#soshaku

1. Myers-Briggs type? (Do you think it applies to you, in your own opinion?)

INFJ. (Introversion, Intuition, Sentiment, Judgement)

Tbh, yes. I could really recognize myself when I first read the description.

2. Belief system or philosophy you feel most connected to?

I wish I could answer to that. I don’t know as much about those as I’d wish so I don’t feel or know if my thoughts belong anywhere ... ?

I definitively need to learn about lot of things.

3. When traveling, what are the things / locations that you like to explore when sightseeing?

The streets. The hidden places. Mostly just wandering around to streets with not too much people around is great. Also gardens & parks.

& let’s not lie, shops.

Tbh, I’m not really into seeing the famous monuments & all... it’s not the absolute first thing I want to do. I have to admit I don’t think about museums first too, unless some very specifics museums that I always wanted to see, but I won’t search for which museums there are in the city I happened to come to.

4. A city or place that draws you in / repels you? (Why?)

Draws me in : London. I know how you absolutely do not like this city, sorry. I love it so much. Also haha... Tokyo. I would give an arm to go to Iceland & Ireland... those countries look like absolute heaven.

Repels me : anywhere hot. I’m becoming more & more sensitive to heat & the sun... I can’t stand it. I don’t think I could be able to enjoy & visit any country with too warm weather...

5. The book you’ve disliked the most?

... Hunger Games.

But. I absolutely didn’t dislike the content, the story or the characters. All those are really great. Like... awesome. & I absolutely adore the movies. Everything about Hunger Games is great, minus the writing. & this is why it was so painful to read it.

It’s just so poorly written, seriously... no vocabulary, no great syntax, nothing. All of it is clumsy and too simple, without any research on a “words” level. I seriously felt like I was reading something a 11yo made for school... But in fact, a lot of authors those days write like this in this kind of books. I just couldn’t forgive that particular one because the story was so great & I felt betrayed. So much great potential... wasted.

6. Do you have something you could describe as an alter ego, a different mode of being? How / under what circumstances does it manifest itself?

Yes indeed.

First, there’s the “monster”. The thing... that came and ate me until I was so depressed & ill. It doesn’t feel like myself, I dissociate from it. I can feel it taking control sometimes mostly when I’m tired, angry or really stressed. I hate it mostly because it represents all the dark parts of me... the ones I don’t want to acknowledge because I can’t accept that I could be so cruel. I blame it when I’m mean to people. It’s difficult to talk about it. There’s only one thing that can always calm it down. I think this is something you can figure out by yourself.

& there’s Sam. I can’t remember when he arrived, nor when I started to call him Sam. He’s calm and logical and he seems so nice & kind but he’s like that just to me. So I guess, he’s my selfish part. To anyone else, he looks terrible. When I first tried to explain all this to a friend, she thought Sam was indeed the monster. Because he doesn’t care about anyone. He puts me first every single time. I rely on him when I’m in too much anxiety or even panic. He’s the calm in the middle of the storm. The one who has no feeling nor attachement for anyone and who can take the hard decisions, who’s not impressed & who won’t cry for anyone.

Once again... it helps to give names to those parts & act like there are not parts of me, but individuals. Because then, I can be the nice one. This is twisted. ... It’s the first time I ever talk so freely about this so please be careful with those informations.

But then, I’m not even sure it answered your question.

7. Describe your relationship with yourself to an extent you are comfortable with.

Sometimes I hate myself. One of the reason above. Sometimes I don’t.

There are no real times when I like myself. But at least, I can deal with myself most of the time now. I’m learning to be okay with myself. I’m kind of okay. It’s sometimes hard to know myself so much & still ignore & don’t understand so much. 

Sometimes I’m really tired of my shit.

8. What do you consider your character faults?

I’m passive agressive. This is one of the thing I hate the most about myself. I’m so afraid of hurting people that I keep things too much and then I’m an absolute jerk and I treat people so badly because I can’t take it anymore but I’m still unable to just say it to their face. So I’m acting like my goddamned mother and spitting out sneaky hurtful comments ...

9. Is there a song or piece of music (or more than one) that in an abstract / sensory way has the ability to explain to some level who you are? Or a feeling you want to convey?

The first one that came to my mind is Rusty Nail, by XJapan. This is really difficult to explain but I know you're not expecting me to fully describe the feeling, are you ? I feel connected to this song. From the very first time I heard it. There are the lyrics, a bit. But the music... there’s something about this song. There’s something that I can connect to. There’s something that understands me.

I guess if I tried to think about it, I could find other songs but I feel like it’s cheating, so I’ll stop with just this one. If someone wants to know me, they should listen to Rusty Nail and close their eyes and feel it.

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I even had problems before that, and I'm glad that until you're 18, dental care is free here. But heredity is also a big factor in my case. Sigh.