losing my braincells

What does it mean to be an individual. Sapient and with traits. What even are traits, how can one define their self. Through stereotypes? Through such superficial things as what we like, how we dress?

Uzi likes her hot topic stuff. She presents herself as a goth through clothes, and she seems to associate this with an edgy sort of personality. But that's such a damn mask. We can see it right in the first episode - *this* bitey angry girl is a shield, because goddamnit if she doesn't have it drawn then that's just asking to be hurt, isn't it?

She *is* angry deep down, at injustice, but she's also a confused distraught kid with nobody to lean on. No place, no one to find safety in - no home despite having a place to lie her head down.

And then N shows up and he's hurt too, but doesn't have it in him to successfully mask who he really is (boy's shit at lying + too nice). His inherent vulnerability to the world that stings him over and over again with others, unintentionally peels off Uzi's mask.

And who is she without it?

She's a reassuring gentle smile. Worried searching eyes. A goofy jokester. A little bit shy, flustered, giddy mess. She's a kind, loving, listening idiot that's ready to throw herself into hell for someone dear to her.

She is all this normally. Buried deep as a survival tactic. (And she is so damn strong too, because despite being a kind person deep in there, she doesn't allow anyone to break her.) But she finally could experience herself free thanks to someone finally being genuine and warm, giving her the invintation to find a home in him. Through her interactions with her home, N, we get to slowly meet the true Uzi Doorman.

But they forget that at her core, she's actually kind.

She had every right to leave N dying at the doors after J stabbed him. For all she knew this was the guy that killed her mom. The reason her dad neglected her for all these years. Hell, he's the reason her dad left her just a few minutes ago.

But she stayed.

She saw the wounded and hurt boy who was just doing as he was programmed to, who had the wool pulled over his eyes and got a reality check in the worst way possible by someone he looked up to. She looked at him, saw herself...and she wasn't sure if she liked that or not. So she took the higher road (while still passing it off as a 'fiiiine I'll help...but only because we'll be even then'.) and helped him.

There's far too many stories and comics and other things out there with her being this absolutely horrible person to N...to everyone. Because "well, she's an angry and bitey teenager so she gets to be horrible!" but that's not the truth like, at all.

Yeah, she's got a bit of a god complex...but when she realizes she f*cked up, she goes to fix what she's done. Which is a lot more to say about her than some other people I know...

This teenage girl had the world turn its back on her. So she threw up walls to keep herself and that little spark of hope she still had kindled, that hope of someone caring about her and treating her like she mattered. That she wasn't something to throw away...like she'd been treated most of her life. I know this is rich coming from me since I'm one of Khan's greatest defenders but like...yeah, he f*cked up. Intentionally or unintentionally, there's no skirting around that. He neglected her...whether that was out of grief from losing Nori and being unable to look at Uzi due to their similarities or devotion to protect his and Nori's Greatest Work it doesn't matter. (though he gets better at trying to make it up to his baby girl, I'll fight people on that bite me.)

And then. And THEN. Here comes this golden retriever wolf boy. Who shattered every barrier just because he is who he is. Who gently hopped over the walls she threw up and sat next to her to tend that little spark of hope until it became a blaze. A blaze that eventually was strong enough to stand up against the devil itself.

Then the camp happened and she just...broke. Everything went upside down again. She was losing control of her body, gaining new powers she didn't understand...hell there was flesh growing out of her when there really should not be!! She was scared and hurting and confused so she lashed tf out. Which was kinda natural.

Her fear wasn't that N was going to think she was a monster. Her fear was that he, this source of light in her world that had been so dark for so long...was going to abandon her. Like everyone else in her life, her mom...her dad...her classmates...everyone had done to her before. And that scared her more than anything.

Uzi's a very complex character. People just look surface level and see "Oh god a scene kid with god complex and god powers ew." But that's just who she is. She's soft where no one can see, but hard and sharp edges that refuse to be sanded down everywhere else.

Because she had to learn to be that way.

It's an object show called Buzzkill Quartermill-- It's a jigsaw puzzle of worldbuilding with some really awesome and engaging characters! All episodes exist on the same timeline and in the same world! But from varying places and times-- It's a perfect show for those that enjoy piecing together theories and worldbuilding! And episodes are planned to release weekly / biweekly! Currently there are 5 released episodes! Here's my favourite episode so far! (episodes can be viewed out of release order! So it's not spoilery to watch it! This is in fact the first episode featuring these character! )

Aaaaand Here's the playlist with all the episodes!