Maybe Sprout Wings

Hi honey how was your day at the gaslighting factory?

ive never worked there. stop saying i work there

Honey, remember what your union rep said about working off the clock

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

Every time I go they put me in a chair and they say look into this machine there's a hot air balloon or a farmhouse in there and I do and I'm like you're right I see it and they're like yeah keep admiring that hot air balloon or farmhouse and I do and I'm like this shit's quaint as fuck and then do you know what happens next they attack me they jumpscare me with air directly into my eyeballs and i fall out the chair and they say sorryyyy but they're NOT they wanted this to happen they KNEW about the jumpscare well now I'm wise to it now I know better when I go in and they say look at this bodacious hot air balloon I'm like NO WAY DUDE that balloon wishes me harm have at thee and I attack them and push them on the ground and spit on them

teeth are the horses of the body

You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

Reblog to materialize $250,000 in prev's bank account

a body count not as in homicide nor as in sexuality but as in the trail of people from my childhood and adolescence i should’ve been a better friend to and taken better care of but i was too busy being caught up in my own heartache to recognize their own and therefore our relationship tapered off in an extremely unsatisfying way that continuously manifests itself as a thrumming sense of grief in my chest. anyway which restaurant chains have the best free pre-meal bread?

cell phone doesn't like water because it is a combination of the other three elements. it is a rock (earth) that we fill with lightning (fire) that can control radio waves (air). if it contained water too, it would be too perfect; it would be like a god. to prevent this, the universe kills the would be uniter-of-the-elements. it's basic science.

Hey op google what LCD stands for

i took an oath in third grade to never do drugs

Bonus: If I buy a book I get to keep it! The publisher can't turn up at my house at random and confiscate all the books I bought.

let the contemporary record show mr beast was pretty ignorable for his whole career if you were just like, busy.

”aaugh free the nipple was CLEARLY started by MEN so they could see more tits” GET OUT OF THE CAVE!!! GET OUT OF THE CAVE RN!!!!

- Plato, 375 BC