would react to such a plea.

😌

That brings us to Dale.

Dale, who’s silliness and drunken snapchats endear him to me more with every video.

I don’t know him very well, but he seems like a great time, and a good guy.

I’m quite curious to know more, but it seems our timelines won’t have the chance to intersect for a while, if at all. He’s visiting family in California at the moment, and interviewing for a job that would take him out there permanently.

It would be a shame if we never got a chance to explore our possibilities, but I can’t say I’m emotionally invested as of yet. But I am interested in finding out what kind of kisser he is.

Fuck its whole fucking cowardly fucking existence. You wanna fight? I’ll fucking fight you. Why don’t you fucking come out here and say that to my fucking face? I’ll kick your fucking ass. I’ll kick your fucking tumor’s ass. I’ll fucking kick your mom’s tumor’s ass! Fucking chicken.

So, I was scrolling through Pinterest the other day and there was a Tumblr post that caught my attention. It was started by this ridiculous user who was running on about how homosexuality must be unnatural because if you separated the gays, lesbians, and straight people onto three islands, respectively, that the gay and lesbian islands would die out after a generation and the straight island would survive. She then went on to become so righteous in her ignorant opinions that I kind of wanted to reach through the computer and slap her. But I digress.

Other users added comments, effectively turning the entire post into a very intriguing tale about a “goddamn sci-fi dystopian adventure” and honestly, it was pretty awesome.  

Still, the original poster got me thinking. Not that she was correct, but actually the opposite.

What if it IS natural? And I don’t mean whether people are born gay. Personally, I believe some people are absolutely born gay, while others are influenced by their surroundings, and still others are just attracted to people they love, regardless of gender.

And of course, there have always been gay people. We have proof of it as far back as history has been recorded. It’s not a new concept. But many people, specifically the ones arguing that homosexuality is “unnatural”, believe that the gay population is growing, and to epidemic proportions, they say.

While most people wouldn’t argue that the number of openly gay individuals is increasing, it can be primarily chalked up to the growing acceptance of alternate sexualities. It’s not that a larger percentage of people are being born gay. It’s just that people are more open about it. Right?

But what if that’s exactly what is happening: more and more people being born gay? What if it is a defense mechanism that our species, or even our planet, has developed to combat our massive overpopulation? It could be an actual change in our genetic makeup. A step in evolution to ensure the survival of the human race! Or maybe our planet has had enough and is emitting a chemical, affecting our brains or that of our offspring as an attempt to reduce the population over time? 

So you have all these people shouting that homosexuality is unnatural, when it could possibly be the most natural and humane way to deal with the devastating overpopulation that, if left unchecked, will be sure to kill us all.

Seems logical to me.