BROKEN

               she  hadn’t  forgotten  the  date,  not  even  for  a  minute.  it  had  hung  all-too-present  in  her  mind  as  the  days  crept  forward  and  gideon  was  still  missing.  and  then,  when  he’d  returned,  christmas  eve,  she’d  actually  started  looking  forward  to  it.  of  course,  it  wouldn’t  be  an  anniversary  like  either  of  them  had  pictured,  but  at  least  he  would  be  here.  at  least  he  would  be  alive.  

               daisy  knew  she  should’ve  gone  to  find  him  a  long  time  ago,  as  soon  as  she’d  heard  of  his  return,  really,  but  a  crowd  of  excuses  and  doubts  had  stayed  her  feet.  she  should  give  him  his  space.  she  didn’t  know  what  she  would  say.  and  the  worst  of  all,  even  though  she  knew  it  wasn’t  true  –  what  if  he  didn’t  want  her  there  ?  she’d  spent  so  much  time  hoping  he  would  be  found,  and  now  that  it  had  happened,  she  didn’t  know  what  to  do.  

               but  today  she  wasn’t  going  to  let  her  doubts  and  worries  stop  her.  gideon  deserved  more  than  that,  especially  today.  so  when  everyone  else  headed  to  dinner  (  an  event  gideon  had  been  conspicuously  absent  from  )  she  was  a  woman  on  a  mission.  she’d  search  the  entire  castle  to  find  him  if  she  had  to.

               as  it  turned  out,  she  didn’t  have  to.

               as  soon  as  she  saw  him,  an  overwhelming  rush  of  relief  swept  over  her,  so  powerful  her  knees  threatened  to  give  way.  her  doubts,  so  daunting  before,  were  now  nothing  more  than  a  wisp  of  cloud  in  the  back  of  her  mind.  how  silly  she  was,  to  think  any  of  them  would  matter.  he  said  her  name,  and  some  tectonic  puzzle  piece  clicked  back  into  place.  her  world  shifted.  she  could  breathe  again.  she  hadn’t  realized  how  much  she’d  missed  him.  her  best  friend  was  here,  and  he  was  standing  in  front  of  her,  and  they  were  going  to  be  okay.  they  were  going  to  be  okay.

               ❛   —   gideon,   ❜   she  breathed,  and  then  her  feet  were  carrying  her  forward  and  she  was  throwing  her  arms  around  him,  burying  her  face  into  his  shoulder,  inhaling  his  scent,  and,  if  daisy  had  anything  to  say  about  it,  never  letting  him  go  again.   ❛   —   hi.   ❜

                   he  should’ve  run  the  moment  he  saw  her  .   he  wasn’t  ready  ,   not  like  this  .   the  sight  of  her  was  overwhelming  ,   it  was  intoxicating  and  painful  .   just  with  one  look  ,   she  had  reached  into  his  heart  and  taken  the  wheel  ,   leading  his  thoughts  ,   his  words  ,   his  actions  .   he  hadn’t  come  to  see  her  yet  ,   because  he  didn’t  want  to  hurt  her  ---  and  because  he  knew  he  wouldn’t  be  able  to  resist  her  if  he  did  .   and  he  was  right  .   she  had  such  a  tight  hold  on  him  ,   even  if  she  didn’t  know  it  .   and  he  never  wanted  her  to  let  go  .

                   the  sound  of  his  name  on  her  lips  was  like  muse  to  gideon’s  ears  ,   his  shoulders  collapsing  under  the  weight  .   she  was  almost  silent  and  it  was  deafening  .   she  really  was  his  siren  .   she  really  did  control  him  ,   in  what  was  once  a  beautifully  intricate  way  and  now  made  him  feel  trapped  ,   like  he  couldn’t  get  away  ---  because  leaving  her  now  would  be  criminal  .   he  was  frozen  by  her  .   right  up  until  she  stepped  towards  him  ,   both  arms  flung  around  his  neck  and  her  face  nuzzled  in  his  shoulder  .   this  felt  right  .  

                   and  with  that  ,   gideon  melted  ,   a  sense  of  relief  letting  go  of  him  so  quickly  that  he  almost  fell  into  her  ,   arms  wrapped  around  her  small  frame  .   he  couldn’t  stop  it  anymore  ,   couldn’t  stop  as  the  weight  of  EVERYTHING  seemed  to  come  crashing  down  around  him  .   his  head  fit  so  perfectly  around  hers  ,   face  buried  in  her  hair  where  he  was  able  to  breathe  her  in  ,   as  if  he  were  breathing  fresh  air  for  the  first  time  .   being  with  her  ,   having  her  hold  him  like  this  felt  more  like  home  than  the  doorstep  he  had  been  dumped  on  ,   and  for  the  first  time  since  he’d  been  back  ,   he  could  feel  his  throat  close  in  and  his  eyes  burn  hot  .   daisy  had  always  been  his  safe  space  ,   he  could  talk  to  her  about  things  he  couldn’t  even  talk  to  fabian  or  molly  about  .   and  in  her  arms  yet  again  ,   he  felt  that  ---  he  felt  safe  enough  to  collapse  ,   to  dampen  her  hair  with  his  tears  and  allow  a  sob  to  release  from  his  throat  .  

               lachlan loosed a huff of breathe that, to the right ear, could’ve been interpreted as laughter. it chimed in with gideon’s chuckle and faded out before it, too; lachlan felt an itch under his skin and knew it probably wasn’t anything compared to what gideon was feeling.   “ all I know to ask are stupid questions, “   he muttered.   “ haven’t you heard the way flitwick gets on my case about ‘em? “   lachlan belatedly pulled his lighter out and thought to himself, cynical even in his own mind: penance for thinking to ask something so stupid. the cigarette felt right when it brought it up to his mouth.   “ but, alright, alright. consider my mouth zipped tight as it can be. I’ve got two sisters, y’know, I can trust that that threat’s not made in vain   —   knowing you’ve got two siblings yourself. last thing I need’s my own death before I even get the chance to bomb my n.e.w.t.s. “  

       gideon knew lachlan was trying --- trying what little energy gideon was giving him, stepping around him as if he were surrounded by glass. which perhaps he was. and perhaps gideon liked it that way. offering lachlan as much of a bemused smile as he could, gideon hid yet again behind a cloud of smoke, watching as it drifted into the cool night air, aimless.  ❛ and yer n.e.w.t.s are important now, are they? here i’d assumed most people were wishing to be taken out before the exams. ❜  exams --- so mundane, a laughable thought in the new life of gideon prewett. he hadn’t even thought about them since he’d been back, and the idea that someone actually cared amidst everything else seemed ridiculous.  ❛ i can say with absolute certainty that any threat i’ve received from molly would 100% be followed out. mine, i’m not so sure. ❜

my dearest daisy. one year ago today, january 4th 1977. that will always be one of my favourite dates, i think. i know. would it be cliche to say that when you said yes, you made me the happiest man alive? i’m always a cliche when it comes to you. it’s a good thing nothing else matters when i’m with you, or else i might be inclined to feel embarrassed. 

i don’t know what to say. how to write. i wasn’t good with words before, and i’m no better now. i have so much i think i need to say, so much that is eating at what is left of me. but i need to say something, because moving on as if this date is nothing would be impossible. you mean so much more to me than i think you’ll ever know, and you deserve to be told the truth.

and maybe that’s what i’m trying to say. that you deserve the entire world, and more. i always thought you were too good for me, did you know that? did i tell you that enough? did i tell you enough that the moment you agreed to go out with me, you were it, you were my priority and my focus and soon enough i came to realise that you might just be the love of my life. then again, i’m just 17 18, what do i know about love? all i know is that i love you like i’ve never loved anyone before. and that means you’ll always be special to me, because i know i’ll never love anyone else the same. that’s what’s so special about love, you see. it’s unique. no love is ever the same. i like to think ours is pretty damned special, though.

i don’t remember much these last few months, daisy. and i’m not writing to you to explain my sob story. but i want you to know that in one way or another, you kept me grounded in reality when i thought i was dead. because i knew that you were real, that we were real. that no matter where i was, you were still there, somewhere, even if i wasn’t there with you. i can’t even properly express what that feeling was like --- the feeling of you, everywhere, when all i felt was pain.

but that’s the thing. all i felt was pain. for four months. and i think that it’s changed me more than anyone ever expected it to. more than maybe it should’ve. i’ve been broken down to someone you wouldn’t recognise. and maybe that’s part of the reason i haven’t come to see you --- i’m afraid of who you’ll see when you look at me. because it’s not me anymore. you will always be the daisy i fell in love with, but i will never again be the gideon you fell for. my bed feels empty without you in it, but my love for you was never about me. it’s always about you. and i can’t do that to you. i can’t pretend that it’s the same, and i’m afraid of who i am to you now. i’m afraid you won’t want me. i’m afraid of who i am.

this isn’t a break up, not really. because i think the real ‘break up’ happened back on august 4th, when i stopped existing as the boy i once was. i love you, daisy. i will always love you, in some way. but you can’t love me anymore --- and that’s okay. 

and i’m sorry.

i hope this isn’t goodbye. i’m just not ready yet.

all my love, gideon

gideon didn’t have to draft any letters before he wrote this one. he didn’t often write, but when he did, he just wrote. there was no such thing as a first draft or a second draft, there was just the letter. and it was imperfect, of course it was, but it was real --- and daisy hookum deserved real. he hadn’t even waited to write it, either ( it was written only a week after he was returned to his doorstep ) but he waited to deliver it. he needed the timing to be right, that stupid romantic heart of his. no matter how broken he was, he understood the importance of things that were once everything to him. and january 4th was once the only date that mattered. even back in july, only seven months into their relationship, gideon had been thinking about this exact date, about what he would do to commemorate the year that they had spent together. i’m so glad you took a chance on me, he would say, floating candles surrounding their little space, just the two of them. i love you. and i can’t wait for another year.

there was never a time where gideon was going to let this date pass without notice. as soon as he’d been grounded, realised how soon that date really was, he’d begun writing. he couldn’t bear to see her, but he couldn’t bear to ignore her. and he hoped beyond all reason that he had explained that, enough, that she understood why he’d been avoiding her for this long. how he wished that he could just go running back into her arms, to collapse and allow her to ground him like she did even when she wasn’t there, but that was selfish. and gideon might’ve changed a lot, but he would always put others before himself --- especially her.

he didn’t want an owl to deliver it, though. or even a friend. that felt impersonal, it felt wrong. perhaps it was a stupid idea, but he wanted to leave it on her pillow himself, he wanted to press a kiss against where her head had been, to take a moment to envelope himself in her scent. it was definitely a stupid, love-blind idea, but it was one he insisted on. as he walked quietly through the castle, the rest of the students and staff well into their dinner feast ( he hadn’t eaten much since his return, so he didn’t feel as if he were missing out ), his heart seemed to race, the idea of being so close to where she had been so intoxicating. whispering the password to the ravenclaw portrait, which he had acquired through the pity of a sixth year, gideon stepped inside, inhaling a deep breath and charging forward --- directly into daisy herself.

his heart stopped. everything stopped. his eyes immediately locked onto hers, mouth forming a small ‘o’, refusing to release the breath he had just drawn in. it was really her. she looked as beautiful as ever. her eyes had him locked, unable to move as if she were a siren and he was her pirate. the letter hung stupidly from his hands, brushing delicately on her coat. they were so close. he didn’t know what to say, how to breathe. he was frozen.  ❛ daisy, ❜  he whispered, her name like honey on his tongue.  ❛ hi. ❜

i’m fallin’ again, i’m fallin’ again, i’m fallin’

                           gideon thundered up the stairs of the small prewett home, a wide grin gracing his rather attractive features. spending the day with his beloved daisy often had that effect on him. that of euphoria, of walking on air, of dancing with an angel. she turned him into a cliche, that girl --- and he wouldn’t have it any other way. it was with that same wild smile that he came crashing into molly’s room with, a short rap on the door her only indication that he was coming in. skipping across the room, he leapt over her and crashed into the wall, landing as gracefully as he could on the small bed beside her.  ❛ hiya, molls, ❜  he greeted, digging his fist into her side where he knew she was ticklish.  ❛ and how was your day? did you join fab at whatever rally he was attending this time? ❜

                   “ I wasn’t gonna ask how you were doing, “   lachlan protested while that very question died down his throat. alright   —   sue him. lachlan knew, logically, how lame the question was. he’d hated hearing it himself last spring, even if his family had been the only ones who knew to ask; he couldn’t picture getting it from the whole castle. hell, he’d fought very hard to keep his name from news of the accident to prevent it.   “ this is just   …   y’know, prime smoking spot. “   hastily he lugged a battered pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, waving them in gideon’s direction. an excuse that he hoped his housemate would let slide. maybe if lachlan thought really hard about how this wasn’t morbid curiosity, or pity   —   the sentiments would reach gideon, like telepathy, legilimency.   “ but I can move if you want. “ 

        a small, reflex chuckle fell from gideon’s lips, the trail of smoke following shortly after. the response from his dorm mate had come quick, far too quick to have been the truth. a small part of gideon couldn’t blame him, or the myriad of others who had asked before him --- of course they were going to be curious. the question they asked wasn’t so much ‘ how are you ’ as much as it was ‘ what was it like ’. and gideon never wanted to answer that question --- ever. looking up at lachlan, gideon’s stone cold features barely made a dent of any emotion, but his head nodded as if to say fine.  ❛ c’mon, hawthorn. come have a smoke, then. jus’ don’t go askin’ stupid questions, or i might be forced to kill ya in your sleep. don’t forget, we’re back to sharing a room now. ❜

❛   lately i’ve fancied myself a risk taker so,  ❜   odette sidestepped out from the shadows, nervously tucking a loose strand of her silver pale hair behind her ear as she slowly surveyed him. the contrast between her memories of the handsome boy and the shell of a human that now stood only a few feet away from her was startling, chills rolling down her spine, wicked scenarios rolling through her head as she pondered what exactly they’d done to him. and yet, amidst the pit of despair shone a light, the relief of his return. she’d known all too well what it looked like when others weren’t so lucky. ❛   MAYBE you’re right. i probably shouldn’t stick around. figured i just had to see you with my own two eyes. to see you back. anyway… yeah.       ❜

             gideon turned at the sound of her voice, familiar and yet far away. her white hair shone the same colour as the snow, her piercing eyes glancing over him, trying to figure him out. gideon almost laughed. he wasn’t to be figured out, not anymore.  ❛ nice to know yer still around, miss doge. ❜  gideon spoke slowly, his fingers playing delicately with the cigarette before bringing it back to his lips. it felt almost cruel to sit here, in front of her. surely he was nothing but a wicked reminder of what she could’ve had, a brother returned, even if bruised. allowing the blanket of silence to settle over them, gideon nearly didn’t say anything. she’d be better off talking to anyone but him. old habits die hard. gideon found it impossible to leave her alone.  ❛ BACK is a very loose term. i mean... i’m here. but i don’t know if i’m back just yet. ❜

           。•  * ☪      ❛     i  don’t  give  a  shit  how  you’re  doin’      ,       ❜     he  warned  in  that  drawling  voice  of  his      ,      obviously  lying  despite  the  conviction  in  his  demeanor       .      it  was  all  he  really  cared  about                but  it  was  a  question  he  already  knew  the  answer  to       ,      and  it  sure  as  shit  wasn’t  that  he  was  fuckin’  dandy     .      ❛     i  just  wanted  to  bum  a  cig     .       ❜        fabian  could  tell  his  brother  was  more  anger  than  blood      .      everyone  could       .      it  was  odd     ,     and  slightly  terrifying     ,      to  stand  beside  his  twin  and  not  know  what  he  was  going  to  say  or  what  he  was  going  to  do      .     bloody  hell     ,     he  could  set  the  whole  damn  castle  on  fire  and  fabian  would  be  simply  blink     ,     an  ‘i  should’ve  known’   falling  from  his  mouth      .       ❛     want  me  to  get  lost       ?       ❜

        relief  flooded  gideon’s  bones  at  the  sound  of  the  familiar  voice  ,   as  biting  as  ever  in  the  equally  biting  chill  of  the  december  air  .   four  months  hadn’t  changed  fabian  like  it  had  his  brother  ---  everything  gideon  saw  was  seen  through  new  eyes  now  ,   even  his  own  twin  who  stood  over  him  at  this  moment  .   but  it  was  just  fabian  .   gid  didn’t  have  to  pretend  with  him  .   he  would  always  try  his  damned  hardest  to  be  transparent  with  him  ,   his  second  half  (  even  if  maybe  fabian  didn’t  see  it  that  way  anymore  )  .   ❛  here  ,   ❜   gideon  replied  ,   holding  out  one  of  his  cigarettes  for  fabian  to  take  .   ❛  think  of  it  as  a  late  birthday  present  ,   eh  ?   s’all  i  can  afford  right  now  .   ❜   in  other  word  ,   please  don’t  leave  .   please  never  leave  .

        gideon’s head fell back into his hands as he slumped further into the desk. he was tired of this — no, he was exhausted. the officers had had him here for an hour now. at least, he assumed they had. his concept of time had been warped since he’d been back, a second felt like an hour and an hour felt like a minute. but the clock on the wall had tried its best to keep him steady, to keep him grounded in some semblance of reality.