You don’t know how to feel, everything you felt in the past was invalidated. You were told it’s wrong to feel that way so you did the right thing and stopped. Stopped feeling stopped and started ignoring your emotions. No, you didn’t let the feelings pass you made sure to bury them 6 feet deep, and crush them under your tar black soul. This is a learnt behavior that you can’t unlearn. Then what happens when it’s 3 am and your eyes tear up. It turns into every emotion you’ve been shoving down for the past few months. You can’t identify what’s pouring out of you, why your body needs to release all this pain you’ve kept in. It’s like a never ending painful waterfall. It ends with tear drops on your pillow and puffy eyes in the morning. Feeling numb is worse than feeling anything, the absence of feeling drives you mad. You want to squeeze something or to grasp onto anything to just, feel something. I just want to feel something sometimes, not everything all at once.
