santana lopez.

rachel blinked. wait, santana just admitted it. just admitted feelings. because why else would it not be easy. rachel sighed. "it's not common, but it isn't wrong." rachel insisted and licked her lips. "what was wrong, was my mother leaving me and my dad. that was wrong. but you know what is right? my father finding love with my other dad when i was little." she spoke and bit her lip. "don't you ever tell anyone, but they're more than roommates. they're both my fathers, in reality. it's... different, but it's not wrong, santana. it's as pure as a love affair between a man and a woman. it's... the same. for all intents and purposes." rachel told the other and reached for her hand once more, not giving up just yet. "don't tell me that this touch doesn't do what those boys couldn't do for you. doesn't it... thrill you. move you. intrigue you? because it does for me. you... do it for me." she said, a little clumsily but she meant it. she needed santana to know that.

confusion takes over santana's face as she listens to rachel, surprised at how she speaks about her family dynamic. she almost can't believe she trusts her enough to reveal such a secret, but as always, rachel sees right through her and santana knows that deep down, rachel knows she wouldn't tell a soul. because, she's like them ... as much as she tries to hide it. she doesn't say anything in response; she's too overwhelmed. when rachel takes her hand, her mouth opens slightly, as she tries to keep quiet sobs at bay. "it doesn't matter if it does," she breathes out, eyes closing as she lets herself melt into the touch for a moment, lacing their fingers. "we could never be."

brittany looked at their hands and she felt her heart hurt in her chest, still. she had to ask, or it would keep plaguing her mind. "if you... were with another girl. a... smarter girl, would you tell them? are you... hiding me?" she asked, always convinced that she wasn't quite good enough. she put up a brave front, and generally she felt okay about herself and her abilities but santana continuously hiding her away did make her doubt things.

"hmm, yeah, it's... it's a nice song. maybe." she spoke but didn't quite feel it. she hated having to hide and she didn't want to push santana, but she felt like glee club - probably the gayest place in school - was such a small step. could there be a smaller one?

santana feels her heart split it two; she swears she can hear it too. she hates herself for making brittany feel like this. tears well in her eyes at the question, and she lets out a shaky breath as she shakes her head no. "never," she tells her seriously, shuffling closer to her. "i feel so lucky ... so proud to be yours, britt. it's myself i'm hiding." why must it be so damn hard?

she decides to forget about the song for right now. she doesn't want to make things worse, and she can tell that brittany's hurting once again because of her.

"i'm sorry."

"liar." rachel mumbled as she raised her hands to wipe the tears from her cheeks. she didn't understand why they couldn't just act on their feelings, privately. explore this, just between them. she understood the risks, but she was willing to take them. yet, santana was too much of a coward to. who would have thought that, that santana would be the least brave out of the both of them. the words that followed made her look up and actually huff. "i am not sure i am ready to do that right now and comfort you with some semblance of experiencing what we could be by playing pretend together. how can you even... how is this so easy for you?" she snapped as well, upset and frankly appalled by the other wanting to move on so very quickly.

santana is a little surprised by rachel's outburst, her head snapping up to look at her. she's so used to pushing her own feelings down, and locking them away that a part of her is a little jealous that rachel can be so honest. "do you think this is easy for me?" santana snaps at her, realising that in itself was an admission. "how can you be so okay with feeling this way? how can you even think about acting on this?" she glances at the choir room doors to check they're still closed. "it's wrong, rachel."

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brittany deflates. all joy in her appears to just evaporate into thin air. not another school year having to hide her love away, right? "not even tell the people in glee club?" she asked, hoping on at least some small group of people she can tell about how she feels, about how amazing santana is, how in love they are... like all other couples get to do. "but then, how will we be doing the summer assignment, singing about what happened over summer?"

with how this conversation's going, she almost sugests cruel summer or summertime sadness, given the look on brittany's face. it breaks her heart. "hey," she says softly, reaching out to take brittany's hands in hers. "this has been the best summer of my life. i just want it to be ours. i don't want to let anybody ruin it." it's partly true. one of her fears is that people won't see her love for brittany as being the same as everyone else's, better even. selfishly though, she's terrified of saying it outloud. she supposes she doesn't have to say it though.

"you know that amy winehouse song i always play, 'our day will come'?" santana wonders nervously. "i always think about you, and about us when i hear it. maybe ... maybe we could sing that." it terrifies her, but she promised herself she would be braver this year. brittany is worth it, she decides. though, she secretly hopes that the talk of 'love' in the song will be interpreted as platonic.

the words cut like knives, as santana's often did and rachel felt a tear roll down her cheek. finally, she'd made the step to kiss the other woman and she was rejected. hard. she didn't feel anything for her. at least, she said so. rachel didn't quite believe it, but what she did believe was that santana didn't want to feel anything for her. "it's not because you don't want to, that you don't." rachel said and looked at her. "i won't... tell. or anything." she spoke, not sure where to go from here. they had to sing this tomorrow. what would happen after this? would santana tell people? shame her? get her into trouble and with that, her fathers as well?

santana chews on her bottom lip as she watches rachel cry, and she casts her eyes downward, unable to bear the sight. santana feels completely terrified. rachel has this way of seeing right through her, and santana has no idea how she does it. "there's nothing to tell," she says weakly, in the most unconvincing way. she feels like she's breaking. she's held it in for so long, and now rachel was giving her the oppertunity to let it out. she was just too much of a coward to take it. "now," she sighs out, snapping the mask that she had momentarily let slip back on. "let's practice again ... it needs to be perfect." she isn't entirely sure why.

brittany feels santana tense. she figures that it's to be expected, that she's a little nervous about singing in front of the club again. they'd been in their little bubble all summer and they hadn't performed in front of people in ages. "well, yeah, but i mean... I've been practicing the rap part of sean paul like, all summer in the shower." she spoke, trying to ease santana's worries. "it'll be so good they'll have to let us sing." she spoke and hopped up on the bed, to sit on her knees and looked at santana eagerly. "you can be my beyoncé, it'll be so much fun!" she exclaimed at the girl who was finally, after all these years, her actual girlfriend. "i can't wait to tell the club about our awesome summer and then sing!"

she feels that familiar panic rising within her. her chest feels tighten as she wrings her hands together in her lap. it's all too much, too fast. it's everything she wants, but everything she's too scared to have.

still, she can't help but let a smile break when brittany admits she's been practicing sean paul's part of the song. it eases the tension within her for a moment, and some of the panic subsides.

"it does sound ... really fun, britt. i just don't think we should tell anyone about our summer. i think it should stay just for us, at least for a little while, okay?"

she hopes brittany understands what she's trying to say.

rachel's eyes blink open as she looks up at her duet partner. her crush. the meanest cheerleader in school. and of course, the words that follow aren't those she wants to hear. she feels her heart shatter and her big doe eyes fill with tears. she is the daughter of a single father, who now lives with his sister's widower. she knows she has two fathers, really, but no one can quite grasp that concept in society. she knows what it's like to be queer in this world. it's a world you've got to hide in, and she is so awfully familiar with that. her own father has noticed her tendencies towards the fairer sex and warned her that, if she had any way of falling for a man, she should avoid being queer. she wished she could, but it was santana that made it impossible.

"it isn't wrong." rachel said, softly. "it's... it's just what i feel. what we feel." she spoke and dared to reach out to take santana's hand. "don't deny it, i've... i've seen you look at me. as i look at you."

santana's heard the stories of people who feel this way. she's read about arrests and beatings. it makes her stomach twist to think about it, but it's all that runs through her mind as rachel speaks and reaches out for her hand. she yanks it away as if she had touched a hot flame, and shakes her head continuously.

"you haven't seen anything," santana argues through gritted teeth. of course, she's lying. santana feels everything rachel does, maybe even more so because sometimes it makes her feel as if she might die.

"i don't... i don't feel anything for you."

( 🎤 ) --- don't be cruel to a heart that's true.

date: tuesday, 3th of october, 1959 location: the choir room muses: rachel berry & santana lopez // @gleebitch

rachel hadn't meant to do it. later on, she'd probably blame it on the seductive tones of 'isn't it romantic' by vic damone and patti page, which they were preparing for their duet contribution to glee club. it was an ode to the 40s, they were doing and they'd been paired and assigned this song. they had a great time preparing this, surprisingly, dancing around each other and even... gosh, was that flirting that they were doing? rachel certainly had been making eyes at santana. ever since santana started to be kind of... nice to her, she couldn't resist it whenever she had an opportunity. sometimes. when no one else was watching, or at least - not as cruel. it had triggered something in rachel. a longing.

a longing that had now escalated to her lips pressing against santana's as the song died out and the room became quiet.

santana's no stranger to her feelings. she knows that, in the world they live in, she would be seen as clinically insane if someone could see into her mind. that's why she lives in a constant state of denial. it isn't easy though. sometimes she can't help but stare as a pretty girl walks by, or when the girl she swears she hates looks at her for a little too long.

it's even more difficult when they're alone; she wanted to curse mr. schue for pairing them up... and thank him too. she lets herself get completely lost in the moment, the music, and the girl. it isn't until her breath is ragged, the music fades and unfamiliar lips press against hers that she snaps herself out of the moment.

"no," santana breathes out, bringing her fingertips to her lips after giving rachel the gentlest of pushes. "no, this is wrong. i'm not like this, i'm not like you."

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( 🦆 ) — summer time's over.

date: end of summer location: brittany's bedroom muses: brittany pierce & santana lopez // @gleebitch

brittany was excited for the new school year. it was going to be their senior year, the final year in high school, and after that, she was sure she'd get a great job at the local petting zoo. or any petting zoo near where her super hot, super smart girlfriend was going to go study. at least, brittany thought that they were girlfriends now. it had never actually been said, at least not that she could remember - and she would remember. all summer had been about them. doing fun things together, actual dates... though never with or around people.

that would change soon when they went to school. brittany couldn't wait to do all the things with santana that she'd dreamed off. as they were lounging on her bed, brittany said - with a broad smile: "so, what should our first duet be in glee club. i kind of always think of you when i hear baby boy by beyoncé. we can make it baby girl." she mused happily.

santana is trying her best not to let the impending school year enter her mind. she's living in the most ignorant bliss with brittany, pushing all of her fears and anxities away. it probably isn't healthy, she knows that, but she's terrified of thinking of what her senior year will bring ... espeically after the intense summer her and brittany have spent together.

santana visibly tenses at brittany's words, the arm slung over the blonde's torse clinging just a little tighter. she's trying to be braver, she really is, but it's just so damn hard.

"i haven't really thought about it, britt," santana mumbles out, clearly her throat as she tries not to swoon at brittany's song of choice. "hell, berry probably won't let us anywhere near the spotlight this year. it'll be the finchel show."

she doesn't say that she's terrified, or that she's not ready to confess her love through song just yet but she doesn't. she doesn't want to hurt brittany again.