Gonna put tea in your socks

your honor I did not kill that man, I merely whacked his peepee

They just invented the world’s fastest sandwich. They’re calling it the autobáhn mì

"You can't ship those characters because they have a problematic height gap" well, strictly speaking we can't ship one of them. The other is well within the size and weight limits of most domestic parcel couriers.

Things were absolutely happening in the Middle Ages. The Byzantines started shooting magic fire out of a hose at people for example

Man who hates the very concept of life and all living beings: I should design portal websites for colleges and job applications

Someone will say "as a queer person in the heart of empire, my life is in danger every day" and you'll find out they're a developer for Amazon and live in San Francisco or Seattle or some shit, and then you'll meet a trans girl from Alva, OK who's like "Yeah, things are pretty good. AutoZone moved me to full-time."

“did you bring protection?” “don’t worry babe” *pours salt in a circle around bed*

My secret is that I actually know exactly how to make automated machines in Minecraft but I just don’t want to.

Everybody say "thank you south america" for the humble potato

getting into linguistics sucks because you will start listening to your friends' conversations thinking "wow! your vowels are fascinating!" but obviously you can never tell them this because you'll sound like a madman. and god forbid you ever meet a non-native speaker, because you'll start looking like a racist pervert every time they use non-standard grammar.

“word hashtag my word #myword” has done irreversible damage to my vocabulary

Sober as fuck at the back of the club going onto Wikipedia and typing "List of birds"

a dnd character whos campaign ended is a type of dead wife