shadow.

     a large kitchen knife in hand — she might have forgotten to put it back down after she finished chopping the veggies up. but... it adds to the aesthetic, really. “i’ve been told that i can’t be intimidating because i look too cute to be scary ?? that’s BULLSHIT !!” heartbreaking past aside, byeol was sure that was the main reason why people don’t feel uncomfortable whenever they hang around her, even for a couple of minutes.

     “like... —— do they just want me to... hurt them ?? BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. not that hard to do.” right. she already said too much, but who cares ?? it’s not like she was ashamed of anything pertaining to her teenage and younger adult years. she was a firm believer that these things were happening more often than anyone could believe they did. “just because i look like... quote: ‘a cutie with theeee nicest smile’ — said by a disgusting dickbag, by the way — doesn’t mean i can’t fuck anyone up !! come on !! they don’t want to see the bad side of me, i can tell you that !!”

not me wanting to delete the muses that i have never used or don’t have any muse to write and having a very hard time actually doing so 

⌜ misun⌟ ✦ * ·  ˚ musings .

⌜ kimmy⌟ ✦ * ·  ˚ musings .

    it  had  been  a  rough  transition  period  for  her  when  mira  left,  so  much  so  that  it  felt  like  a  huge  part  of  her  heart  left  with  the  older  woman  -  and  made  her  realise  just  how  much  she  truly  loved  her.  more  than  she  should  have.  hyeri  had  no  idea  why  she  left  in  the  first  place,  the  company  providing  no  answer  for  the  eight  girls  who,  while  all  had  different  opinions  and  responses  to  mira  leaving,  were  all  equally  confused  at  the  beginning.  of  course  hyeri  wanted  to  take  the  blame  in  her  own  head..  she  struggled  a  lot  and  mira  was  always  there  to  comfort  her.  whether  it  was  hyeri  clinging  to  her  hand  to  keep  her  own  from  shaking  too  much  on  stage  or  in  interviews,  or  simply  toying  with  her  fingers  in  the  studio  to  keep  her  mind  on  track  and  to  make  sure  she  didn’t  spiral  in  any  way.

     of  course  she  wanted  answers.  now  that  they  were  slowly  starting  to  talk  to  each  other  again,  getting  used  to  each  other’s  presence..  hyeri  just  wanted  to  know  the  real  reason.  “i  don’t  know.”  she  shrugged,  her  own  eyes  welling  up  at  the  intrusive  thoughts  that  had  been  in  her  head  for  months  and  months  since  the  other  idol  left.  “none  of  us  knew  the  reason..“  gaze  moves  from  her  hands  to  look  at  mira,  bottom  lip  trembling  as  she  tried  to  refrain  from  the  waterworks  as  she  explained  everything.  “jiyeon  called  you  selfish..  said  you  should  have  stuck  it  all  out  for  the  sake  of  us.  of  the  group.”  it  probably  wasn’t  right  to  tell  mira  this,  but  it  wasn’t  like  the  other  starlite  member  was  nice  when  it  came  to  mira.  “and  honestly?”  she  sniffed.  “i  believed  it  for  a  while.  that  you  just  fucked  us  over  and  because  you  always  stood  out  the  most…  that  you  wanted  the  spotlight  all  to  yourself.”  it  was  hard  admitting  this  all,  hand  moving  to  rub  at  her  cheeks  roughly  to  rid  of  the  tears.  “b-but  then  i  watched  you  perform  by  yourself..  and  i  understood  it.  i  understood  why  you  left…  and  you  looked  so,  so  happy.”  it  had  been  a  while  since  hyeri  had  truly  felt  that  for  herself  too.

      “i  guess  i’m  just  trying  to  say  i  don’t  resent  you..  whether  you  left  because  of  me  or  not…  i’m  so  proud  of  you.”  that  was  evident  enough  by  how  they  reconnected,  with  how  eager  hyeri  had  actually  been  to  talk  to  her  when  she  met  her  backstage.  she  missed  a  lot  when  it  came  to  the  older  woman..  their  late  night  talks,  the  comfort  she  got  from  her,  being  babied  between  her  and  their  leader…  there  was  a  lot.  “i  always  want  to  be  by  your  side..  i  always  will  be.  i  promise  i’ll  be  there  for  you.”  shuffling  closer  on  the  couch,  her  arms  opened  up  for  mira,  a  shaky  breath  leaving  her  lips  to  try  and  contain  her  tears.  

          “you’ve  always  been  my  favourite  out  of  the  other  girls…  and  i  missed  you  so  much.”

     as if feeling like she’s been shot through the heart wasn’t enough, hearing that no one ever told the members anything made mirae feel like the remains were just driven over with a steamroller, no safe pieces left. “—— they didn’t tell you anything ?? these motherfu...” the performer grumbled under her breath, not wanting to interrupt the other for now. 

     to be quite honest, she had no idea how to react; whether to feel resentment towards her old management team, or something else, something that she couldn’t put a finger on — a mix of disappointment and wanting to go back there and start a fight, perhaps. it’s always the shortest ones being feisty like that, right ?? for a good reason !!

     “i was selfish, yes. but was i supposed to stay with all of you when i felt like i was drowning ?? i would only drag you down with me, and that’s something i never wanted to do,” truth be told, jiyeon might have been right. mira being selfish wasn’t anything new — she’s been told by multiple people that she can only think about herself, unprovoked. 

     maybe it was just a tactic to keep her humble ?? she doesn’t know. it’s all a blur these days. working in such a toxic industry as this one was bound to pick her apart and strike where it hurt. her ego ?? bruised. her confidence ?? held together by pieces of metaphorical duct tape. 

     watching hyeri get so emotional made mirae lose her cool; her own eyes welling up with tears, tiny fists gripping the fabric of her sweater, making her knuckles go nearly white. “how many times do i have to tell you that i did not leave because of you, dummy ??” she might have been emotional and all, but she still managed to crack up at her own words — calling the other woman a ‘dummy’ ?? just like the old times ?? yeah. some things just never change. 

     “and... i mean... it’s good that you don’t hate me, ‘cause... like... i fucking hate myself, so...” a shrug. now, let’s not even bother opening that can of worms, because mira would have zero energy for it. “let’s... pretend i didn’t say that, alright ??” nice save, dumbass. she supposed that years upon years of constant monitoring and being judged for every step she took made her feel that way. but... wouldn’t anyone crumble under such amount of pressure to be perfect every single second of their life ?? exactly.

     mira shook her head ever so slowly — it was getting a little bit too much for her to handle. while hyeri was trying her best not to let all the emotions out, mirae just simply gave up. “shh... don’t—... don’t,” she didn’t even know what she wanted to say !! instead of finishing her thought, she just wrapped her arms around the other’s waist and as if on cue, started straight up sobbing. 

     no more words were spoken. she couldn’t say anything, even if she tried. 

     for a moment, everything was semi-perfect — mira was in the arms of a woman she adored, crying her eyes out like during some therapy session she desperately needed. perhaps it was the beginning of something new ?? something bigger and better for both of them ?? only time will tell...