Cooler Than Space

I felt like I made such great strides last year, only to most likely be sent back to square one bc the person I'm counting on just cannot get it together

I try not to feel resentment. Some of the things that have happened have been out of their control. But things wouldn't have immediately been a life ruining emergency if they could be just a little more reliable, and I feel kind of used by them bc my hard work is the only reason we/they've been able to stay afloat for months, and I knew that no small part of them helping me escape the abusive home I was in was because (as much as they genuinely cared and helped me a lot) they needed someone who could make an income while they kinda (with increasing urgency NOW but big hesitance all fall) tried to find employment... I knew that was what I was taking on, and for the help they've given me I was happy to do what I could, they put their all into everything they do and only want to help, for a couple of months they worked hard while I looked for an income, but somehow things always get worse for them.

Which I empathize with and have gone out of my way not to make them feel bad or at fault but.... They are!!! They ARE at fault in no small part of this going wrong, bad luck aside, and it just feels like they put things off Knowing that consequences are coming, and then it's the world's fault when they arrive/they are the world's most unfortunate that deserves it and i need to comfort them, even when I'm also being fucked over by whatever the issue is. And it sucks because they feel so bad and mean every word they say about turning things around, but have bad luck on top of mental illness/chronic pain, which we both struggle with, except I have to mask around them and walk on eggshells bc they can drive and I can't, so my mobility completely relies on their moods... And they've been promising to teach me to drive ever since I moved in, but circumstances have kept it from coming to fruition (this is I suppose partially my fault but when I first moved in I was decompressing from a devastatingly bad situation, so wasn't ready to jump into work and driving for a couple of months due to overcoming physical weakness from being housebound, which was fine bc we had another house mate with good income who was overwhelmingly willing to support me at that time, but was always going to move in the fall, after which I started working and current house mate lost their income very suddenly and hasn't found another stable income since, after losing their abusive job earlier that same year)

It's SO hard, and I wish I had never even left my previous abusive home bc then at least it would just be horrible as always, or I would already be dead. Instead I have to feel the sting of the fact that no matter HOW HARD I TRIED and no matter HOW MANY EXPENSES I COVERED for this person, it's ultimately the fact that they just can't scrounge together ANYTHING after YEARS, which has meant they put themselves in debt trying to catch up, and then still can't get it together.