Simplicity & Serendipity

i’m the most provocative and unique bitch in this Aldi ...

Literally if you’re going to show up and talk with your friend the entire time, just don’t come. Everybody else in class hates you

Oh, it’s that time of year again. Don’t speak unless you’re going to pay my tuition

straight people are so fucking wild today my coworker informed me that cafés are for women and bars are for men and her husband refuses to enter starbucks in case they think hes gay ?? whats up next in Incredibly Unnecessary Gendering

So the bar he goes to has only guys in it? That doesn’t sound very straight

Pfft

it took nine seconds for me to fully process what i was watching and then i started LAUHGHING

I would be dead

Messy girls are so incredibly woke and counterculture etc. every time I go into a girl’s room and she just has a bowl of cereal rotting in the corner I feel a deep sense of kinship

That’s really cool that both of your parents are dogs

me @ myself: ok bitch time to get over it

A truck stop on my way to work is flying the McDonald’s flag at half mast

I’m gonna stop and take a picture of it on the way home

This isn’t for Barbara Bush this is for the American icon of film Verne Troyer aka Mini Me

I thought it was for the ice cream machine

NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE SAW THIS, LISTEN TO IT WITH VOLUME UP!

not killing myself is a personal achievement but you cant really brag about that at dinner parties

one of the most infuriating tasks ever is attempting to come up with a title for a conference presentation proposal. and for some reason i always need to make my titles have alliteration