*Internal Screaming*

(star wars me up) star wars me up inside (can't star wars up) star wars me up inside (star wars)

at this wedding as a bridesmaid its actually very beautiful. im gonna ask the waiter what he thinks hold on

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO this waiter off his shits he has the real tea on the bride if anyone heard him hes SO fucked

oh fuck

booty shorts that say "It's not me, it's you. Actually, it's the taxidermy of you and me. Untie the balloons from around my neck and ground me. I'm just a racehorse on the track, Send me back to the glue factory. Always thought I'd float away And never come back. But I've got enough miles on my card to fly the boys home on my own. But you know me: I like being all alone. And keeping you all alone. And the charts are boring. And the kids are snoring. And the eagles in a sling. You say you're not listening, and I said I'm wishing. And I said, I said..." on the ass

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a clapping, As of ass cheeks gently clapping, clapping at my chamber door.

“tis a visitor,” i muttered, “dummy thicc, and nothing more”

me flirting: I don’t want you to die

sometime you’re naked…. sometimes you’re not. depends

*after breaking the aliens out of area 51* alright boys. time to return the favor. get me off this fucking planet.

we’re all getting “older” but age is a relative thing. i’ve licked things that are 250 million years old. you’re not that old and you’re not worth licking. 

Clare this is by far the most terrifying post you have ever made

Is this person an archaeologist and referring to the “lick test” for fossils or does she go down on the old gods…?

just found out today that moths can make their genitals vibrate to throw off a bat’s sonar

we can too you’re just not skilled yet

Me helicoptering my dick so the cops can’t triangulate my cellphone signal

who ever decided to put ice in coffee was a pretty cool dude i think