Grand Archmage of the Seven Black Kingdoms @grand-archmage-malaster - Tumblr Blog

Chronological tag for you mortal minds too feeble to grasp temporal superstructure

Mirror on the "Archive of Threes"

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ouroborosorder

at the club straight up tarnishing my master's legacy

grand-archmage-malaster

At the club dishonoring my people

#archmage on the orb

prokopetz

Evil overlord who seems to be attempting to seduce you to the side of darkness with their devious sexual wiles, but when you try to accept they're taken completely by surprise because the possibility had genuinely never occurred to them – it turns out they're just kind of like Like That.

#archmage on the orb

pulpsandcomics2

Saruman by Angus McBride

#archmage on the orb

dogpuppy

grand-archmage-malaster

At least they're politically aligned with me nowadays

#archmage on the orb

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wizard-council-bureaucrat

why are there no wizard custody battles when wizards love to get divorced? - you may ask

well this is simply because wizard divorce is too the death, and all contested assets go to the victor, thus custody is implied

inter-realm-tax-agency

An’ if one side runs off with everything before someone dies, that’s when we get involved.

Ay bureaucrat, on the topic how’s tha kids? Still in wizard college?

wizard-council-bureaucrat

Yes! Unfortunately yes! I have yet to convince the wizard college to spit them out again. I fear at this rate they will be digested and I’ll lose the whole flock

grand-archmage-malaster

I knew that uni was shifty

#archmage on the orb #the best way to divorce is to never marry #wizard not equals wife

wizardsisananimal

What do I do if a wizard tries to fight my dog pleass help time sensitive question it is throwing so much lightning . My dog is so large I cannot carry him to safety pleas help he is my only son please h

i own your dog now

grand-archmage-malaster

Lose your dog

Weep bitterly

Turn your mourning tears into the sharp ice of hatred

Study

Cut yourself from the weak shape that could not protect your dog into a strong shape that not only could have, but can now go to the wizard in its own home and challenge it for the dog

Win

The experience will become overall beneficial and you will have ascended three steps of the arcane ladder (or two if it was really hard to kill the wizard)

neutral-witch-of-the-south

*nods* survival of the fittest. if you can't even defend your dog, you don't get to have him

#archmage on the orb

homeboygirl

my evil chalice came in but its so fucking small. goddamnit. they're going to make fun of me at the wizards circle tonight

copycatgirl36

loser

homeboygirl

FUUUUUUUCK !!

grand-archmage-malaster

Wait

I was supposed to have an evil chalice?

Oh

:|

#archmage on the orb

It's time for the annual gay invasion

Every country is simultaneously overrun by miscellaneous transgenders and assorted homosexuals

This lasts for exactly one month before almost all peacefully return to their homes

A few stay behind every time, slowly increasing the background presence of queers

At current observed rates, in 60 years all countries will be 80% gay year-round

#archmage on the orb #pride month

sunderwight

Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.

grand-archmage-malaster

Dreadful

Why do you want plausible deniability

Why do you want taste

#archmage on the orb

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grand-archmage-malaster

Look at what they're saying about me

#archmage rewinds the orb

probablybadrpgideas

Unearthing the ancient arcane lore of the primordial wizards who strode the world at the dawn of time unlocks a new branch of magic that doesn't do a single goddamn thing.

There's a reason they're the primordial wizards who strode the world at the dawn of time rather than the current wizards who are still striding the world as we speak, you know?

grand-archmage-malaster

The old wizards suck

If you're writing the first magic books of the world you don't have any to read

You make all of the textbook mistakes because there are no textbooks

I am very fortunate to live in an advanced age

#archmage on the orb

holy-knight-of-the-east

have you seen the evil knight of the west lately? his castle seems a little more... 'ancient ruin' than 'evil castle' from this distance. and his evil wolves are harassing my forest's deer herd

he went on vacation, something about learning foreign hexes? I’m having to watch his evil sprits to make sure they don’t release hellfire onto the world while he’s gone

evil-knight-of-the-west

I’m in the deepest chasms of the infernal realms. The service is horrible

neutral-witch-of-the-south

really? it must be terrible. your castle's got great service though

evil-knight-of-the-west

Why are you in my house. Get out.

neutral-witch-of-the-south

>:D no

grand-archmage-malaster

The servants here are really friendly

Honestly I'm just going to write up some minion contracts and offer them around

I have seven black kingdoms' worth of tax money I'm sure I can offer higher pay

neutral-witch-of-the-south

do it

I don't think the evil knight of the west offers dental

grand-archmage-malaster

I have excellent dental courtesy of the modernist gnomes

It is perfectly safe and leaves your teeth in superior condition

#archmage on the orb

corpsebanger

I took your skull off display because my guests kept saying it looked noticeably gayer than the other skulls

neutral-witch-of-the-south

that's discrimination...

grand-archmage-malaster

Man what's wrong with you

#archmage on the orb

neutral-witch-of-the-south

hmf. Monty ate my shoes so he's in timeout for now - if you see a sad looking wyrm tied up outside my cottage, don't try to feed him. he's had his fill of handcrafted leather.

grand-archmage-malaster

Aw

Can I give him

A carrot

I will give you a five gold coin illegal tax break

#archmage on the orb

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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wizardsisananimal

What do I do if a wizard tries to fight my dog pleass help time sensitive question it is throwing so much lightning . My dog is so large I cannot carry him to safety pleas help he is my only son please h

i own your dog now

grand-archmage-malaster

Lose your dog

Weep bitterly

Turn your mourning tears into the sharp ice of hatred

Study

Cut yourself from the weak shape that could not protect your dog into a strong shape that not only could have, but can now go to the wizard in its own home and challenge it for the dog

Win

The experience will become overall beneficial and you will have ascended three steps of the arcane ladder (or two if it was really hard to kill the wizard)

#archmage on the orb

holy-knight-of-the-east

have you seen the evil knight of the west lately? his castle seems a little more... 'ancient ruin' than 'evil castle' from this distance. and his evil wolves are harassing my forest's deer herd

he went on vacation, something about learning foreign hexes? I’m having to watch his evil sprits to make sure they don’t release hellfire onto the world while he’s gone

evil-knight-of-the-west

I’m in the deepest chasms of the infernal realms. The service is horrible

neutral-witch-of-the-south

really? it must be terrible. your castle's got great service though

evil-knight-of-the-west

Why are you in my house. Get out.

neutral-witch-of-the-south

>:D no

grand-archmage-malaster

The servants here are really friendly

Honestly I'm just going to write up some minion contracts and offer them around

I have seven black kingdoms' worth of tax money I'm sure I can offer higher pay

#archmage on the orb

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