glashaut

i chose the lonely way, so here i go.

I don't think you're a bad person. You've helped me out so much and you're really caring. But I can't change how you feel about yourself.

i fail at trying every day.

why am i lying to myself? 

i should just acknowlegde that i’m not a person who is human in every senses.

compassionate, loving, caring.

all this is missing in me.

there is only hate and self pity and sadness and loneliness.

everything will be better.

but only in death. i’m longing for the day when i can finally rest my head, when my heart finally stops, when my thoughts finally stop racing.

because as it turned out one of my colleagues who intitally was working with me today, called in sick after two weeks of vacation. and the best thing is: she practically announced it on facebook. several other colleagues had seen prior to her call this morning that she posted a photo of the hospital from the outside on sunday. if i’d be sick  i’d definitely wouldn’t be posting any pictures, because, man, i would be totally occupied with feeling pain. and, like, her reason to call in sick was a cracked ear-drum? as far as i know this is something that is unbalancing your system so drastically that you’d NEVER be able to concentrate on anything different at the time being.

plus, i know she hates working in the service section. first she hated working in the market, then she was put into our department ( on her own wish ), and after realizing that things weren’t smoothe and easy-going here either, her only reaction is to call in sick because either her daughter is sick ( which is a lot ) or she herself had some drastic health problems ( stomach ulcers etc. ). i’m so sick of that. people can’t be sick every two weeks and if they are then it is a chronic condition. and she continually said that she rarely is sick. that’s too much of a coincidence for me, really.

if it’s stress that’s making her sick, okay, could very well be. i’m under permanent stress because of people like her, because i’m the one who always has to give up her day off or who always has to work overtime as i don’t accomplish my work anymore due to missing colleagues. with all the stress put on me, why am I not the one who already fainted or got sick or got any break-downs? i’m ALWAYS there, even if i have a cold.

and it’s so unfair, so damn unfair to the people who always have to quit their day off. 

i hate that some people have practically no sense of responsibility. i HATE my job, still i go there, because it’s my responsibility to do so, it’s because the money you receive at the end of each month has to be earned through working. if you do not work because you actually dislike it, instead of being actually sick, then don’t bother with this job and quit already. the money given to you is totally wasted, you don’t earn it at all, you piece of shit.

gosh, i’m SO ANGRY. it annoys the fuck out of me, because i KNOW she’s not being earnest with us. it’s either her fucking daughter, or herself. and i can’t hear it anymore. ‘my daughter is sick, why don’t you show at least a little bit of compassion? i was so sick, why aren’t you pitying me?’ NO. NO ONE PITIES ME! it makes me furious. i might not be sick a lot ( actually close to never ), but i am one of those persons who always has to suffer, be it working more hours, be it working all week long, without a day off.

and the worst of it all: everything is always in a state of uncertainty. we are already so underequipped with people, and everytime someone calls in sick it deranges the whole working plan! we don’t even know anymore where we can get a replacement from. it’s awful. and it’s sickening, really.

for some of you that might be true, but a lot of people never get to have better lives.

it is all based on fucking luck.

My daughter is a youth member of the local chapter of a nature enthusiasts group (don’t know how to translate its name). They regularly have barefoot walks in the forests around our city and she loves it. We should try it ourselves more often. Enjoy!

shorthandedly decided i’d walk without my shoes on, on the forest paths and it was really nice. you walk slower and notice more things.

i even saw a deer.

going on a walk.

ich hab in jedem meiner bewerbungen ein bisschen gelogen und übertrieben, das macht man einfach so. betrachte es als eine formalität. wie du tatsächlich arbeitest sehen die eh erst wenn du in der praxis bist!

of course, if you were to just drop everything, that’s not what i meant. but you can search for a new job on the side, can’t you?

well, then i would ask this: what have you got to lose?

a job that pays my rent and insurances. security. to start a job that i know nothing about... that would be suicide. because i get disheartened immediately if i’m not successful right away.

and the respect of my family. they were proud of me until now. they wanted me to be a lead person in my job. and now i’m continually disappointing them.

I mean, as someone who doesnt really often see my own positives, i know its hard, but time has shown me that this is something that both me and other people tend to overthink. Sometimes you just have to sell yourself.

selling yourself is incredibly hard if you don’t have anything to sell. you wrote that some employers even look for old hands or under pressure workers. i’d really like to say i possess these traits, but actually, i would be lying to him. when i’m under constant pressure i tend to fall apart. at least i’m good in routines, but that only works when i’m not under pressure. any employer loves to have people who can work well under pressure, but i am not one of those people they are searching for.