this wasnt in the manual

i feel like an alien among my peers (moving a ton and having no hometown doesnt help) and so far have found my deepest friendships in those w middle aged women 😭 .which is fucking awesome dont get me wrong but i wish i couldve had the maturity of a kid and not a traumatized one who got abused for not being mature enough. i achieved my dreams and got away and had a total fucking breakdown for 2 years just processing things. made things extremely worse going back home and confronting my mom, she broke down (and apologized sincerely!), my siblings wouldnt talk to me as punishment for rocking the boat, my dad wasnt even there but saw my mom crying afterwards and directly told me that im messed up and need to fix myself and if i ever upset my mom like that again he'll physically remove me from their house. that was like 6 months ago and im still trying to wrap my head around everything, not just that but my whole life. i dont want to interact with anything anymore and want to exist as a dissociative leaf tumbling through the wind but alas the world needs me presently. oh yeah also before all that happened i had a psychotic episode and was talking to my parents abt my #dead sister and my dad told me it was his fault she died cuz he wasnt home and he just wanted a son so they kept having kids and also he doesnt actually know how she died and he doesnt wanna know to spare himself from the trauma. said thank god he didnt have a son because he would've fucked him up 😐 do you guys see what im dealing with here like it's comedic at this point