#ishouldpostmore

I just tossed and turned and couldn’t shut my mind down.

Too angry with, worried about, and far away from the men in my life...

First, there’s John.

John, who I fell for, way too hard, and way too fast.

He’s already shown me with his actions, or lack thereof, that he isn’t interested in me the same way I am in him. So why am I still so eager to impress? Perhaps it’s too easy for me to see the good intentions, even when they are not there. I keep telling myself that he’s just not ready. I mean, how long did it take me to be ready? I’m still not even sure I am. And I’m fine with a slow burn, especially since we are stuck seeing each other in a professional capacity for at least another seven months. Even if I do think about jumping him on the back of the bus every time I see him.

But last night he really pissed me off. He started the conversation down this particular path, after not even talking to me at all for weeks, and then goaded me into sending him a racy picture, saying, “neither of us is playing games here”...

I debated, and I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t really know if I could trust him. But I said, you know what, fuck it, I’m into this guy, we are adults, sounds like a fun way to spend this Saturday night. So I sent him a damn sexy picture, even if it was only rated PG-13.

And then, as soon as I sent the pic, not only did his response time immediately drop to HOURS, but he failed to reciprocate in any way, whatsoever.

I mean, if I’m actively sexting with someone, I believe I deserve their undivided attention. Is that too much to ask?

🙄

Then there’s Josh.

Josh, who literally began with loathing.

Then, somehow, managed to friendship. Which, stranger still, formed into a crush.

He tests my patience at every turn, but somehow I hate being mad at him. He’s become my favorite in a group of terrible options. And truth be told, if I didn’t believe I would become a dehumanized tale among the group, I probably would have taught him a couple things by now. 😈

He has potential for greatness. Or, at least, some sort of potential. But like the rest of us, he doesn’t make the best decisions. And his drunken personality, rather than getting fun, can get pretty nasty.

Still, I like him. And I’m definitely attracted to him. And even though I know it has no possibility of a future, and that I should absolutely leave it alone completely, I really want him to want me, too.

Which brings us to last night.

I haven’t seen him in quite some time. He’s been working on himself. Eating right, working out, not drinking. I’m proud of him for doing what’s good for himself, but that kind of lifestyle leaves little room for socializing. Trust me, I know. Also, the few photos I’ve seen... the boy is looking hot!

Anyway, last night I guess the isolation got to be too much, and he headed out to the bar. A while later I get a message that he wanted to find some time for a personal talk. It’s rare he seems so serious, so I tell him that of course I’m here for whatever he needs and ask if everything is alright. He said yes, but that he needs “a time to speak the truth”.

Increasingly unusual for him to talk that way.

I didn’t hear much more from him and assumed he went to sleep. Even though it was fairly early. I did check his location and he was home at least. Now I’m wondering if he was home while he was messaging me, or still at the bar?

I really have no idea what it is he wants to talk about, or what he has to say. It could be any number of things. Informing me that the guys are shit-talking about Andrew washing my hair the week before, or maybe just his disappointment to hear of it. Or that he is back with his ex 😒. Or thanking me for being there and urging him toward becoming his better self. Or how he won’t be hanging with the group anymore at all because he’s getting his shit together.

All of these things and more are possibilities. However, all I could think all night was that he wanted to confess that he is into me. That my friendship has meant a lot and that he appreciates the way I’ve tried to help him be better. And that the reason he’s been working on himself so much is to try to become worthy of a woman like myself.

I know that this option, especially to this extent, is the least likely of all the possibilities. It’s an extremely big-headed idea. I realize that. But it’s the fever dream I succumbed to in my sleeplessness last night. Along with the conundrum of how I could, should, and would react to such a plea.

😌

That brings us to Dale.

Dale, who’s silliness and drunken snapchats endear him to me more with every video.

I don’t know him very well, but he seems like a great time, and a good guy.

I’m quite curious to know more, but it seems our timelines won’t have the chance to intersect for a while, if at all. He’s visiting family in California at the moment, and interviewing for a job that would take him out there permanently.

It would be a shame if we never got a chance to explore our possibilities, but I can’t say I’m emotionally invested as of yet. But I am interested in finding out what kind of kisser he is.