MASSIVE SUICIDE WARNING... GENUINELY PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE OK WITH THIS!!!
MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING!!! I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING!!! YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ THIS!!!
I can't believe I'm really going to do this.
No need to like. No need to comment. Do what you need to do. I shouldn't even tell you I'm leaving. Maybe I'm a POS cus I want folks to know exactly what happened that made me leave.
It's so likely no one will read this cus length.
JFC WHY HAVE YOU GOTTEN THIS FAR? THIS IS SO FUCKING TRIGGERING FOR SUICIDE AND I'M ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT THE WORST PARTS OF MY LIFE!!! ALSO: GUNS CUS OMFG AM I OPINIONATED AND SEVERAL YEARS AGO SOMEONE SUGGESTED I'D ADD TO ANTI-GUN ARGUMENTS BUT THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENING AND I GENUINELY THOUGHT I'D SWITCH OBSESSIVE INTERESTS CUS GUNS ARE GENUINELY KINDA COOL AND USEFUL TOOLS BUT HIGH-CAPACITY MAGS ARE NOT USEFUL FOR ANYTHING THAN MAYBE PRACTICE/TRAINING. THERE IS A PHOTO AT THE END DEPICTING A GUN!!! PLEASE DON'T HURT YOURSELF BY READING FURTHER! I JUST NEED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEHOW PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORGIVE ME. DON'T WISH ME TO HEAVEN (I DON'T WANNA LIVE FOREVER)! I JUST WANT TO RETURN TO DUST AND (MAYBE) FEED SOME TREES (trees alone won't fix this shit, the ocean produces more oxygen, I just like trees and the idea of growing into a native tree and contributing to the local ecosystem)!!! SCIENCE IS GREAT TOO, IF NOT BETTER!!!
I just need someone to know what hurt me. I hope it makes people build themselves up strong. I hope it makes people fight for people like me. (And that doesn't mean banning guns... Though I am for gun control and it's hilarious that people are screaming about gun control and the magazine limit is mostly reasonable (I'd go 15 rounds, which is the usual limit for a handgun with a double stack is usefull in training (also: spiral mags for handguns are ridiculous and not realistic in use for pistols esp concealed carry (as open carry is kinda scary and concealed has to be small) so <10 is preferable... While handguns are dangerous (ie... that they can kill someone), I support the concept of handguns for self defense as a well-trained individual who doesn't even have a gun can take down a person with one... as seen in two mass shootings that stick in my brain ("Safeway Shooter" as I am born/in Bend, OR and know folks who went to school with this guy... and the Club Q Shooting (? I'm drunk and stoned and tired... but we all know what I'm talking about if I got the name slightly wrong???) because it was a direct attack on my community blamed on my demographic (really, TRANS WOMEN cus it's largely them who are at risk of murder, we just get poorly treated because folks recognize that we've been treated at women and henceforth taught to be submissive... so we... ya know? Men have a fairly high success rate and I'm a runt... That passes like 2% of the time... which is handy to keep up the appearance of a "nuclear" family? Killing folks like me are consolation, because they dgaf about us and think we're broken girls running away from our vulnerable traumatized bodies (ie... sick and curable) while trans women are the target).
IF I'M NOT HELPFUL TO SCIENCE/LIVING HUMANS DESTROY MY BODY IN WHATEVER WAY IS CHEAPEST. AND IF YOU CAN, TAKE ME TO ANY OLD, MOSSY OREGON FOREST... IDGAF IF BUGS EAT MY ASHES, JUST DON'T SCATTER ME AMONGST WEEDS?
I can't leave without letting people know I'm gone.
I'm sorry. I probably should have just disappeared into obscurity. (Why the fuck am I doing this? Maybe I just NEED people to know why I did it)
TW Medical abuse, sexual(?) assault?
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Lichen Sclerosis. Things were already bad before they. I got hazed by folks at work but I think the doctor was the last straw. I was upset before that but she really traumatized me. If this falls on anyone's shoulders, I hope it's hers. I hope she loses her licence. She deserves it. She's a bigot.
I went to her after a biopsy diagnosing the illness. I guess it's not white enough... just red. I hope people will recognize that this illness can be like this. She blamed my hormones - the nurse that sent me to her blamed my hormones but vaginal atrophy looks nothing like LS on biopsy (the woman who did the biopsy was really kind and I'm really grateful that she cared enough to biopsy... I knew I was doing to be shocked by whatever the results were cus we'd already ruled out the usual suspects and it just wouldn't stop with 3 medications... I also knew I was fucked when she gave me the DX because while they look othing alike on pathology they are also clinical mimics (that's the irony, Vaginal Atrophy is more white).
She used a normal speculum... docs tend to use a child-sized one for me because it's so inflamed. She didn't use lube - literally did not and both conditions tend to be dry (though I'm not, it's just so fucking irritated and high-friction. I'm not sure I remember everything else right cus at that point I dissociated a bit. I do remember that it felt like forever. She did it on purpose, she wanted to hurt me. She said basically nothing during the exam and I've never, in 22 years had an exam like that. Her name was Tammy Bull and if you are in Bend DO NOT SEE HER (I already warned the nurse that wrote the referral (not the one who suggested her as I think she's a TERF too cus they both had the same opinion and suggested the same thing (that T made me post-menopausal, which... that's not how it works! esp with bleeding and pelvic pain (both of which proven to at least sometimes be caused by ovulation but given she Dr Bull believe I wasn't ovulating... are red flag signs together... and holy fuck how I wished it was pre-cancer because that's curable... but people hear "cancer" and think it's the worst case scenario when maybe LS is because it increases the cancer risk and can't be cured..?
I'm not even brave enough to get another one though I went to another doc after her who I saw during the pregnancy with my son (I was so determined to reclaim my vulva). She's one of two docs (my Endo is the other) who has never misgendered me. My therapist even calls me "she" knowing that causes me dysphoria.
I emailed my husband and I hid some of this (?) cus I don't want my therapist or my mother blamed.
But most folks contributed to this. They're just going to be hurt enough about this and I don't want to add to that. My therapist will take awhile to realize I'm dead unless someone tells her... cus we don't have a scheduled appointment and it'll be awhile before she asks if I need one... if she ever does. She wanted to keep up with me cus (I think) she believes I'm healing... that I'm getting better... and I was before this doctor. Life was getting better and better and I went back to work... I was so excited to get off disability and live a normal life.
The last two years broke me, piece by piece. Lots of things happened that made it clear I have to hide... the doc just hurt me so bad... I didn't see it coming... I blame myself... It's been so long since I've felt like this... I have PTSD from it. I feel exactly like I did after being raped.
It's funny cus people like to think trans guys(masc) transition to avoid rape but I saw Boys Don't Cry at like 13-14 and it scared the hell out of me. I don't love the guy the movie is about... he fucked up dating a minor... I hate he's the story people know of us... but people are people and we're all fucked up (idek how I feel about it totally, I actually don't know enough about it). I think had I heard his story other than the trauma I would have said "I'm that" essentially but I didn't want to be hurt for it... and like I've done with most trauma... It became a kink (AND I FUCKING HATE THAT - the sexual trauma happened so early... I can't enjoy sex without feeling powerless... and I'm so grateful that I found someone willing to let me direct that part of our lives and is SO aware of if I'm ok with what's going on that he stops instantly when I'm not feeling ok... cus I'd let him, cus I have with so many lovers - I regret that I really don't feel that same pull to sex that he does, but after 12 years I have finally started to desire it, specifically with him... only him... maybe I'm Demi like I thought so many years ago? But it doesn't matter).
The last few years I've felt (repeatedly) that my life doesn't matter. Some folks care about trans folks, and I'm so glad those who do want to fight for trans women - trans WoC are at the biggest risk... but we all have high suicide rates... and there's a reason for it...
There's no place that's safe for us. Even our own community hates us, and binary trans folks hate those of us who aren't binary.
There's so much hate in the world. THERE'S SO MUCH LOVE TOO.
I hope people keep fighting - I hope they fight out of love. I hope someday there's space for us in this world. It's not our faults that our brains don't match our genitals.
We didn't choose to exist. We can't be wiped out. The can't kill us all. All manor of queer have always existed. And we always will. Even if they could kill us all, we'll still be born from heterocis folk. We will never disappear.
And I just hope someday folks won't have to feel being trans is dangerous. I hope someday they won't feel like being known as trans will ruin their entire life.
I wish I didn't have to say this: I died because I'm trans. I died because the way people left me, the way people hurt me, the way people judged my kin because I'm fucked up... cus I'm trans... is why I left.
I broke because of how people treated me because of that. The straw was recognizing that no matter how much compassion I have, no matter how hard I try to be kind to everyone around me... my personality is a problem too... because I care too much.
I quit T and it's been downhill since then. When I decided to quit, I knew I would eventually commit. I can't live like this. "If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead"... I'll feel nothing.
I hope the Bible is at least right that those who don't go to heaven just return to the earth... in that I hope I become dust, part of the dirt. I hope I just stop existing and there's nothing beyond this for me. I don't want to live forever, even in bliss. I just want it to all stop.
I've wanted it for a long time. It's funny cus I was so afraid of being murdered as a kid cus a person who molested me (I think?) told me that people would want to kill me if they knew what we did (he did?). I was terrified. I prayed so much about it. I had nightmares about it. I blocked so much of it out that I could only stitch together the pieces.
I wish I could heal and not do this.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to die.
(you'd say "you don't have to"... and I know cus a few months ago one of my system members took control of the mouth and literally said "you don't have to die" while I was compulsing like I do (saying "I wanna kill myself" from the anxiety). I've been fighting the good fight about that for years... sometimes I accomplish just saying "I wanna (kill my anxiety/) be calm".
I broke today cus I pissed off a coworker while being me (a SJW... aka a person that cares about injustice - but I also just care about people... I don't care if they're the majority, I will fight for them... marginalization upsets me so much because I believe EVERYONE deserves mutual respect if they aren't hurting anyone... and by hurting, I mean being bigots or intentionally traumatizing folks --- Cus we all hurt people. We're all problematic. We're all flawed... I just want people to have more compassion for everyone including themselves.) and my OCD can't handle upsetting people cus I don't want to add to the pain... because we're ALL hurting and I just wish we could all be ok.
He's been trying to upset me, I think, for awhile. I thought initially that he was trying to be like "you don't need to be like that cus I don't hate white folks" but I'm not sure. I don't think he's a bigot, per se (who knows really, I'm not in his head)... it seems like he tries hard to be nice to people and I've always appreciated that. I actually really like him as a person and even if we don't agree I do like having genuine conversations with folks about difficult subjects... because it increases my understanding, cus I like to think we all have a piece that contributes to the answer to society's problems.
I hate the political division because I really believe that if we would just talk to each other with the understanding we give those we love... we'd find that no matter where we stand, we have so much in common.
Like... I'm killing myself for one of the reasons that people do shootings --- We feel like there's no place for us, that we're alone, that we'll never find our place, our people.
The difference, I believe, is some folks believe they deserve things life will not just hand them (entitlement, probably from privilege) and some of us feel like we deserve it (and we kill ourselves cus we see no way out... no way the world will make space for us).
Idgaf if this is seen as whiney or immature or selfish. It doesn't matter because by now I'm long dead. I can't hear your complaints or judgements. So feel whatever.
My only regret is that I've hurt some good people, people I love, people I never wanted to leave, who I wanted to give everything to, who I wanted to live for.
I genuinely didn't want to die. I really did get to that place... I'm just too sensitive and too weak to survive. I'll be driving drunk after I queue this... in a place where there shouldn't be anyone else driving... to make sure I'm not found. Even with my .45 (RIP my 1911 that will never be taken home... I really bought it cus I thought I'd live and it's a beautiful gun), I'm not sure I'll die if I'm found... and I don't want to survive a bullet to the brain. I'm already disabled enough and I don't want that too. (To be clear, disabled folks are awesome and we ALL deserve the right to exist and Thrive)
I just can't live in this world. I can't cope with being reminded that not only does the world at large not give a fuck about my life, but also that people like me are used as a scapegoat to hurt others.
We did nothing wrong with existing and wanting to be able to be genuinely ourselves. Being trans and NB hurts no one. I grew up not knowing what queer was, and no one made me this.
I truly believe the de-trans community contains a LOT of folks that have never transitioned and are just faking it online to demonize the trans community. I do believe there are folks who made mistakes, who misunderstood their identities... who are genuinely suffering because it wasn't right for them, I just think a lot of folks in prominent communities are (essentially) TERFs trying to burn the whole ship and turn people against the trans community.
I stopped T but I'm trans. I'm trans-masc and I always knew I'm not "male" really, because that's only close to how I feel. The greatest help I've actually ever had from the community at large to parsing it though... to recognize that I really wanted T... was the euphoria, defining if someone is trans by the gender euphoria.
I'm very DEEPLY trans masc (and yes, I like the inclusion of that, I don't think it considers us our sex organs, just where we're closest on the binary spectrum... which trust me I know it's not detailed enough, but neither is how we view sexuality)... I do very much identify off that spectrum but the euphoria I feel from someone simply calling me "he" (specifically a stranger, which doesn't happen often) is so incredible that when though I am very pleased when I'm called "they" and I prefer that cus I consider it more accurate... I also recognize that FtM is just a sliver wrong because being seen as male feels like home.
I wanted to detransition and fight for US, that's what I told myself to soften the blow...
but the closest is suffocating and I can't live like this, knowing I'm not really welcome in society.
I'm really fucking up by doing this. I'm really awful. I shouldn't do this. I'm leaving behind people that need me.
I'm willing to accept I'm a selfish piece of shit knowing that I won't have to feel that guilt after I'm gone.
when they heal (or forget) they'll likely find that it's better without me.
I just wish they had never known me at all.
It's so fucking funny that this is the shirt I'm leaving in.
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